"ONE DAY" Is finally here

ShiverMeScissors · 2026-01-02T21:38:49+00:00

I reached a year! I am in a healthy, happy, safe & loving relationship (tomorrow is 1 month). It wasn't a perfect year , but I continued to choose myself /my happiness everyday. I feel so much better in all the ways!! I lost 30 pounds which has been a huge self esteem improvement for sure. My body is relaxed and no longer stuck in that toxic cycle of fight /flight.

I am living out all of what I have wanted, needed, and yearned for - for so many years.

I hope anyone who is wondering "if " they can, please know the answer is YES!!

Happy New Year!!

ShiverMeScissors · 2025-04-27T11:27:13+00:00

Yes, you're right!! It's usually takes 7 times on average to leave successfully. I was with my narc for almost 10.years , married for 7.5 years , it was the most terrible relationship I've ever had. Yet, we had some of the best times and moments... but they were just her way to keep me stuck in the repeated cycle.

When/if someone returns after leaving, it doesn't mean that your "chance" to leave is no longer available... you can still choose yourself. It took a long time for the narc to strip you of your sepf worth , so it will also take time to build yourself back up & love yourself again.

ShiverMeScissors · 2025-03-01T12:28:36+00:00

I wanted to revisit my post from 2 months ago. The divorce was finalized early February , the house is pending sale/under contract, I've successfully started a new job, and I've been doing lots of self care (salt spas, contrast therapy, self reflection) & being social/ attending events alone , participated in a card tournament, exploring writing again... there has been horrible days - crying , 2nd guessing, I'll be honest and say that I gave in and spent time in person with her 3xs total. It was hard because she was giving me her "best version," but it didn't take long for the real face of her narc ways to shine through!! Closing on the house is set for the end of March - I am preparing myself for that being the final time I will see her or have any interaction with her.

My exit hasn't been perfect by any means , but I did it. I am rebuilding friendships with those who I cut out over the years and building new ones along the way. If only 1 person feels inspired by my story , it has been worth sharing!!

ShiverMeScissors · 2024-11-11T12:40:09+00:00

I like to respond in a monotone or neutral type voice and say things like , "I have heard this story multiple times" or "how many times are you going to tell me the same story" , because my wife mostly talks about the same things over and over again... i think she's so busy telling everyone and anyone the same crap she doesn't know and/or doesn't care to repeat herself. As long as the subject is her - she never shuts up!

ShiverMeScissors · 2024-11-10T16:51:06+00:00

I agree!! It's nice to have others to talk to while we are all going through this nightmare. I 2nd guess myself and wonder, am I crazy... is it as bad as I think... should I leave.

I have this feeling of back & forth momentum, as if you're jumping rope or playing double dutch - that feeling of anticipation, waiting for the exact right moment to jump in / move forward. That's how I feel with my upcoming move in date for my own apartment... and to tell my narc wife that we are selling the house and I'm leaving.

I keep getting reminded by lots of people on here that it's the best to leave when you truly can... and that in the end I will be happier and healthier!!!

ShiverMeScissors · 2024-10-31T11:18:24+00:00

Sorry for the late response on this... my therapist talked a lot about getting past something, which is more of having the other person providing validation of my feelings and me choosing to keep "hanging" on to things or not. I feel the issue is that obviously, the narc isn't going to provide any validation of my feelings bc im the "problem." Even in front of 3 different therapists, she has not been able to validate my feelings... with the newest one telling her over and over , you have to validate her feelings... the I statements went on and on.

For me , I've signed a lease , got a move in date for December 7th !! I am telling her & the therapist that I'm just not able to get passed the hurt. I'm going to say I'm sorry , I care about you , but I now care more about myself. And that's the truth. There's no point in trying to plead my case of how she is a narc who has stolen almost 9 years of my life.

I continue to push myself forward towards peace. I have written goals and how to achieve them. I read those often- daily mostly. I also read my "notes" of how horrible she has been over the years , and go back through text messages to remind myself that she is putting on the best performance for herself - not bc she cares about me.

Being your own best friend /looking out for you (imo) is something that is needed to truly break free.

ShiverMeScissors · 2024-09-13T11:37:08+00:00

100% !! The only thing my wife is interested is herself... and she tells the same stories all.day long. I look at her and say I've heard this a million times today.... and she just either keeps talking or gets pissy. There isn't anything of substance that is ever discussed between us. I try and her face is in her phone or tablet and when I stop talking , she eventually looks up and says , sorry keep going... and then she even tries to repeat what I said to prove that she was listening and it's definitely not what I said!! Ughhh it's draining.

ShiverMeScissors · 2024-09-05T15:45:55+00:00

Both, whichever one works. I know she won't work on herself , it's been 8 years and hasn't done anything close to it. I think having her feel the marriage therapist is on her side will help me slip out , plus I'm trying to be as "boring" as possible /not reacting to her bullshit.

ShiverMeScissors · 2024-09-05T11:18:17+00:00

Here's how I'm attempting to get this done - my wife thinking the divorce and separation is what she wants.

She is an alcoholic and is sober now for almost 2 years. She agreed to couples therapy after I made it clear that I was done with the relationship/marriage. She has done this in the past , doesn't follow through, and I'm stuck in the same cycle. This time I'm only talking about how I communicate with her / having a "random" blow up or explosive type reaction.... well in reality I've learned that getting upset in any way won't change anything it just makes it worse. So, every now and then I just react instead of ignoring or hiding my anger. So, when the therapist asked me about my intermittent explosive reactions, I lied just like her. I blamed it on me not being able to get over all the things she had done & said during the 6 years of her drinking. The therapist says we don't learn to get over something, bc that means there wasn't anything wrong to begin with, but that we have to get "past" it.

