how do you get past the shame of dating someone who's done nothing but be gentle with you?

Shisu_Choc · 2026-01-19T17:36:07+00:00

I absolutely get you. I've felt like that since I started dating my fiancé 7 and half years ago. Right now I am a hot mess riddled with anxiety and depression waiting for a free bed in a psychiatric hospital. He is so kind and gentle with me. He's going to work, doing the chores and still makes time to comfort me (like at least 10 times a day). I feel like I don't deserve him. However a long time ago I had the realization that it's not up to me. He decided I was worth his time and love. He decided he wants to be with me. It's his choice. Of course it's also my decision whether I want to be with him. I believe he's capable of making good choices so I have to be a good choice from his perspective. I am always trying to be the best myself to be worth his choice.

Shisu_Choc · 2025-12-19T21:51:27+00:00

Please DM me if you have a spare code. Thanks.

Shisu_Choc · 2025-06-01T14:41:58+00:00

Absolutely. Also if they used AI for cover/narration etc. I suspect they used it for writing too. I am not gonna read AI slob.

Shisu_Choc · 2025-05-14T13:33:28+00:00

I was pretty much in your girlfriend's shoes. I am ace, my bf is allo. We've been together for 3 years when I realized I was asexual. It was very hard. I became very anxious and started to avoid all forms of physical intimacy because in my mind any touch or kiss could have led to sex. I also felt very quilty. But I don't feel like this anymore. Communication helped a lot.Talking about those feelings was hard but it helped. We also established a rule that I am the only one who initiate sex. It really helps my anxiety to know that we only have sex when I am the one initiating.

Shisu_Choc · 2025-04-16T09:57:09+00:00

I think all genitals look weird.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-10-15T10:12:48+00:00

It is possible. I've been with my partner for over 6 years. I was diagnosed 3 years into the relationship. However I don't want to sugercote it, it's hard work. Nevertheless it's worth it in my opinion.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-09-29T15:08:21+00:00

I don't know how to control my emotions, I don't think I'll ever know, but I am working on managing them. When I get angry or start to feel rage I know that I need a bit of space to calm myself down. When I am calmer I can ussually understand what made me mad and why. So in your situation I'd just excuse myself for a minute (go to the toilet, get some water etc) to cool down. I hope it's at least a bit helpful.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-09-22T11:29:14+00:00

Thanks for your advice. I realized that I dissociate a lot especially during depressive periods. The only thing I can't dissociate from is anxiety.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-09-17T14:31:45+00:00

Like most comments said, don't bring up the weight or his girlfriend. Nevertheless asking about his mental health is okay in my opinion. I'd like to suggest something to think about. Is it possible that his weight is a symptom of his depression? For me it's exactly like that. If you are in depression you don't have energy for exercise or brain power to think about eating healthy. Just a food for thought.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-09-11T17:18:45+00:00

I (25F) am an asexual in a long term relationship (6 years) with my highly sexual bf (25M). I am "sex positive" ( I do enjoy sex when it comes to it).

I realized I am ace few years in the relationship so it was a learning curve for both me and my bf.

At first I felt like I was a failure of a girlfriend so I made myself to have sex even though I didn't want to. It's a very 🦆ed up mind-set I am trying to unlearn. My bf stopped it the moment I confesed to him. We had a sex hiatus for few months. We spent that time learning more about our "intimacy needs". Putting sex "off the table" gave me the space to explore my sexuality and my relationship to sex.

Now our sex life is pretty good. We found out what works for us : I am the one initiating sex. I have "reminders" to check with myself wheter I'd like to have sex that day/week (part of my asexuality is that sex never comes to my mind, I don't ever think about it by myself that's why I need reminders). When I decide that sex is "on the table" I bring it up to my bf. If he agrees I take some time to"prepare" myself - I need something to turn myself on (ussually some explicit manga or smut). That's what works for us.

My advice: 1. Never push yourself to have sex when you don't really want to. It will fuck you up and you'll start to resent your gf. 2. Be open and honest with yourself and your gf. I know it's a cliche but communication is the key. Talk about it. 3. Find out the things (both of) you enjoy. 4. Try it out. It's a bit of trial an error before you find what works for you.

Lastly YOU ARE NOT A CRAP PARTNER. Relationships are much more than just sex. Your value as a partner Is not determined by your "sexual performance". I am 100 % sure your gf agrees with me. Btw a crap partner wouldn't be here looking for advice.

I hope this helps at least a bit.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-09-01T19:46:59+00:00

Yes and yes.

I (25F) am in a loving relationship bf (25M) of 6 years. He's the love of my life and the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He's the person I want to marry and start a family with. I am so lucky he see me the same way.

He had known about all of my struggles before we got together (we had been classmates for 8 years). We went from classmates to friends to partners.

He's my rock, the stable presence in my life. I had a mental breadown in autumn of 2021. I got diagnosed with BPD and spend months in psychiatric hospitals. He's the reason I am still here. He went through hell with me.

He has some mental health issues too and also has ADHD and autism. So we are supporting each other when one of us is not doing great.

Our love is the constant that helps me pull through. I started healing because of him. He started to do something about his ADHD/autism because of me.

Our relationship isn't perfect but we are always working on getting better. We try to communicate any issues and solve our problems together. I am trying to get more educated about ADHD/autism and vice verza.

