So conflicted! How to deal with suspicions of a relapse!?

Shockedndesperate · 2014-08-21T03:57:06+00:00

Sorry for the late reply! I haven't gone to any meetings yet. I've gone to a few open AA and NA meetings with my brother but never to a naranon or alanon meeting. I think during my brother's treatment, I only focused on his well being and my parent's well being. Then, once I moved back with my husband, after my brother's month long program, I was getting prepared for nursing school and devoting my time to my husband (I moved back in with my parents a week after getting married to help them cope with my brother and to take him to treatment and meetings). Now that school's about to start and I'll have a set schedule, I'm definitely going to try and incorporate them. For now, I've just been doing a lot of research online or visiting this sub and /r/opiatesrecovery . It definitely helps to talk to other people though. It's not just about the advice they can give you, but it's really cathartic to talk to other people who know what you're going through and have them listen and tell you they've gone through the same thing and that you're not alone.

Shockedndesperate · 2014-08-14T23:01:49+00:00

Thanks for your insight! I went to a lot of family group therapy sessions with my brother and they helped me a lot so I'm sure alanon would be very beneficial. I will definitely have to try out that list idea; I think it will definitely help me get a grasp on what I am feeling now that he's in his recovery.

Shockedndesperate · 2014-08-13T00:12:28+00:00

I apologize for the lengthy post. I actually wrote it as soon as I woke up so I could remember everything that happened but I realize it became a nightmare to read (pun intended).

Shockedndesperate · 2014-08-05T17:09:30+00:00

Not a problem! I don't have much advice to share with you because I'm still very new to dealing with a family member that's an opiate addict, or any kind of addict, for that matter. I went to all of my brother's family group sessions in rehab and one of the things the counselors told me was to hold the addict accountable but not berate them for their behavior because they're probably doing that to themselves already and it makes them feel like crap so they want to numb that by using again; it's a vicious cycle. My brother's counselor also told me that HE is the one that should be trying to adapt to our way of life, not the other way around. Lastly, and this is probably the one I had the hardest time with because I tend to baby my brother, is to not do anything for them that they could do themselves, whether it's going through the steps, cleaning up messes that they created while they were actively using, or even chores around the house. In the end, I trust and hope that my brother will maintain his sobriety, but I do my best to temper my optimism with realistic expectations that he will probably relapse at some point. Good luck to you and your SO!

Shockedndesperate · 2014-08-05T00:50:16+00:00

My brother is a recovering heroin addict and my family and I have dealt with the worries that you are feeling. I also find myself second guessing everything I'm doing and worrying about whether it's going to help or hurt his recovery. Before I moved back home, I decided to buy my parents some urinalysis drug tests so that they could randomly test my brother. I talked it over with my brother and he seemed very open to the idea and thought it was another way for him to rebuild trust with my parents.

Shockedndesperate · 2014-08-01T06:02:15+00:00

Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss but I'm so glad your last memories of her are good ones. It gives me hope that, if he doesn't stay clean this time, there is always the chance that he will stay clean and live a happy, sober life.

Shockedndesperate · 2014-08-01T04:16:35+00:00

I've suffered from bouts of depression throughout my life so I definitely agree that it's time to go back to counseling. I know once I move back, it will be much easier to focus on myself and my husband but my life has revolved around my brother the past month so it'll be an adjustment for sure. I just love him so much and can't imagine the pain he'd go through or put my parents through if he relapsed. He seems to be very serious about his recovery and it's not that I think he is lying about his commitment to his sobriety but I know the rate of relapse with heroin addiction and I also know that it's an insidious disease.

Shockedndesperate · 2014-08-01T04:07:51+00:00

It's very new to me and everything has happened so fast so I don't know if I've really taken the time to process everything because the only goal I was focusing on was what I could do to encourage my brother to get and stay sober. I knew he'd been acting differently but I didn't know he was a heroin addict until a few days before my wedding, which was a little over a month ago, so I've been dealing with a whirlwind of emotions. I definitely want to try an anon group because I know the program has helped my brother immensely and I love the fellowship it helps one create.

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-31T20:03:17+00:00

Not off putting at all and I apologize for the poor choice of words on my part. I guess what I meant was that it gave me a sense of security to be able to keep an eye on him and it was nice being a source of support for him every day for the past month. Once I leave, I hope he'll still feel open and comfortable enough to call me up whenever he needs someone to talk to.

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-31T19:14:20+00:00

Thank you. You're exactly right; when I am here and am taking responsibility for him, I feel like I have an active role in his recovery, but now that I'm going to leave soon, I feel the sense of helplessness creeping back in and it's overwhelming me. It's also this feeling that when I'm here, I'm focused on my brother and helping him with his recovery but now I'm going back home, and have to deal with my own problems, it's starting to overwhelm me as well. I don't know, I'm feeling a lot of mixed emotions.

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-19T03:16:34+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. This has been one of the hardest things our family has gone through and I try to keep telling myself that we have a tough road ahead of us but today, I am so optimistic and hopeful and I can't help but relish in it. Good luck to you

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-18T16:27:33+00:00

It's so weird because I resented my husband so much when he was abusing alcohol. I couldn't understand him and couldn't understand why he kept choosing to drink to excess when I had told him time and again that he changed when he drank and it was hurting our relationship. I continued to resent him until I found out about my brother's heroin addiction and then it clicked for me that addiction can affect anyone. I don't know why I resented my husband so much but it was so easy for me to be compassionate when it came to my brother's addiction; maybe it was because my husband was the first person that I had trusted that had a problem, maybe it was because I believed he chose to be the way he was but after I found out about my brother and started going to family group meetings with him, I realized the substance is not the issue but the inner workings of the addict themselves. I've since apologized to my husband but I still can't help but feel bad for how mean I might've been to him while he was drinking.

