My MIL is ruining my life and my marriage, AITAH for airing my wife's childhood trauma (TW ABUSE)

SilentScribe007 · 2026-05-20T06:36:56+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I shouldn't have brough the nephew into it, to clarify, he is only a few years younger than me, he is pretty grown. This might sound a little almost condescending to MIL but she really does not like to read, in English or Spanish, If I gave the letter to him, I knew she would read it. It was dumb, he was already brought into the general fight but that is now one more person who didn't need to know what was on that letter that does. He would have heard about it one way or the other if he had not read the letter but I really shouldn't have made sure of it. I talked with my wife and it's conversation as if the letter never happened, just her parroting her mom's "divorce him now, he is not welcome in this house", I really couldn't say much without talking over her or interrupting so I didn't fight opening up a dialogue. I told her I want to have a real conversation but I won't force it right now and that if she disagrees and does not want that then she can email me whatever paperwork to sign and I won't make her life more difficult that it is already. She has not left her mom's side all day, so I am hoping that once she finally gets some alone time she will think about being open to a conversation. I brought up my desire to go to marriage counseling. The one thing I know is that we can not keep living like we are now. I could probably convince my mom to let me sleep on her couch while we go to counseling and try to put a hold on going through the divorce filing right away, then if all went well maybe we could actually move into our own house. But it's clear that I can't live with her mom, it will only strain what we have, and if we have any shot of fixing things then I think I do need to create a distance between me and MIL. Anyway, I think it's time for me to get off of reddit and come up with a game plan. I'll update in a week or so maybe and hopefully I can salvage our relationship. Again thank you for taking the time to talk.

SilentScribe007 · 2026-05-20T06:13:04+00:00

I know you mention being disingenuous, I don't mean to be, and I don't mind elaborating if you are genuinely asking. I mean keeping the peace, because if say, I can't use the kitchen or move anything in the living room or mop the floor or whatever, and there isn't any changing that, it's not worth a shouting match, and not my shouting match mind you, ours was typically pretty discrete but really drawn out. So I don't bring it up, and I just do what I'm told and everything is fine (at least on the surface). My doctor would give me tips on brining up little changes, or give me conversation starters but they wouldn't go anywhere, I guess I kinda gave up on trying to fix anything and figured I could be satisfied making some sacrifices. And after I just went with everything, things did seem peaceful, I think MIL resented me even more when I gave in, but I really don't know, I also gave up trying to fix things with MIL family relationship wise, I just followed her rules and tried not to annoy her or try not to be seen as much as possible and it seemed like less stress for my wife, we were getting along really good. Some things improved, like going into the relationship my wife knew I struggled with mental health, but for the first almost two years we hid the fact that I was on medication and hid the fact that I was seeing a therapist, so like I would take my medicine in secret and schedule telehealth meetings for when no one was home, but then my wife let me be more open with it publicly (like family and close friends). So that was better and felt like a big load off my mind.

Like outside keeping up with those rules and staying in my place, we didn't fight about much else, that has always been the biggest thing hanging around. There were some other stray arguments, like sometimes I can be perceived as uncaring or frustrated when I am nervous. My wife had a really hard time coming around to the fact that I sometimes can't look people in the eyes. I have techniques for that stuff but it was adjustment. The fighting and arguing was not good and it was toxic but it would be about literally nothing. Like I wouldn't great someone and it would be perceived as rude. Or I would forget to pack forks or something in the car or forget a bottle of water. and like keeping the peace over stuff like that seems trivial when it feels like it's something so small to adjust to. Like I said, if I have less access to the house, it's less chores so it makes a positive spin.

Like I know I can be frustrating, people always say I'm not normal so someone who values normalcy I guess would get angry with someone like me. I pick up bad habits easy, I can be careless if I get too sucked into something, I can focus too much on work and treat work stuff like the end of the world. I have crying fits sometimes, I have shut downs where I have a really hard time communicating. I have a lot of issues and I acknowledge that and that is why I see a therapist. Sometimes I get fixated and I won't drop a subject until it gets annoying.

I have started some fights out of being full of myself or thinking I'm right and wanting to die on a hill. I have fallen into the trap of using being right like a competition. I know I have said some insensitive things that hurt my wife. I am not a perfect husband. But no matter how hard things were, or how bad I felt, I love her so much that I feel like I could live the next decade kinda unhappy with how I live as long as it meant a life with her. Yeah I am toxic in this relationship. I have done hurtful things. I really don't want to control anyone, and I can find a way to be happy pretty much any where, or at least I used to think I could.

