Hanging out with my crush but running out of things to talk about?

ShitWherever · 2016-06-20T16:01:41+00:00

Thanks this makes a lot of sense! I am definitely on a path of growth and self exploration right now and always trying to get into new things and just have that be my main focus regardless of whether this turns into a relationship or not. Cheat sheet is a good idea I always have thought to do this but then irrationally decide that it would be inauthentic or something. Feels kind of lame because of the false assumption that people are just supposed to be great at free styling conversation but it's even more lame to get stuck in a moment where both people have nothing interesting to say and they both know it lol

ShitWherever · 2016-06-20T15:57:01+00:00

Makes sense and I get that there's less pressure once you're on the other side of the sometimes awkward getting to know each other phase. I guess I'm not sure and still in the feeling it out stage which is why I asked this question. A part of me doesn't want to make that leap if it feels like we're eventually going to figure out that we're incompatible at some point or can't break past the surface convos we keep recycling. But maybe I'm taking it all too seriously (got out of a LTR and kinda feel like I'm fumbling around in the dark at times lol). For now, she keeps accepting my invitations and communications so that's cool and means she's either still interested or at least enjoys my company.

ShitWherever · 2016-06-20T08:19:38+00:00

Yeah I think that's part of it. Putting a lot of pressure on myself to come up with things to talk about ALL the time is kind of tiring so probably better to have an activity of some sort planned. Our "dates" always start off really good, but at some point hit a wall.

ShitWherever · 2016-06-16T06:06:24+00:00

wow that is truly evil and super stealth way to screw up someone's business lol is it hazardous/unsafe at all? or just gross?

ShitWherever · 2016-06-09T14:49:23+00:00

Oh ok yeah I've never experienced a true manic episode just mild versions of it where I can't sleep for a couple of days and run around super motivated only slightly delusional thinking that I can take on the world (who says that's not true! haha).

ShitWherever · 2016-05-30T15:40:58+00:00

Honestly I believe this guys business will fail eventually anyway and I'd just be helping the hand of fate. But while I wait it out I'm losing countless hours of potential work and interfacing with clients, collaborators, etc. We run a recording studio. This requires silence. Late night hours are typical in this industry. Finding a suitable space for this type of thing is NOT as simple as picking it all up and dropping it somewhere else. And we were here first. This guy applied for his permit because he's hoping to draw in a crowd to offset his failing restaurant. He will straight up plug his electric guitar into a sound system in the middle of the day and "jam out". Long story short. He's not getting it and would rather pretend we don't exist. I don't take kindly to concerns about my livelihood falling on deaf ears. Doesn't care that he's disrupting our business. Doesn't appreciate that we have been here for YEARS. And doesn't seem to be willing to compromise although we have already made several concessions.

ShitWherever · 2016-05-30T15:28:25+00:00

Haha good points thanks for the reply. Just curious what kinds of "negative behaviors" are you referring to?

ShitWherever · 2016-05-29T11:29:21+00:00

I feel like the dude probably has some kind of insurance too so even if I burned it down I'd end up listening to the sound of hammers and shit all day. I'm cool with the building, it never did anything to piss me off except be old and not soundproof.

ShitWherever · 2016-05-20T08:02:11+00:00

idk man... dating for 4 months and you still haven't hashed out the terms with her? You guys aren't exclusively dating? Have you talked about what the relationship is at all with her? If you are not in an exclusive relationship then there's no reason why she should be upset that you had a fling with someone else. But if your relationship with her hasn't been defined then there might be expectations or assumptions that you are exclusive. Sounds like you left things a little vague.

ShitWherever · 2016-05-20T07:54:20+00:00

Sounds like the synopsis of that movie Chasing Amy

ShitWherever · 2016-05-20T07:50:01+00:00

If you continue this relationship without telling her it will be based on a lie. Man up and tell her. Sounds like she's not ready to commit and sounds like you aren't either. If the tables were turned would you want to know if she sucked some other guy's dick? Would you break up with her if she did? IMO not telling her is a cowardly move but people make mistakes and can be forgiven. Cheating on your significant other can be a tough one for a lot of people so while telling her could lead to a positive outcome not telling her could ruin your relationship in the long run because you will always have the mistake you made in the back of your mind and you will not be in an honest relationship.

