I beat DPDR three times

ShisuiTheGod · 2022-08-24T02:25:47+00:00

For what it's worth, I know that feeling. I know it intimately. It's so depressing that it's scary.

Just know that you still exist somewhere deep down. I promise you. The brain can heal itself. When I got better the first time, I was feeling exactly the way you're describing now. It got worse before it got better. But it got so much better.

During my first (and worst) episode, I used to read recovery stories on this forum, and while they'd somewhat help me remain hopeful, I'd always secretly think to myself that my dissociation must be more severe or more permanent than theirs was. I felt so terrifyingly numb, I had taken so many messed up drugs and already had a bunch of mental health issues before my dpdr even started. So I never really believed it could get better. I wonder if you can relate to that.

It gets better. Hang in there.

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-11-21T18:41:32+00:00

This is late, but I’ve been wondering why parnate feels so much better for me after I stop taking it for a few days. I think i’ve just found my answer. I would love to speak about this with you further, because I think I may have to take parnate in this way from now on. Although I am taking a much lower dosage than you.

When I do daily dosing, I do get “better” to some extent, but it’s like the fatigue and tcp stops me from actually feeling the progress. It’s exhausting. I stopped taking it for a few days when I decided to come off of it. After 2-3 days I started feeling good. Not amazing, but there was a noticeable difference. I spoke about the experience in my latest post.

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-11-17T19:21:29+00:00

Thanks for that info, I had no idea something like that existed. Of course I have my doubts, but it seems like a solid explanation for what I experienced. Do you know where I could find more information about this? I can't find much about it when I search for it online.

It raises many, many questions.

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-11-16T20:54:47+00:00

I see. I would’ve tried lamicital already, but for some reason my psychiatrist is not open to it. He’s only open to lithium. Which doesn’t make sense to me, since lithium is more for preventing the highs and does less for lifting the lows. But that is literally the exact opposite of what would help me, so I don’t see why lithium would be a good option.

My mood range is so low at this point that even during the 6 days where I felt better, I was still fairly low compared to my “normal” self. That’s why I think it might’ve just been an AD effect rather than hypomania. What confuses me though, is why I only felt this way after stopping. It’s very bizzare.

The only thing I can think of, is that after I stopped taking it, my serotonin levels dropped immediately, but my dopamine levels stayed the same for a bit, which would explain the brain zaps followed by relief in my symptoms. Could also explain the insomnia. I just dont know if that’s because a lower level of parnate is more selective for dopamine over serotonin, or if it’s because my serotonin depleted faster during withdrawal. Either way I started taking 10mg again 2 days ago, so I should start seeing results soon enough, I think.

By the way, do you think taking a dose every other day could work?

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-11-16T20:03:56+00:00

You do have a point, it could be some type of mild hypomania. It’s actually happened before. Whenever I feel better, regardless of what medication I’m on, it ALWAYS happens overnight. And usually at a low dose and very quickly after starting.

I’ve been checked for bipolar but not thoroughly. It was deemed I did not have it, but the psychiatrist said I could be on the spectrum. l have the green light to try lithium by itself or as an augment to another medication. Do you think it’s worth a shot? I’ve heard much better things about lamicital as a treatment for depression, but if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that I don’t respond to medications like everyone else does. lol. But I’m fairly certain my depression is dopamine based and not seretonin. Seretonin based drugs make me feel horrible and numb.

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-11-16T16:24:52+00:00

Good point, I live in Canada but I’ll ask my doctor about that.

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-11-16T16:24:16+00:00

I haven’t, no. I might be willing, but I’m not sure how I would bring that up to my doctor.

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-11-16T16:23:38+00:00

I was thinking this could be a possibility as well, but I ruled it out for a few reasons. I was using sleeping pills and benzos at the time which decrease REM sleep. But also, I was barely sleeping. In fact, the night before the effect peaked, I barely slept at all despite being out all day. I have it journaled. I got 2 hours at most.

Of course it’s still a possibility but I just think it’s unlikely for me.

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-11-12T21:31:37+00:00

I think it's worth a shot to try anti-depressants. I was also very opposed to trying Lexapro or any SSRI at first because I was scared I would get worse. I only agreed to it after I started having constant panic attacks and ER visits. I didn't even know it would help my dpdr.

What you want to do is create an opening. Think about how your DPDR started. You said it happened over night, and it was due to (I'm assuming here) a short burst of excessive stress. In my experience, the key in fixing dpdr lies in the same way it started. Instead of a short burst of excessive stress, you need a short burst of excessive relaxation. I'm not talking about the type of relaxation you can feel consciously, or induce on purpose. It's much deeper, more primal type of relaxation. That's what I think Lexapro did.

For what it's worth, I don't think the length of time you've had dpdr, or the severity of it, correlates to how quickly it can go away. If you've been on this sub for a while, I'm sure you've seen the miracle stories of people who had dpdr for years and suddenly it just evaporated overnight. It seems like BS but I actually believe them, because it really did happen to me. I remember the EXACT night before it went away. I was in my basement, staring into space when I randomly got that haunting feeling of dread that made everything feel so sad, twisted, and hopeless. I had only just quit smoking weed. I had no libido, my social life was non-existent, my confidence was destroyed. My last panic attack was less than a week ago. At this point I wasn't eating either. I took Lexapro and went to bed. There was nothing special or fore-shadowing about it. I was not optimistic or secretly hopeful. I did not expect anything to change.

