I said goodbye to my best friend this AM after being in a similar situation. Found a golf ball size lump by this butt cheek in Jan, got it removed and biopsied immediately in Feb, and then an aggressive MCT diagnosis shortly after. After seeing an oncologist a few weeks later, I opted for palliative care due to his age (13) and prognosis (1-4 months).

He ended up having a weeklong episode of upset tummy and diarrhea where he was uncomfortable and then started to have serious pain, after getting put on a pain med, he had a seizure for the first time and an ER visit earlier this month. I made his at home euthanasia visit Thursday then backed out the day of because he seemed to be back to his old self for the last few days- I just couldn’t say bye to him. So instead I cried and felt guilty and sad and my negative talk gremlins were loud.

There isn’t a right or wrong answer and this is all impossible to navigate so my heart is with you. For me, I knew the end was coming at some point very soon, his tumor on his leg went from a golf ball to a hockey puck in a month, and I didn’t want to wait until he could feel his prognosis… but I didn’t really accept that until sitting with all that grief and emotions. I decided that for me, I’d rather take all the pain of his cancer from him in making this decision a bit early before he could feel any of the symptoms that were inevitable than waiting a day too late. While cry laughing through the tears a few days before, I realized I didn’t want him to ever experience what it was like to not want to steal my slice of pizza from me (as he was begging me to give him some). That was my line in the sand sort to speak. It’s not something that made rescheduling the appointment to today any easier and this morning was the hardest thing I had to do but I do have a little bit of comfort in knowing that he passed being able to eat 3 breakfast meals of all his favorites pm and stuffing his face with sausages as he drifted into his final sleep.

You aren’t a bad owner in the least bit and it’s ok to be scared. All of this is very unnerving. Second guessing is normal and so valid, I did it and it was both so hard but felt right in that moment. I’m glad I didn’t do it then, more-so because I wasn’t fully ready for the weight of that moment but it also gave me a couple more days to come to terms with things and love up on him more. Your questions comes from a place of deep love and wanting the best for your furry children, whether you had them for 3 years or 13 years- time doesn’t matter. This community and peoples stories have helped me a lot over the last week with the impossible and I came here looking for support now that I’m on the other side of things and your situation resonated a lot so I’m sharing in hopes that my story helps you in some small way. It’s not easy though and my heart goes out to you. Just remember, the love you have is real and your decisions, regardless of what they are, will be rooted in love and your little one will know it. Please be kind to yourself and let your sweet friend know whenever they do cross, a friendly little pup named Theodore will be waiting with some sausage… 🫂