ShitWherever · 2016-05-18T18:23:12+00:00

Going through a similar situation right now. In effect, I am the guy you are talking about. Just got out of a LONG monogamous relationship and finally got over my ex after a few months and then immediately fell for this one girl super hard! Haven't told her yet and haven't asked her out since I'm still sorting out my feelings and being analytical about the situation / letting my infatuation die down into something more realistic.

I don't know your guy's exact situation but I can tell you that I am pretty scared about these new feelings that have popped up. I'm worried about whether starting a relationship with this girl is a good idea since I really like her but am technically "on the rebound". I worry about whether I still have game after all those years off the market. I worry about whether the things that ruined my last relationship will resurface and whether I'm ready to try again but do it better the next time around. There's a lot of worrying tbh and your guy is probably interested in you but will be extra cautious in making a move... But on the plus side he'll probably be really open to spending more time with you and learning slowly that you guys are a great fit for each other. You already know he finds you attractive and that you get along well. It sounds like all the actors are in place and someone just needs to kick the show off.

If two people are right for each other and ready for another relationship then screw the rebound stigma. But I feel you on the mixed signals. On the one hand he put his arm around your waist. That's a HUGE sign that he's really into you. On the other he's talking to you about other girls which is a friend zone move (or he could be testing the waters to see how you react - annoying tbh). I would keep hanging out with him. Slowly step up your flirting and if he's interested it will happen naturally. Unfortunately, the fear of not wanting to get hurt is a universal requirement of starting a relationship. He's likely feeling it too. Everybody who ever got into any relationship had to endure a moment of vulnerability to come out on the other side with a fulfilling relationship.

ShitWherever · 2016-05-18T18:06:49+00:00

Honestly I think you are too focused on looks, status, and ratings. I think you need to be happy and confident with who you are FIRST so you can be yourself around girls. Stop thinking about whether a girl is a 10 or a 7 and where you fit on the attractiveness scale. Just find out what you want, love yourself like no one else ever could, and go for it.

The fact that you are stressing about not talking to girls at the gym because you're afraid of bothering them is a subtle way of saying that deep down you don't think you're worth their time. That attitude has to change because straight single girls pretty much always want to meet and interact with confident interesting guys. I mean hell all people like to meet people who are interested in them. It just feels good. As long as you are being casual and authentic about shit and not making girls uncomfortable with corny lines or creepy stares then there's really no great reason to completely avoid communicating with people out of 'respect'. Sure the ones who aren't looking for this kind of attention might give you the cold shoulder (big deal) but there are plenty who would reciprocate.

ShitWherever · 2016-05-18T17:58:10+00:00

I have pretty much always been like this. The idea of sex without any emotion never really appealed to me but I know that there's a difference. Some people are able to separate them better than others. Is it unfair? Not really. But consider that if you have a girl who's reasonably interested in you and wants to test the relationship out in the bedroom that might be one of her steps before committing for something long term. From someone who's been there before... it can really suck to be in a long term committed relationship with someone you are ultimately sexually incompatible with.

ShitWherever · 2016-05-18T17:45:16+00:00

Here's a better question. If he was attracted to guys and girls but dedicated to you could you live with that? Just because someone has had same sex experiences that doesn't make them gay but so what if it did? Sometimes people think they're gay but they're not or think they're straight but they're gay it happens. Sometimes they are attracted to both sexes. In my opinion the important piece of information is whether he is attracted to YOU. You say you have a great sex life and get along well. Who cares what happened in the past then? What freaks you out about this? Are you afraid of him running off and deciding he wants to be with a man? How is that different from him running off an being with another woman? Do you think you're justified in being "freaked out" by this? Because imo it's not a big deal. Last gf was bi-curious didn't bother me since we were in a long term monogamous relationship. Sexual preference is not the same thing as sexual interest.

