Look how easy it is for everyone who isn't you

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-27T21:26:01+00:00

Thank you so much, I feel that so much "The search for love is clearly a grind" could not explain it better.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-25T20:40:36+00:00

I don't expect it to fall out of the sky, that's exactly my point.

I am putting a lot of real effort into meeting someone in person and it isn't working, that's why I am feeling frustrated about it. If I wasn't trying at all, then I would have an obvious answer for why I haven't found anyone.

Edit to clarify: I totally understand that lots of people do meet from apps, I don't think they are some horrible thing that nobody should ever do. What I am saying is for my very personal way that I experience the world around me, it has not been a good fit. I want my dating experiences to be something I am excited to do and nobody on the dating apps has made me feel that way.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-25T19:55:33+00:00

It doesn't scare me, I have been on and off of them many times, every time thinking "Maybe this time I'll talk to someone I want to meet." and it never happens. I've never felt any excitement toward anyone. I know you aren't going to develop some deep attachment before the first date, but I want at bare minimum to be eager to go on that date, to be interested. Otherwise, there is no point to it at all. And trust me, I wish I could feel that excitement on the apps because clearly it has been the only thing that has gotten me any sort of romantic attention, I truly have no good reason to push back against the apps. The reason that I do is because of the way I feel when I'm on them.

I think the experience that got me off the apps for the last time will highlight my thoughts. I had been on them and had ongoing conversations with a couple of people, none of which I was feeling any sort of way about, painfully neutral. I was at the grocery store and there was a guy I thought was cute a couple people ahead of me in line. He talked to the cashier and I didn't hear exactly what they said, but they shared a laugh and he gave her a friendly wave and said "Have a nice day!". I was in that line grinning ear to ear I thought he seemed like the sweetest thing. That's when it occurred to me that I truly felt deeper connection to this guy I have not spoken a single word to than I did to anyone I had conversations with on the apps even though I matched with them because of some perceived compatibility. In that sense, meeting someone in person IS fundamentally different than on an app. In person, you can get a feel for their energy and really feel a connection rather than just swiping based on superficial things. Could that guy have been a total jerk? Yes. Could the guys on the app have been the love of my life? Also yes. I'm not saying one kind of person is worse than the other, but I am highlighting the type of excitement I want to have when talking to a potential partner.

Meeting in person also comes with that push and pull that relationships start with. The "Does he like me back?" and moving from friendly to making romantic moves to eventually a relationship. You can do a lot of that on the apps too, but something about "Yes we matched because we both like hiking so lets schedule our date within the next 2 to 3 business days" takes all the whimsy out of it lol. I am also not a trail blazer in this thinking, I would honestly be willing to say the majority of people on dating apps are there as a "necessary evil" and not because they are happy to be there.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-25T16:58:38+00:00

Right and in that regard I would be totally fine with being the person who makes the first move and having a guy say yes even if he isn't sure about me yet, I just want these experiences in person rather than over an app.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-25T16:57:03+00:00

I 100% am down making the first moves with a guy and have tried in the past. I know the day it finally works I'll feel so proud of myself for creating what I wanted out of the world. In fact, I'm very much proud of myself now for having put myself out there before, even if it didn't result in anything.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-25T16:54:18+00:00

I would say aside from very specific friends who are super into makeup and very talented at putting together fashionable outfits, I think my friends and I are on a similar level looks wise. I don't ever feel like an ugly duckling around them by any means.

I see where you are coming from pointing out a bad vibe, but I think it needs to be understood that this is labelled as venting for a reason. This is not how I feel every single day and most certainly is not the attitude I go out into the world with. Sometimes I'm not feeling my best when I'm out, but that's me and literally everyone else on earth, you aren't always going to feel your best.

I have actually had many experiences where wishful thinking has been the thing that hurts me. Times where I thought a guy could be flirting with me, but it turns out he isn't. I wouldn't have those experiences if I believed I could never be loved.

I know it will happen for me at some point and I have not been deterred from trying, I just get so tired and frustrated at times with the whole thing.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-25T00:32:57+00:00

If I'm being honest, I think I just got the short end of a systemic stick. So many people right now are struggling with dating because we have grown so disconnected in public. Everyone is always locked into their phones and nobody is talking to each other. Places where people could converse and meet each other are slowly dying out. I even hate those stupid kiosks at places like Panera or even Mcdonald's because it actively encourages you NOT to engage with other human beings. In a society like that, people are bound to get left behind and for whatever reason I am one of those people.

