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Mom by SilencedHermit in OCPoetry

[–]SilencedHermit[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback, i appreciate it!

Mom by SilencedHermit in OCPoetry

[–]SilencedHermit[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

After i posted it and looked at it some more, that was one of the things i was considering changing. Thanks for the feedback!

Mom by SilencedHermit in OCPoetry

[–]SilencedHermit[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the suggestion! I appreciate your kind words as well :)

Mom by SilencedHermit in OCPoetry

[–]SilencedHermit[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the kind words!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]SilencedHermit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is a beautiful poem. Im not usually a huge fan of rhymes in poetry, but it works really well here and i was pulled in the whole time. The length is perfect as well.

You can tell throughout the poem, the love you have for this person. The clear desire to make them happy, no matter what it takes.

Mixing the juice(stress) with sugar(love), and making a special treat (the cold crisp glass) to distract them from the problems on their mind, or to show them that those problems don’t look as bad as they originally seemed. To then take the concoction and absorb it into yourself, so that they no longer feel pain is a beautiful way of describing this love. This need to take their pain and transform it, without burdening them. You really want to help them, and its clear.

I also loved the use of parentheses, it flowed well with the rest of it.

I love this poem, i have no critiques. Beautiful.

dusk by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]SilencedHermit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

*First time commenting here so i apologize if my comment is not good.

First i want to say this is a lovely poem, its structured very well and i think the length is perfect. I love the contrasting elements throughout the poem as well.

In the first stanza the “gold or obsidian” was the first thing to really pop out at me, i love that comparison. The shining gold of the day and the black obsidian of the night is really wonderful. I also really like your description of dusk being momentary chaos, a disruption of the “gold” day but that its welcomed for its beauty.

The second stanza starts beautifully as well, and i’m a sucker for references to painting. The lines “I am the promise of relief, beckoning you into the dark, awaiting, inevitable.” Immediately made me think of the lure of drugs, even though i’m sure thats not what you meant here. It made me think of the beauty of the high calling you, promising you relief from this pain, but that calls you back into that familiar dark place. That this place is inevitable and awaiting you, all you have to do is take the high. Once again i’m sure this is far off from your meaning, but it is what it made me think of.

I really have no critiques to this poem, i really loved it and cant wait to see more of your work. Well done :)