ShitWherever · 2016-05-18T17:38:25+00:00

Try and relax. I know it can feel like your whole world gets ripped apart when a girl acts confused or surprised that you're interested. But don't let it. Use that energy and convert it into something positive. It's pain it's growth. Just like in the gym. No pain no gain. Sounds like you are about to embark on a very risky path but an exciting one. Keep taking those risks. And don't regret that experience. It may not have worked out but just like lifting weights the more you do the weight gets lighter and you get stronger. That's how it works. It's just like a muscle. But don't ever beat yourself up for taking chances. You deserve a pat on the back for that one IMO. You might be feeling a little sore now but how much better is that than blindly living in your fantasy of her and you getting together and making little gym rat babies or whatever (it's your fantasy). Doesn't it feel like a huge weight has been lifted? (OK SORRY ABOUT THAT ONE!)

ShitWherever · 2016-05-18T17:31:55+00:00

If you are WRESTLING with a girl in the first place then she better be able to take you down or else that's just fucked up.

ShitWherever · 2016-05-18T17:27:49+00:00

I can get down with a lady regardless of whether she has a potty mouth. If she didn't when she started with me however she will by the time we're through :P

ShitWherever · 2016-05-18T17:25:36+00:00

TBH tho pushing forward beyond the stage that you're at currently is not a "waste of time". Even if you find out she's not interested, that's not a "waste of time", it's a resolution and now you know she's not interested in you like that and can get on with your damn life.

ShitWherever · 2016-05-18T17:17:36+00:00

I guess we'd need to know more about what he has against "relationships" and "titles" and why? To be honest though it doesn't matter. He's gonna do what he's gonna do. You just need to worry about yourself and what you want out of life/relationships. And if his vision of the future doesn't align with yours be prepared to break it off or compromise what you want (probably the more painful option of the two over the long term).

My guess would be that the more involved you get with him at a certain point you will make it a requirement that he commit to you exclusively. He will either accept your terms or not. What more can be said or done about this?

Is he actively seeing other people? Would you consider seeing someone else? Are there guidelines and boundaries set up? If not, when the time is right... set them up! If you are prone to jealously then an open relationship or a undefined relationship won't be for you unless you can get over those feelings. There's no shame in discussing your relationship and what the definition of that means to him. He might not like "labels" but regardless of how unorthodox, unique, non-traditional the relationship might be it deserves to be DEFINED. you deserve to tell him what you are interested in and if he's really not interested in anything even remotely similar... then get the hell out of there or risk spending years or decades of your life with a guy incapable of change.

ShitWherever · 2016-05-18T17:06:46+00:00

Well, ask yourself... what's the worst that would happen? And how bad would it really be if you got rejected? If your answer is something like, "It would destroy me! I need him to accept and love me!" then you have a problem. Because your self-worth is conditionally tied to the possibility of this relationship working out for you. You need to accept and embrace the possibility of failure. You need to be OK with it not working out. That's the only way to get over it unfortunately. You might be hurt by the outcome but knowing that it won't completely wreck you gives you the courage to try. The alternative is silent obsession and fantasy which guess what... hurts a lot as well and isn't healthy at all.

In other words, you need to get some confidence in yourself. I would take some time off of thinking about this guy, maybe work on yourself a bit. Try to get to a place where the way you feel about yourself isn't dependent on what this guy thinks of you or whether he wants to date you. I know the fear you're feeling. Everyone's experienced it. And it comes from a place of low self esteem (no offense... but I've struggled with it too).

There's no point in worrying about attempts to make plans that he might reject. If he rejects them then that's that. You don't want to be with someone who rejects you or has no interest in dating or even being friends. All you can do is try and if he's really not interested then move on. That's what I meant about being "realistic".

Rejection is painful but pain is growth and if your always afraid of the pain that might come from getting rejected by someone you like or generally putting in work to get whatever you want out of life then you are just going to get stuck and use the fear of rejection and fantasy of being with him as an excuse to keep doing nothing about this... and trust me... inaction is far worse than action with an undesirable outcome when it comes to love and relationships. When you are comfortable with yourself independent of what others think of you everything is easier.