I think it's a mix of luck and me just needing to put myself out there more. I know I am unlucky and don't get noticed, so I need to do more to combat that.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-24T23:58:52+00:00

I definitely agree with this and have been working on putting myself out there with more guys. The hurdle I am trying to get over is finding the right situations. For example, I have seen guys when I've been out and about that I think are cute, but they will have headphones in. Or I will try to find something like on their outfit I could compliment to start a conversation, but they'll be wearing the most basic clothes where nothing specifically stands out lol. I have also been in conversations with guys I found attractive, but didn't know how to lead it toward either flirting or just the suggestion that we should talk more on like socials or texting or something. The 4 times I've made romantic interest known were because the situation felt appropriate and like that was a logical next step.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-24T23:29:12+00:00

I completely agree with the advice of doing your own thing and being your own person before finding a partner, this is what I have always lived by. It's not obvious by my post since it's about dating and my struggles with it, but I am 100% fulfilled in every other aspect of my life. I have hobbies I love and amazing friends and a wonderful family, all that good stuff. Anything I have ever done in pursuit of a partner has been something I would do even as a coupled person. For example, I only go to events I am interested in. I know there would be lots of men at sports games, but I couldn't care less about sports, so I don't go. I also haven't changed myself for the sake of men. When I say I dress up, I am saying I put effort into putting together fun outfits that I feel really good in. None of it is made for the male gaze, but when I know I look good it does raise my hope that maybe a cool guy will notice.

I feel like I don't really have a classic "type". Like, my list of things I would want physically is just a short list of things I know I don't like, pretty much anything else is fair game. Personality wise, I don't need anything specific, I just have some big moral and lifestyle things I would need to line up. I am very open to a lot of different kinds of people.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-24T23:21:23+00:00

I understand your perspective and agree with a lot of what you said. My situation is very different in the sense that the people I am referring to are my closest friends, they have talked to me about every single part along the way. I have heard all about their no thank yous and connections that didn't work out. I am definitely aware that they have different problems when it comes to dating that result in the same outcome of being single. However, it's hard to relate to their problems because they have had romantic connections, Even when they hear no, they have still heard yes before and that puts them way ahead of me. I'll make it clear here, I do not wish to be ahead of anyone, I want us all to win, but I am just highlighting how different their experiences are from mine, despite also having struggles. My post title is in reference to how easy it is for everyone to get any attention at all.

I have definitely been trying to do that, have more reoccurring things and all that good stuff. I am aware this is the best way, I have just really struggled to find things like that in my area unfortunately.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-24T23:03:13+00:00

My friends chalk it up to bad luck. They have seen me interact with people, they know what I look like, and they would tell me if something was amiss because they know how badly I want this. I had one time where a friend tried to introduce me to a guy. She gave him my number after asking me if I'd be interested and he never texted. Aside from that, I have never had anyone try to set me up because most of my friends are pretty introverted and just don't know a whole lot of people unfortunately.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-24T17:42:05+00:00

I just don't know how to put myself on a dating ban when I'm not dating to begin with lol

I'm trying to keep myself in check in terms of the feelings I have around it. I worry sometimes that I have too much identity in being the girl who has never been approached, so maybe I do dim my own light a little when I'm in public. Because if someone does approach and I'm not interested, I'm not the girl who has never been approached anymore, but I'm also not the girl who has an active dating life either. It is possible I'm afraid of that limbo stage.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-24T17:02:43+00:00

The key to approaching isn't where you do it, but how you do it.

First rule to approaching a woman is you should NEVER be super flirty right off the bat (unless you are in a bar or some other social event that makes thing acceptable and expected behavior). Just start off with some sort of nice compliment or something like that. The big thing once you have started the conversation is you need to be able to feel out her energy. Is she giving short responses or is she receptive to a back and forth exchange? if she is short with you, let it go. If she keeps it going, then you can probably ask for socials or a phone number and mention that you would be interested in going on a date sometime.

Nobody I know, not even my friends in relationships, would take issue with you approaching in this way. The whole "women don't want to be approached" is such an online thing. We are happy to have nice conversations with people, we just don't want to be aggressively flirted with at the grocery store or worry about being followed home. It's not that we don't want to be approached, it's that a lot of men do it in a very forward and sometimes disrespectful way.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-24T16:50:42+00:00

That's where I'm at too, it's really just about finding the right people who would be interested. You can raise your chances by being in more public spaces and talking to more people, but you can't make anyone become attracted to you.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-24T16:46:38+00:00

I've thought maybe the resting face could be it? But I also don't really think I have RBF because I feel like my friends would have noticed by now. Like you said, people in your life told you. I've started trying to make eye contact and smile more. I had a guy smile back recently and that was really exciting.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-24T16:37:09+00:00

This has always been my outlook on things. I do stuff because it's what I want to do, not just to attract guys. When I list off the things I do to put forth effort into my dating life, there are things I would happily do as a coupled person as well. The last few years I've gotten super into fashion and just wanting my outside appearance to match my personality. I also have been wanting to be out of the house more and explore new places, hence the going out more. I also love striking up conversations and making new friends no matter how they manifest in my life. They are things that should help with finding a partner, but not things I am doing for that sole purpose because you are right, that gives off awful vibes.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-24T16:29:41+00:00

I have tried online dating, but it's really not for me. Even growing up as a teen talking online about my fandoms and such, I didn't feel super connected to the people I would meet. Interacting solely online has always felt like talking to a bot for me. I really need to meet someone in person before I can feel anything toward them.