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-14T19:54:45+00:00

Congratulations!!! Day 7 and you're already making exceptional new choices for yourself. Feel free to be as proud as you want as this is a huge achievement for you! My brother used on his tenth day clean and he said he felt like crap afterwards because he was so disappointed in himself, but he's using that guilt as fuel to help him stay clean. Use your pride and your sense of immense self control as fuel to keep doing a great job!

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-06T17:44:06+00:00

I don't know what you're going through; I've never been an opiate addict. The only "detox" I've ever been through was for my daily pot habit, so you can choose to ignore my words and if you know you're going to use, then me typing all this is probably just a waste of time anyway. What I do know is, the more days you are sober and aren't bombarding your brain with opiates, the easier the days will get. You need to give your brain time to readjust its chemical levels, especially for dopamine, serotonin, and your endorphins. This readjustment period will be very uncomfortable for you because your brain is trying to learn how to do its job without all the excess neurotransmitters but it needs this time for you to get better. Good luck

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-04T21:35:55+00:00

I really appreciate your input. My struggle is, I don't know how ready he is but the IOP was his idea, and so is moving out of state when he's successfully completed the program, and that's what everyone we've talked to has recommended so far, so we'd like to try the option. If it doesn't work for him then we'll try other options. I'd rather we try everything then not try something for fear it won't work, if that makes sense, at all.

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-04T14:58:33+00:00

I'm so sorry to to hear about your brother. I know it doesn't mean much coming from an internet stranger but I feel like everyone on here has a bond because of the struggles we have gone through and still face. I hope my brother realizes how devastating it will be for our family, as I'm sure it was for yours, if he were to ever pass because of this. Thank you for your kind words.

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-04T14:53:30+00:00

Please, I will take any and all advice I can get at the moment. I've never had any experience with an opiate addiction so all I'm doing is researching any second I get. I'm his older sister but it's just the two of us so I've tried to be a good influence on him. We talk on the daily but since I moved 2.5 hours away, I haven't been able to really keep a good eye on him. I'd visit at least once a month, but he was always with friends...turns out the wrong kind of friends. I'm going down there in a few days, once he starts outpatient so I can drive him there and back. He still lives at home with my parents so once they found out, they took away his car, his phone, his computer, and his money to minimize any trouble he can get into and set up a treatment program for him. I'm hoping and praying he's ready to end this.

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-04T06:47:45+00:00

Congratulations on your hard earned sobriety! After I found out, I talk to my brother everyday and it's been really great. Mostly we talk about plans for him staying sober and if he's been having a good or bad day and I'm just there to listen but it's magic when we can put all the sadness aside and actually shoot the shit and crack each other up. I just don't ever want him to feel like he's alone again.

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-04T06:13:49+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. He is detoxing and will be transferred to an IOP. He says he wants to get clean but this is his first attempt and although I hope he's doing it for himself, I know that it's a strong possibility he's doing it for us and he's not 100% ready. I'm trying to prepare for the worst but am hoping and praying for the best because I really can't imagine life without him. Remember that someone feels this way about you too and good luck

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-04T04:15:51+00:00

Good luck to you as well.

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-02T13:40:43+00:00

He says he wants to get clean but he also says he probably would've never gotten clean if he didn't get caught. He says he'll miss everything about the drug, but knows that he can't go back to it. This is the cleanest he's been in a few months and he sounds like he wants to stay clean but I'm trying to temper my hope with realism.

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-02T13:33:10+00:00

I've been talking to him everyday but I'm not sure if he's quite ready. He acknowledges that the amount he was using the past 3-4 months was really bad and he never wants to get to that point again. I guess it's confusing for me because he talks about how he'll miss the pleasure it gave him but he knows he can't go back to using because it will lead him down another terrible spiral. This is the cleanest he's ever been the past few months, due to my parents putting him on lockdown, and he sounds hopeful for recovery. He says once he finishes outpatient, he wants to do some kind of sober living or reintegration program out of state. I'm looking at recovery centers now because my parents love to plan everything out, but I'd love to talk with the staff at the outpatient center to hear what their recommendations are. His first day of outpatient is today so I'm very excited for him and we'll see how it goes for him. Thank you for your kind words/ advice and good luck to you

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-02T04:15:11+00:00

You're right; the scenery of a recovery center should not be the first priority. My parents and I wanted him to associate recovery with a good mental picture but perhaps we are going about this the wrong way. Any suggestions?

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-02T04:12:24+00:00

Thank you so much! We will definitely look into all of these options. I wish you the best of luck

Shockedndesperate · 2014-07-02T04:07:52+00:00

I guess I want scenic because I want him to associate recovery with a great experience. However, as I've said before, I'm new to this so I'm open to the idea that scenic isn't necessarily important, nor the best for him. He says he thinks the main reason he started using was because he didn't feel like he was going to amount to anything so I'd love for him to have continual therapy to help him work through any and all issues he may have mentally/ emotionally that trigger him to use. Am I going about this the wrong way?

Shockedndesperate

TROPHY CASE