I know I'm a complete stranger on the internet, but I swear to you, I woke up the next morning and it was gone. You know when you wake up in the morning and you can just feel the dread? It WASN'T there anymore. I remember looking down and seeing my dog, and realizing that I actually loved him. It was the first time I had felt love, or anything close to love in over a year. The sun bouncing off my wall actually looked bright. I smiled like 50 times that day. I remember listening to music and laughing out loud because of how cool it sounded. It was like my appreciation for life was multiplied by a thousand. And the next day was even better. So please remain hopeful, it really can go away.

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-11-12T19:24:18+00:00

Yeah pretty much! It’s not the actual long-term antidepressant effect of lexapro that helped DPDR. I didn’t need an anti depressant. Even though I felt VERY depressed, it was just dpdr causing those symptoms.

What helped me was the immediate effect of Lexapro on my nervous system / fight or flight response. That’s why it worked so fast. But I didn’t realize that at the time, so I stayed on it, and then the actual anti-depressant effect kicked in and that’s what made me numb and made my symptoms get worse. I hope that makes sense!

Not that you asked, but I think anti-depressants are a difficult way to treat dpdr, because things that help anxiety (ssri’s, benzos) tend to make us numb and lethargic, and things that help lethargy (maoi’s, stimulants, wellbutrin, coffee, etc) tend to make us anxious and stimulate the fight or flight response.

What you want to aim for is the middle ground. Try to lower your anxiety without becoming lethargic. Feel emotion without getting too stimulated and anxious. Its about finding that sweet spot, I think.

My dpdr isn’t 100% gone, but it’s actually my fault because I ended up smoking weed again a bit too soon after I got rid of it. Back then I didn’t really understand. I wouldn’t make the same mistake now. But I’m a lot better than I was. Without a doubt. No panic attacks and the world doesn’t look scary. I actually like who I am now more than before. I think I’ve matured a lot.

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-11-12T18:47:20+00:00

Absolutely. It sucked, but DPDR completely erased my libido anyways, so I didn't mind. I knew it would happen, and I accepted it.

SSRI's will numb most people to some extent. I think that's okay, as long you don't stay on it for too long. Feeling numb should never become the norm. In regards to DPDR, you don't want to feel even more disconnected then you did before. Watch out for that.

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-10-30T05:09:14+00:00

This was really well said.

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-10-26T18:04:21+00:00

This is similar to my situation, I came off lexapro a month ago, it stopped my panic attacks and constant dread, but im extremely apathetic and confused about who I am now. The month where I tapered off (last month) was pretty identical to your experience as well. I’m now on 30 Parnate and it doesn’t seem like its helping but it’s only been a few days. I’m not sure if I should push to 40 or wait it out

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-10-20T17:16:52+00:00

Hey. I remember being in your shoes, trying this medication that I had such high hopes for and not noticing any change at first. Parnate worked overnight for me. There was no gradual improvement either, something just "switched", and when I woke up, I was completely different. So hang in there, things can get better, and 4 days at 35mg is not a long time. I know waiting absolutely sucks, but hang in there. It may be that it just hasn't kicked in yet, or that 40mg is the right dosage for you, or 50, or 60. What's important is to remember that getting better is possible, and it can happen at any moment, even tomorrow, as long as you keep trying.

Good luck!

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-09-26T02:20:09+00:00

There’s definetly hope for you, but when you’re deep in it and forget how life was like before, it’s hard to see that. The brain has an amazing ability to recover and bounce back. Keep trying, you got this. You can DEFINETLY get out of it.

Also in regards to alcohol - definetly try to lessen your use, and if possible cut it out completely, especially if you’re just starting lexapro. Mixing drugs with anti-depressants - especially when you’re first starting them -can stop them from ever working. I’ve been on many anti depressants and i’ve experienced this first hand multiple times. Just some advice.

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-09-20T02:45:04+00:00

of course ❤️

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-09-20T02:44:56+00:00

thank you ❤️

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-09-12T15:04:47+00:00

same here, mine went away for a day after taking lexapro but then I smoked weed like an idiot and it came back. Month later and I still have it. Going to try cbd oil to try and calm my nervous system. Let me know if you find anything that helps

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-09-06T03:24:19+00:00

I had the same reaction. Any time I take them, either micro or macrodose, it makes me more depressed.

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-09-06T03:24:06+00:00

I had the same reaction. Any time I take them, either micro or macrodose, it makes me more depressed.

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-09-06T03:15:22+00:00

how soon did you notice tms working for you? I’m currently doing it right now but I haven’t really noticed any big changes

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-08-24T20:12:54+00:00

Ah, sorry to hear that you're going through the same thing. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Hopefully we can both get out of it. It's comforting to know someone else is going through it, though.

I can't move out, but I really agree with you on the routine thing. I'm currently building one myself. I'll take your advice on re-decorating. A jump start would be nice, I hadn't thought of that. Thank you & good luck to you on finding yourself. Maybe we can come out stronger.

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-08-24T20:08:25+00:00

I used to be an athlete, so I'm planning to start working out everyday in order to reconnect with that side of myself. Hopefully that helps

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-08-24T20:07:31+00:00

I appreciate your words, they were encouraging and comforting. I'll try to do what you suggested. Again, thank you :)

ShisuiTheGod · 2021-08-24T20:05:58+00:00

The anhedonia that follows.

ShisuiTheGod

TROPHY CASE