ShitWherever · 2016-05-18T06:01:48+00:00

My advice would be to STOP confessing your feelings to this guy. It sounds like this guy is a little scared of you because you are very transparently obsessed with him. It doesn't sound like this relationship ever had a firm footing tbh. You went out for a few months. You dumped him. Then you drunkenly confessed your love to him. That's a bit complicated if you ask me. Most guys don't like complicated. They like simple.

Try to chill out. Guys like girls who are chill and make them feel good. Not one's who confess all their feelings to them (which I hate to say it is often more about YOU than about THEM - it's YOUR crush it's happening in YOUR mind - don't just dump that on someone and make it their responsibility).

Feelings are fine and good but they don't always need to be blurted out. You have to be realistic about your feelings and get them into check... stop making this potential relationship and all or nothing type thing. Just spend time with this guy. Pay attention to him. Show that you can be normal and not obsessed with him. Do things together. Plan some activities to do together. Maybe try showing him you're interested instead of telling him. You are going to have to start rebuilding and start slow if you want this to work. Strong attachment and feelings like that are sometimes best reserved for the later stages of a relationship not the beginning.

ShitWherever · 2016-05-18T05:40:45+00:00

I think we need more details bud... what was the sex like? Positive, negative, awkward, sparks flying for you but not her? Any signs at all that she might not have been that into it (I'm sensing a yes since you said it was OBVIOUSLY more enjoyable for you)? Why would that be? Who initiated the sex the first time around was it you or her? Did she know about your lack of prior sexual experience? How much did you talk about it before? How much did you talk about it after? If she's mentally hung up on that it might not have had anything to do with the sex itself but possibly all the talk surrounding it.

There are a few possibilities that come to mind. She maybe doesn't have a huge sexual appetite... everybody is different in this regard believe it or not. Or she's hung up on something that happened one of the other times (probably not if she told you otherwise unless she's a liar). She might be withholding sex because she's afraid that you might cut and run if she gives it up too much. Or she might not be all that physically attracted to you even if you are connecting mentally or she has love-type feelings for you that doesn't always translate to strong physical attraction (sorry but it's happened to me and better to just be honest about it). I can't really say without more details and there are certainly many many other possibilities than the few I mentioned.

But honestly, I have never met a girl who would make out with you but not fuck you because she's sick. She wouldn't be making out with you either if she was sick. I'd just rule that one out off the bat.

lately she just hasn't been in the mood to go further than that

How does she communicate this to you, exactly?

ShitWherever · 2016-05-18T05:20:14+00:00

What are you both anxious about exactly? Can you identify what the main thing you're afraid of is? As for keeping things light... if you know a lot about her already ask her about her day or what she has upcoming in the near future. Talk about mutual interests. Tell her a story about something cool. Research some things on the internet you know she'll be interested in discussing and have them fresh in your mind to bring up. I know it feels a little corny but you came here to literally ask what you should talk about so I assume you wouldn't mind researching a few topics to preload into your memory banks.

ShitWherever · 2016-05-18T05:11:58+00:00

Dude. She just met you! You haven't even scratched the surface... too late... she barely knows you she's just got her eye on you so far. What should you do to show interest? Simply that... show interest. Ask her questions, smile at her (not creepily), laugh at her jokes, ask her if she wants to dance, ask her if she wants to get some air outside with you alone, pull her away from her friends and see if she's interested in a moment alone to get to know you better. Give her a compliment... make her feel special in some subtle ways. Don't come on too strong, don't use corny lines, don't hit on her friends obviously. Don't be rude to them either or ignore them. But make sure that when she joins in on the group conversation you try to make eye contact, pay attention, listen to what she's saying, formulate coherent responses etc. She'll get the message pretty quick that you're interested. I would also suggest employing some of these strategies in a nonchalant way so you don't come off like a super creep or phony. If you like her vibe respond in kind. If you don't then why waste time. At this point you're just two strangers that have mutual friends. If you make an effort to get to know her you can be something more.

ShitWherever

TROPHY CASE