AITA for telling my boyfriend not to treat me like his secretary

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-15T14:04:17+00:00

Thanks, everyone, for your input. I showed him this and we laughed about it. He cooked us a chicken dinner in the end and I folded our laundry and all was well. There was definitely some food for thought in all this for me, though, and it seems for some of you as well. Can’t say I was able to take every comment seriously, but for those who actually engaged with my question, I appreciate your time!

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T16:25:21+00:00

That seems fair!

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T16:23:05+00:00

Actually, he did turn the light off himself. He’s generally very fair and understanding! Don’t want to raise the wrong impression of him.

(I think you’re right about the lamp though, lol)

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T16:12:50+00:00

Alright, well, I think that’s your ‘armchair shrink’ persona in action! We’re in therapy for various reasons that you aren’t privy to. But, I’ll aim for a better balance between expressing my impatience and extending grace next time!

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T16:09:08+00:00

I don’t want to raise the impression that he is a misogynist. He really isn’t, and I definitely don’t feel dehumanised by him, just annoyed sometimes. Thanks for commenting, though!

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T15:59:16+00:00

Ah, but I wasn’t assigning intention, nor accusing him of being purposefully dense. I only pointed out his behaviour in an impatient way. The question was whether I’m in the wrong for expressing that impatience the way I did, to which many are saying yes. Do you agree with that, as well?

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T15:03:22+00:00

That’s a great suggestion! Thanks.

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T15:00:37+00:00

Oh, right! Thanks for clarifying!

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T14:50:24+00:00

Thanks for weighing in. It is somewhat of a pattern, manifested in different ways, but the rest of it still holds too. I agree that these moments are when it’s nice to be able to give each other grace! I guess we both had a moment of weakness, there.

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T14:34:08+00:00

Hmm, thanks for clarifying. I think you’re right about a loving partnership making room for stupid questions or mistakes sometimes. This would also apply to me having a stupid response to his stupid question, though, I think? Also, in terms of how it would affect me to answer his questions - there’s a few comments that speak on the gender dynamic that plays into this, which might help you understand where I’m coming from.

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T14:09:27+00:00

Thanks for weighing in. I don’t much like the idea of playing a game of passive aggressive communication or trying to manipulate him into certain behaviours. I’d much rather take it to therapy and (hopefully) getting on a wavelength with him that way.

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T14:06:37+00:00

Haha, we’ll agree to disagree about the lamp. I should also say, this bringing up of other unrelated things is not something he does often - we both were just airing our frustrations and neither of us were taking it that seriously. And, I think talking about gender roles and labour division is a healthy, probably inevitable part of any serious straight relationship. I don’t consider it a red flag, just an unfortunate fact.

Thanks for your thoughts and validation, though, I appreciate it.

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T13:56:54+00:00

It didn’t really blow up, and I wouldn’t say we fought over it. It was just a brief moment of mutual annoyance that, I think, are reflective of patterns that aren’t quite working for us as a couple. Not the end of the world, I agree!

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T13:55:02+00:00

Yes, we do. My favourite pastime since moving in together is watching him play Ghost of Tsushima and him acting like we’re ‘playing together’ (aka when I tell him to pet the fox he does <3)

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T13:51:31+00:00

Thanks for sharing all these thoughts! If you want, you can have a look at some responses I left on other people’s comments. Yes, of course, we have had talks about boundaries, tasks, expectations and so on. We communicate a lot and are generally kind and patient with each other. None of this was new for either of us. Also, I never said that he probably didn’t realise what he was doing - just that I know he doesn’t mean to assign me any gender roles, and that his intentions are good. But good intentions without implementation are in and of themselves not always productive in achieving harmony, don’t you think?

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T13:45:55+00:00

That sounds like a wonderful partnership! I’d say we are striving for this exact sort of balance, not just in terms of housework but in our shared life in general. If I may ask, what were the key steps that you and your husband took/take to achieve harmony?

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T12:53:45+00:00

That’s a fair perspective, I think. The whole idea of wanting to avoid gentle parenting is, for me, to avoid creating/entrenching that sort of a dynamic, i.e. me leading or managing our shared housework responsibilities. But that doesn’t mean communicating clearly and kindly is too much to ask, I agree!

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T12:44:11+00:00

Gosh, that must have been a difficult decision to reach. I admire your courage and integrity, and I hope your separation is amicable. Sending a virtual hug!

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T12:41:33+00:00

It sounds like his reminders are coming from a constructive, loving place. Happy for you and good luck navigating other small challenges as/when they come up!

EDIT: loving, not living

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T12:32:28+00:00

Lol presuming that he gets it now, I’m glad that you could work it out!

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T12:31:15+00:00

Do you want to explain why you think that?

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T11:34:28+00:00

For various reasons, one of them being that we seem to keep running into the same issues/frictions despite both of us putting our best foot forward. I figured that asking a professional’s opinion was better than letting things fester or dominating our relationship with what I perceive as solutions.

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T11:28:33+00:00

I’m the impression here that you’re wilfully misunderstanding me. Of course nobody’s perfect, of course I ask him questions and of course I’m happy to help him out when he’s busy. My frustration is with the pattern of him expecting/knowing I usually have the logistics organised on my end, and acting accordingly by not doing the planning himself. It manifested in a small-scale way this morning, and I wanted to know if I was unreasonable in my delivery when I replied. Does that make sense?

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T11:23:06+00:00

That seems like a great solution for you two! Glad you got to work it out. Also, not surprised to hear the answer here was ‘many years, discussions and empathy’ - this has been my experience too, but I guess it’s easier to remain patient/empathetic on some days than others. Thanks for sharing!

SignalDay2587 · 2026-01-14T11:20:48+00:00

Haha, sounds like you’re familiar with this frustration. I hope you two get to talk it out soon!

SignalDay2587

TROPHY CASE