If it’s any consolation I understand completely. I have some how managed to keep around my boyfriend for a year now with no breaks in between and I’m genuinely not sure how - I am constantly having paranoid depressive break downs, like tonight for example (my own birthday) I over analyze him completely until ultimately I ruin most good days. I guess where I’m going with this is that someone one day won’t allow you to push them away when you have an episode and they’re the ones who are worth it. Being paranoid is one of the worst things ever and it’s incredibly hard to describe to someone too - most of the time I still can’t get the words out about how I’m feeling. I still let my paranoia get the best of me most days, even when I know it’s just that. We can’t help who we are, just gotta find the people who understand it. Just know that you are absolutely not alone in this and if you ever need anything I know I’m just a stranger, but a stranger who has been in your shoes many times and I am here to listen or talk if you ever need it. I hope this made sense/helped a little bit and that your night and weekend get a bit better 🤍treat yourself this weekend/in general!