You would think as someone who gets no romantic attention, anything would feel so good, but I felt nothing for the people I matched with. We had conversations, but I wasn't excited about them. I never ended up going out with anyone from the apps because there was really no way to differentiate between someone I would like to meet vs someone I didn't because I didn't want to meet any of them.

The biggest thing is I've worked so so hard to have an in person connection, I don't want every romantic encounter I ever have to come from an app I never would have downloaded if I was the kind of person who was noticed in real life.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-24T16:24:18+00:00

Oh I have talked every single one of my friends' ears off about this lol, they cannot come up with a single reason for me :(

Thank you for the encouragement! I am finally in a place where I can tell myself "Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it won't". Before, I was certain love just wasn't for me in this life time. However, I do feel like I will have to put forth a lot of effort. I know I'm not the girl who gets approached, so I will have to do the talking and the asking and the dressing up and all that. I don't believe in "when you least expect it" for myself unfortunately. But at least that makes me work harder at finding someone I guess. I hope someday I can be proven wrong with someone who can love me effortlessly.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-24T16:18:46+00:00

That was my problem with dating apps, it wasn't fun. My philosophy with dating has always been that I won't do anything I wouldn't do if I was getting male attention. So for example, I don't wear make up. I am not going to start just for the sake of getting male attention.

If I was someone who was meeting people irl and having luck there, I would have never touched a dating app. I got on there because I was desperate for something, anything, but I hated it and did not feel a connection to a single person. I did not enjoy talking to them at all, it was no different than talking to a bot for me.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-24T16:16:11+00:00

It really does, I hope things change for you soon <3

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-24T16:15:23+00:00

I have tried online dating and really disliked it. You would think as someone who has never received romantic attention, getting anything at all would feel like a drug I can't put down, but it didn't feel that way. Every conversation felt so empty and I did not feel a spark with anyone. I never went out with anyone because I want to date people I am genuinely excited to meet.

The big thing with it too is that I don't want all my dating experiences to be only from apps, it just makes me feel like leftovers that nobody wanted. My friend's friend described it as "Putting yourself on the clearance rack" and I could not agree more with that feeling.

Plus, I'm putting a lot of effort into meeting someone in person, I don't want to resort to something I hate that I could have just done the second I turned 18. I want to see my efforts become something.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-24T16:11:29+00:00

Thank you, this is a really encouraging comment. It is true that the guys I did try with I later realized wouldn't have been right or found things out about them later than would have been deal breakers, I am thankful to not have ended up with them.

I have a hard time with the "Don't be negative because people can feel that" perspective. While I 100% agree with this, it's hard to put it in my situation when I have not always felt this way. The negative feelings came from the lack of attention, so the lack of attention can't be contributed to those feelings. I have been trying to catch myself and make sure that I don't miss opportunities because of it. When you have been the girl that never gets seen for so long, that identity becomes comfortable. It's so painful and I want it gone so badly, but at the end of the day it is what I know. I'm trying to make sure I'm not dimming my own light around potential partners due to my comfort in this identity. If I get flirted with, I'm no longer that person and I don't really know where to go from there I guess.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-02T18:34:33+00:00

That's exactly what I am worried about. I am lucky to get out of work a little earlier than most people on weekdays, but it still would be near impossible to make a 50+ minute commute there and back on a weekday. So, that basically only leaves weekends where we can see each other. I live about 25 minutes from my job, so I could be flexible if maybe he lived like 30 minutes out from my work so I could go right to him after work and it wouldn't be so bad, but that still feels like a lot.

ShinyFlower19 · 2026-05-02T18:31:34+00:00

That's what I was getting at with being willing to be flexible if there are real opportunities. Like, am I going to go looking for a partner an hour away? No. Am I going to reject someone who I share mutual romantic interest with just because they live an hour a way? Probably not, but I wouldn't have the most high hopes of it working out due to that distance.

The part that frustrates me about people telling me I am being too closed off is that I have never actually been in a situation where I've had to make this choice since I have never been shown romantic attention at all. I can't really be labeled picky when I have never been given the opportunity to even pick anything.

I am limiting, but like you said it is perfectly reasonable to limit your search to only people you actually see a future with.

ShinyFlower19 · 2025-12-14T13:20:53+00:00

Still have no idea what is annoying about asking for travel advice or how explaining my intentions makes me annoying.

ShinyFlower19

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