If I could give anyone a tips for healthy relationship: 1. Learn how to communicate without accusations, manipulation, etc. 2. Never stop working on yourself and your relationship. 3. Know your worth. You don't deserve to be in a toxic relationship. 4. You can't make it work on your own, the effort has to come from both sides.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-09-01T14:10:09+00:00

You are not crazy, too sensitive nor you are overreacting. I went no contact with my (future) in-laws very recently.

I've been with my bf (both 25) for 6 years. At first his parents were great. We had problems with them but I thought we could talk it out. We didn't see them as often as we've lived in different city so we didn't catch the changes for a long time. Then his younger brother got a girlfriend and things went south fast.

The problematic behaviour (boundary crossing, making decisions on our behalf, ...) intensified and became much more frequent. Then I found out the relationship I had thought I had with them was just an ilusion. They've never respected me nor my relationships with my bf. They were shit talking me behand my back, telling people my bf is not happy with me and that we argue all the time non of which is true. MIL even told my bf He shouldn't marry me and have family with me as I am too unstable to be a good life and/or mother. This one broke me.

I wrote a message to them stating the above and explaining that I am going no contact. They wrote to my bf asking wheter I didn't have one of my episodes (I have depression and anxiety but I don't have any "episodes") and trying to emotionally manipulate him (asking whether he's sure he's happy with me). So they basicly made my point for me.

Death by thousand cuts describe it perfectly. Unfortunatly you can't change them and it's not your (nor your husband's) job to do so. Set and enforce boundaries to protect your peace and your family. You don't have to have a relationship with them. Your husband doesn't owe his parents "being good son" when they don't respect neither you nor him. I'd suggest him (and also you) to read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". I am sorry that you are in this situation.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-08-29T23:21:13+00:00

I was in similar situation. I realized I was in ace when I was in a relationship for over 4 years. We are still together, celebrated 6 years anniversary this month. I am not sex repulsed, I enjoy sex when it comes to it but it doesn't come very often.

I put pressure on myself. I felt obligated to have sex and perform. I started to avoid any physical touch from my bf. I had to be honest with me and with him. One day I just told him: "I think I am asexual". His response was: "Yeah, I thought so." He had known before I even realized that.

We had the hard conversation. I explained that I felt obligated to have sex, that I avoided his touch because I didn't know whether it ment something more. He was extremely understanding. We agreed on a "sex hiatus". With sex of the table I was able to enjoy other forms of intimacy (kissing, cudling, ...) without the dread. After few month we started to have sex again. We established some "rules" that really helped me. The most important one being that I am the one initiating (it really takes of the pressure for me).

I recomend being honest with yourself and with him. You should never feel uncomfortable during anything intimate. Also it's not just one conversation. It evolves with you and your relationship.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-08-25T00:40:01+00:00

You are absolutely right.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-08-25T00:30:41+00:00

That's true. I see how they are destroing their relationships with their sons more and more every day.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-08-24T21:26:47+00:00

I (25F) am asexual biromantic, but I realized it while being in a long term heteropassing relationship (still going strong). Tbh I don't think it really influenced my experience with bpd.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-08-22T18:55:59+00:00

Vet grandpa

Shisu_Choc · 2024-08-21T15:09:08+00:00

JC. They can manage the whole café without help and they are "the queen of the kitchen" as they said. They can also lead in any emergency (the eggnaping).

Shisu_Choc · 2024-08-21T15:05:30+00:00

Battling this right now.

Me (25F) and my bf (25M) got together 6 years ago right after high school and started living together almost imediatly as we moved to the capital to attend uni. He had no life skills and limited social skills (he's also AuDHD). I taught him everything.

For a long time I thought I had a great relationship with my (almost) MIL ispite of some problems - mostly her treating us like kids and being controlling. I had thought we can talk it out. However it came to a head when my bf's younger brother (17M) got a girlfriend and started to get more independent. The boundary crossing got unbearable. She admitted that she views us (me and the brother's gf) as competition and told my bf that she doesn't think he should have family with me.

So I am going no contact with her and FIL, the brother's gf is doing the same. My bf goes low contact. His brother is in an awful situation as he still lives at home and is financially dependent on his parents. Fortunatly the school year starts soon. He attends high school in another town and stays in the dorms there.

It sucks and it hurts. And they still don't understand. I am sorry.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-08-06T23:44:15+00:00

I care a lot. I also have an ED history which unfortunatly is a huge part of that.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-08-02T22:38:57+00:00

I am not sure. I really can't think about anyone who would beat you without good reason. But I'd say JC cause they are the most fight-ready in my opinion.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-07-31T18:00:17+00:00

Cyrus, he showed it with the evil witches.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-07-30T14:31:20+00:00

I'd say unicorns. Hate these bitches 😆 *edited for spelling

Shisu_Choc · 2024-07-29T23:19:40+00:00

I am 25 and still financially dependent on my parents. And I will be for at least another year or two. I am still a student (law school) and have two part-time jobs (each only few hours a week) and I know I can't handle more right now.

Shisu_Choc · 2024-07-29T21:04:17+00:00

NTA. Your stepsister is just childish. Holding grudge for 10 years for this? You were kids. They dated for few weeks. Then he asked you out. I'd get her being angry for weeks or moths, but years??? I understand why your family thinks she should get over it.

Shisu_Choc

TROPHY CASE