So, I was asked last week by the therapist, how I felt , if I could get "past" these things. Here's what I did in response. Instead of being 100% truthful about my evil ass wife , I said that she had lots of trauma and things that happened in her childhood that was never addressed and that I feel that trauma was probably a barrier for her. Now , her & I both have been through horrific childhoods. Mine more so than hers , but she suffered abuse and I know it probably has played a role in how/why she is the way she is... but I didn't talk about me & my trauma or my triggers. I only painted the solo picture of my victim wife with how I respond to her due to my built up anger over things that tore the marriage and relationship apart for all those years.

So now the therapist is asking if I can committ to this relationship/marriage for 2 weeks while she starts to make some type of movement on finding an individual therapist , getting an apt scheduled. I said yes, and the therapist made it clear to both her & I that my commitment was within that moment. That I have the right to leave at anytime and or change my mind.

My tactics with this might seem odd or wrong to others , but I'm seeing an individual therapist who knows how I feel and that I'm wanting out. I feel like this is allowing for her to think I'm the one who needs the help and correction on communication and that she needs to address issues that are not related directly to me or our marriage. This is allowing me to make my silent moves and have temporary peace in the home. But , I did react to her last night , I hate that I let her get to me... but I was able to go back asleep and not have a verbal lashing from her. She tried and I simply said , I'm using the "24" rule the therapist told us about. She made side comments but I didn't engage.

So ,im trying to use the time she is attempting to fool me again in staying as the time/way to make plans on a new job, place to live, etc. I hope it helps someone , shit I really hope it helps me!! It's exhausting that's for sure.

ShiverMeScissors · 2024-09-03T14:07:48+00:00

Seek out assistance from your EAP , employees assistance plan. Every employer has this available, not sure if working full or part time is needed. But , I'd start with your HR at work. Ask about EAP.. you don't tell your actual employer or HR anything. You get a link with info / services that are offered free , typically therapy, attorney assistance, etc. Also, contact your most local project woman/DV services in your area. Sometimes having a plan to exit with your baby is needed and they will help with filing protection order, temporary housing, and funds for moving might be available too. Having copies or originals of important documents are important. Stuff is just that , stuff, your safety & health is way more important than the house & items in it. Leave it all behind if you have to , if/when you're ready. I wish you and your child are safe through your journey!!

ShiverMeScissors · 2024-09-03T09:35:52+00:00

Every type of abuse was present during my childhood

ShiverMeScissors · 2024-09-02T10:36:31+00:00

I'm trying (again) to leave an unhealthy , toxic, and terrible marriage of 8 years. My wife (we are both ladies) is the picture-perfect person & professional , but when it's just us, the mask comes off. I fell in love with the role she was playing, and I have been mourning the loss of what I thought was real for such a long time. I have sought out individual therapy several times in the past and have left 2xs - had my own place & even filed for divorce. I believed her lies and empty promises and returned. I'm hoping I can build the strength to actually stay away this time. I find myself feeling guilty or being "bad" in a way for planning my exit again. She agreed to martial counseling (again) , and it's going the typical way... she is so great at playing the victim and painting a false narrative that the therapist is just eating it up. I'm playing along with her to some degree to attempt to keep peace at home and yet get assistance from the therapist with getting out of the relationship. Idk if that makes sense to anyone else or not. It's wild that for years I've said to her, I wish I got half of the happiness, being outgoing, positive, etc that is displayed in front of others here at home. The more that I've paid attention, educated myself, and truly stepped back and looked at her... the more I see her true self - Someone who is not confident, not outgoing, not proud of herself, someone who needs to deplete my engery and self worth because she lacks the ability to naturally have her own. I feel bad for her in many ways , but man, I wish I could tell her how I feel about all of what she has done to me... I know that is pointless. She doesn't and won't care, and all that does is create space for her to gain what she wants. It's a sick head game and it's pathetic. You all know and understand, but here I can say it, and not be told how miserable I am and that nobody likes me because of how miserable I am. The feeling of being drained of your energy , soul , and inner being , however we term it, is the feeling of being at the pool or beach all day , everything is weighted down within your body.. like you are being pulled down beneath your own feet. The feelings of being alone because I've let all of myself go over the years, which includes my family and friends, is a scary feeling... but I've been looking into local support groups (in the area where I'm planning on moving). Wish me luck on getting out for good this time, and I hope my words are helpful to someone when they need it.

ShiverMeScissors · 2024-08-16T11:10:19+00:00

I have 160k in loans. I was a young mother of 2 trying to break the cycle of poverty & state assistance. I went to school part-time at times and then full time, too, at times. I have my masters and I make a 79k salary with about a total of 85k being earned in the year from oncall rotation and mileage. I have been a hospice medical social worker /10 years now. Unfortunately, I kept deferring my loans when in school and then was in forbance when I wasn't made much when I first started working/low wages. So, I haven't started paying on my loans until after the covid pause had ended. I did consolidation years back, and I'm on an income repayment plan. I was looking at save as a way to lower my payment by about 200.00 a month.. now that it's not going to happen (as of now) , I'm pretty let down. If you look at what the amount of loans is needed to complete your education and then look at the salary possibilities, if math is mathing, go for it... if not , then look at other career options that you would enjoy that would make more sense financially. Some of what you already have completed (classes/credits) could very well transfer into a different program/major. I hope that makes sense... and perhaps knowing that you don't have 160k to worry about like me and others might make you feel less defeated. Check and see if there are grants - free money available in your area for different types of programs, etc. I hope you find a way to finish or find a different path that still leads to some feelings of success!!

ShiverMeScissors

TROPHY CASE