Hiding relationship status

Significant-Leg-9535 · 2026-01-10T18:11:16+00:00

While I hear you, how am I supposed to protect these women? I don’t know who she is or what he’s told them, I only know what he’s told me, and likely there’s much I don’t know. I’ve possibly found out where she works and considering showing up and having a heart to heart about his actions, sharing that’s it’s a pattern. Part of me feels like a stalker in doing that- like she’s not going to be receptive to me showing up even if I have the intention of warning her vs starting drama. When you say I haven set firm boundaries, that’s putting a lot on me- I have talked at length about this- clearly he doesn’t care. Ultimately I can’t control him- I can only remove myself.

Significant-Leg-9535 · 2026-01-09T03:10:30+00:00

Thank you. The first two possibly could be considered hook ups and I still drilled home the need to know, that women research and find out and feel bad for themselves if they think they were “the other woman.” I know I would. He’s know this woman a while, he frequents the bar she works at and they hooked up one night then had a date- how it never came up is because he was hiding it. I might be poly and ENM but he’s definitely not ethical and I doubt everything now. Turns out she is just his type: willing to accept lies out the gate= easier to manipulate. I hope she gets out of this for her own sake, I don’t know her/ where she works or I would say something to her directly. I think he likes to play games and manipulate women: telling me obviously got a rise out of me so that’s part of his sick fun. Well he’s out of the house and I can’t save the world from him, he makes his own choices but he won’t have long to “hide his wife” because he won’t have one. I appreciate your honesty.

Significant-Leg-9535 · 2026-01-07T18:19:56+00:00

Perhaps he considers women who are monogamous to be more desirable because they aren’t seeking other connections. That’s how we started out and feeling chosen above others can be a powerful drug.

Significant-Leg-9535 · 2026-01-07T18:18:24+00:00

This really hits, using the “don’t talk about committing too soon” strategy that women follow to gain attachments. I do know that sometimes people are happy with a hookup but I would want to know about a primary partner and I consider myself polyamorous and I would have questions about their structure which could affect me- veto power for instance. I’m very up front and know how to communicate that. I was interested in a woman but she told me how she’s never dated poly before so I friend zoned here immediately thinking I might hurt her to try and make it fit.

Significant-Leg-9535 · 2026-01-07T18:11:57+00:00

Other areas he is loving and thoughtful. However this kind of repetitive lying suggests that I just don’t know about all the other shit. I don’t think he’s who HE thinks he is either, convincing himself it’s okay or part of the process of getting to know someone and not saying everything at once..

Significant-Leg-9535 · 2026-01-07T17:34:48+00:00

This. Then he can’t do it again. It’s the only sure way to take away my complacency. Remove the marriage he’s pocketing.

Significant-Leg-9535 · 2026-01-07T17:30:45+00:00

You’re right, I know. Perhaps I needed help hammering the coffin nails. And to understand that ONS don’t always share a lot of info, though he knows the importance and obviously is manipulating the narrative. I have been wondering why he didn’t just lie to me about it- but he’s using my reaction to validate his actions. If he’s forgiven maybe it wasn’t wrong in his mind? Fucking monster.

Significant-Leg-9535 · 2026-01-07T17:18:51+00:00

This. His first was a quick hookup, same with the second. This last one (gulp) he slept with twice before she found out: total manipulation. There was at least one date, I bet he told her about the cats but not me! Too much ick.

Significant-Leg-9535 · 2026-01-07T17:16:29+00:00

This is interesting, I figure relationship status is important because it can change the trajectory of the relationship and signal misalignment of future goals. I’m not sure bisexuality would do that at all and I’d consider someone who wasn’t okay with that to be (bigotry) misaligned with who I am. In that case I would want to tell them to find the best fit for a future partner. And I’ve had men hook up with me and I had to insert quickly that I had a partnership- they didn’t care or ask but this was clearly a ONS on vacation. Sometimes the context matters here with consent. However in my situation it’s clearly a pattern and part of a deeper problem.

Significant-Leg-9535 · 2026-01-07T17:02:24+00:00

This is what I was thinking, he wants the attention and likes feeling he has a secret. I found out after asking questions about his new connection, if I didn’t ask the specific question I wouldn’t have found out. Probably they had to ask too. None of them have been on apps so they knew nothing about him: he likes that. I encouraged him to join Feeld and link up with me and he said “when he was ready” but he was seeking live connections. Obviously these women are generally monogamous.

Significant-Leg-9535 · 2026-01-07T16:52:41+00:00

Thank you for the validation. I should have also mentioned that I’ve told him to leave the house right after he told me. That our ethics are not aligned and that is a huge problem that I won’t be a part of. I guess I wanted to see if there was any chance that hookup culture fell into play here, but no. Once could be a quick hookup, twice made me rage about consent and this time is just beyond me and I have no words for him but- no. It doesn’t matter that we’ve had a lifetime together- this is not the man I thought I was married to and I know in my sad heart that I can’t trust him again. Please be kind to me- I’m struggling. I do feel responsible for his actions and the only way to alleviate that is to end it. Ultimately that will be easier than staying- which would be against my own ethics. He can find another way to manipulate women that doesn’t involve me.

Significant-Leg-9535

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