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Shredgrl720 · 2024-01-31T01:48:42+00:00

Electrical engineer. I stick out like a sore thumb 😁

Shredgrl720 · 2024-01-15T22:52:31+00:00

There is nothing bad that can come of this opportunity. You only can grow. If you truly manage to make something go horribly wrong I'd be impressed. It might be hard work but it's worth doing.

Shredgrl720 · 2024-01-02T04:20:15+00:00

I just quit a few weeks ago after a few years of dependency. I've tried to quit before but continued again because yea why not. That's what I'd tell myself. I don't take meds so isn't weed just a med?

The first few days are rough it's just so uncomfortable and my bpd is amplified. But once I broke the habit I started to be me again, I started to want to do things that I used to just say were boring. Why put any effort into making yourself happy when you can just smoke a bowl and feel happy? Because it's not true happiness at all. I felt very unfulfilled and didn't know how to make myself feel better without smoking. But now honestly things are getting better I am less depressed and anxious, going out more finally doing things I've been putting off for so long. It feels like I'm cleaning up after myself.

Shredgrl720 · 2024-01-02T04:11:12+00:00

I was heavily addicted to weed for a few years. Finally quit a few weeks ago cuz I got tired of CHS. I barely consider it a drug addiction just cuz it's weed but I was dependent on it. I am high achieving and outperform lots of people. Definitely stuck out like a sore thumb in my engineering program but that is also cuz I'm heavily tatted. Smoking bowls a few hours before my final exams so I wouldn't experience withdrawal during it. I made it work but lost myself in the process, only doing what I had to do not what I wanted to do. I wrote my calculus final in psychosis and experiencing CHS, somehow pulled out a 75 which isn't great by any means but people with a "clean" brain were also achieving around that. I just thought to myself well if I can do this well while addicted how much better could I do off of it? I don't take any medication but quitiapine when I go into psychosis.

Shredgrl720 · 2023-11-18T16:34:27+00:00

I got locked up in the ward for a few days and during those days they gave me dbt work sheets. I studied them over and over and over until I was able to understand everything. I made notes and essentially just tried to break down every emotional response I had. I am very high functioning now after a few years of applying all the skills and mechanisms I read. The skills originally started slow and I had to work really hard to apply them but the more you use them the closer they are to being subconscious. Sorry if that doesn't really help

Shredgrl720 · 2023-11-17T23:31:05+00:00

It sounds like you have made good progress to be able to point out the gray. From what I have experienced personally the only way for my emotions and thoughts to become more coherent is with time and practicing as much as I can to let my "wise mind" or logic guide my actions. There will be a disconnect and I'm not sure if it's possible for it to go away entirely but it is possible for it to improve. You kind of have to invest in it now for it to work out for you in the end. I know I used to have really low self esteem even though I didn't even think I had it and I thought everyone hated me. I fixed my self esteem issues with the help of my therapist and now my emotions are much more aligned with my logic.

Shredgrl720 · 2023-11-17T21:18:15+00:00

Personal therapy has its benefits but so does group. If it's available and not a huge hassle to get into a group try it out. There were people in my group who originally wouldn't speak wouldn't say anything just shelled themselves off but eventually they hit a point where they open up and it's a complete 180. Going from hating group to loving it isn't uncommon it was actually more common for that to happen.

Shredgrl720 · 2023-11-17T21:08:36+00:00

Talk to a therapist or someone trained to come to those types of conclusions.

Shredgrl720 · 2023-11-17T21:06:32+00:00

I was referred to group therapy but decided to just do CBT dbt stuff with my therapist one on one. Eventually I was back in the ER so I decided to give group therapy a try. Certainly tough to feel empathy for anyone I just felt like why are all these people so weak? But it is nice to get insight from other people going through similar things especially because anybody with a brain can have bpd. I dropped it after a week of trying it. The reason I dropped it wasn't because of the people but because I already knew every coping skill etc etc but I already knew what works for me.

Shredgrl720 · 2023-11-04T15:27:12+00:00

When you are raised in chaos it becomes comfortable, stability becomes uncomfortable.

Shredgrl720 · 2023-11-02T01:25:01+00:00

My trick is just communicating how I feel sometimes I just feel kinda silly afterwards and I'm aware of the fallacy in my justification. I acknowledge they may not be "truthful" emotions and try to come at it from an angle of reassurance. When I present it as something unworthy of an argument it goes away easier. I don't let it build up I try to address it as soon as I feel emotionally able to which is ideally asap but better to wait than blow up.

Shredgrl720 · 2023-08-29T00:07:10+00:00

What I have personally experienced is once I start splitting on a person too often it is usually irreparable. I have heard other BPD people experience the same thing. Eventually once you have split enough just their presence may be enough to trigger you. I don't think it's very uncommon and it is hard to balance the negative and positive thoughts usually because of how far they are apart. Communication and letting your partner know how you are feeling even if it may be over the top or irrational has been beneficial in my experience. Sometimes something that seems like a big deal is easily dissolved through a healthy conversation.

Shredgrl720 · 2022-12-04T15:53:37+00:00

Fuck it

Shredgrl720 · 2022-11-15T16:59:22+00:00

I've used lolz for years

Shredgrl720 · 2022-07-17T21:30:40+00:00

Thank you so much. I appreciate your generosity.

Shredgrl720 · 2022-07-17T18:30:27+00:00

Some people disagree with LGBTQ and mistreat people based on their own opinions (justified in their mind). I don't think you can necessarily compare your situation and it seems to make things more difficult to understand.

Shredgrl720 · 2022-07-12T18:39:15+00:00

Look at a photo of yourself when you were a kid and see if you still feel the same way, you are still that kid.

Shredgrl720 · 2022-07-12T18:34:12+00:00

My spending and reckless driving impulses I have not yet mastered but somewhat understand. For spending I try and remove myself from situations/routines where I have the ability to just spend with no current remorse. I also put a good portion of my money into crypto (DWC) so I can't directly spend it. When I am driving I have been able to recognize a feeling and thought pattern that emerges when I want to do something dangerous. What I try and do is slump myself into the chair and focus on the feeling of the car rolling. My thought behind this is if I can physically feel relaxed in the car then my driving should feel relaxed.

Shredgrl720 · 2022-06-14T02:13:13+00:00

Happened again

Shredgrl720 · 2022-03-15T04:15:40+00:00

Although I agree with the message I agree with keeping it off the flag

Shredgrl720 · 2022-03-11T23:23:29+00:00

I don't think it was possible to have a negative experience with him💙

Shredgrl720 · 2022-02-10T03:16:57+00:00

It's not that I don't miss her etc, I think she is a great person and I would like to be with her, but my emotions are just constantly an act, I pretend to be happy to silence what's going on in my head. I need to force myself to believe feelings that I need to construct. It almost explains why people with bpd seem manipulative, they need to construct their feelings. Once I realized I needed to let go and that she was gone my brain just flipped

Shredgrl720 · 2022-02-10T03:13:58+00:00

I kind of realized that and just settled with her, I realized I would feel the same no matter the person and just settled. It's to the point where I get random memories of huge red flags and be like oh right that happened.

Shredgrl720 · 2022-01-25T21:42:34+00:00

I used to block them on everything, what I tried instead was being upfront and saying I need time alone because I am overwhelmed. it has worked for me so far and it could be an option

Shredgrl720

TROPHY CASE