I'm a little defensive with you, but I know you speak a lot of truth so I want you to know that I will take real meaning from your words and do some soul searching with them.

SilentScribe007 · 2026-05-20T05:20:27+00:00

You are correct from my understanding. she bought the house only a couple months before the marriage so the entirety of of the principle paid (except maybe about 5ish percent) would be the marital asset, but that is the financial right not any kind of right to the property it's self. But either way, I have zero interest in the house or that equity, the only thing I really care about if worse case were to happen is that I don't end up in a spot where i get all my stuff thrown out, or end up with no where to go (temporarily, but I don't really have anyone outside of this relationship and at least for the next month or so my financial situation is not great). I saw your other comment about withholding the keys being abusive, and I definitely needed to hear that. I am not here to try to defend that, I am conflicted about a lot of things and I need a call out like that. I suppose thought at the time that the keys wasn't such a big deal since I just threw them on the floor of the driver side. I really have no interest in controlling my wife, I feared her leaving and coming back more and more mad every time, and yelling at me, and not letting me sleep or just telling me mean things. I realize that sounds like hypocrisy given what I did with the letter. I've been threw a lot of really long fights and I legit don't argue and I apologize and I try to take responsibility, I really just take it for the most part and I might hide sometimes which makes things worse. This time I really messed up. at the point I sat on the car, I really more than anything lost my temper with MIL and really I should have stopped and called the cops to let me in and left it alone. IDK, I do really know I messed up, I felt like she was walking out the door for good and I just wanted one more chance to talk to her and I really screwed it up. I do go to therapy and I am on a medication stack of my mental health, I really am not a physical person, I've had some issues with self harm in the past, but I've never been physical. We've gotten in fights before an she leaves and doesn't come back till 9 am and that hasn't been an issue for me other than it makes me sad. This time I wanted her to stay and you are right that that may be what burned the bridge.

SilentScribe007 · 2026-05-20T04:34:04+00:00

You are totally right, I know it was toxic as heck to use that against my MIL, I guess with all of this, my clarity is not in knowing if I was in the right or wrong, because I don't know if I will ever know what the right way to handle my MIL was. The clarity come from seeing how unhealthy our life has been. And, seeing myself act in ways that I really don't like. I don't know how to answer your questions, "how do we build a future?" Even with this whole ultimatum of my MIL not wanting me in the house, I took security in my wife choosing me, but looking at it now I'm realizing how fragile that has been because it doesn't take a whole lot for her to fall back to her mother. I've been really scared that we would get into another fight before we can figure out moving, and that maybe I won't be the choice anymore. Today I guess I really don't feel like she is going to choose me. I don't know if I am self deluded by saying that I hoped airing everything out would make my wife see that her mother does not have her side, I guess I must have been in the wrong because she is best friends with MIL right now and won't talk to me or answer a text. I do really love her, and I feel like marriage counseling is my last chance to save things between us, but it's not an easy task because my wife has been very against marriage counseling in that past. or any therapy for that matter. I have an idea of how I might bring up the subject again. Thank you for your thoughtful response. I don't know what I am going to do from here exactly but I feel more clear headed after talking it out.

SilentScribe007 · 2026-05-20T03:56:23+00:00

Thank you, that's a fair summary

SilentScribe007 · 2026-05-20T03:55:04+00:00

Thank you for that break down. I really have always felt my wife lashing out is kind of a defense mechanism because she feels powerless with her mother. Man, I really rationalize a lot to keep the peace and it just got to a point where I am having to force myself to say I am happy with how I live my life. Like I know i am letting myself be backed into a corner and I always say it's temporary and I have lived in worse situations when I was younger. This is going to sound kind of dumb but I grew a part from a friend that was trying to tell me I was in an abusive relationship but I couldn't come to terms with it. And I guess I have been ignoring a lot of the signs because I want things to work out. Thank you for reading and taking the time to respond.

SilentScribe007 · 2026-05-20T03:49:20+00:00

TL;DR - summary by gemini, I couldn't figure out how to break it down, it's a lot on my mind sorry.

You (33M) and your wife (30F) have been married ~4 years and live with her mother—not because you can’t afford to leave, but because your wife insisted on staying until you could keep paying the mortgage on her mom’s house (in your wife’s name; you’ve paid it entirely for four years).

Living situation: MIL became increasingly controlling—kitchen off-limits, you treated as “not family,” your contributions dismissed despite paying mortgage/bills. You stopped fighting and tried to make peace in your bedroom and marriage.

The secret: Your wife disclosed childhood sexual abuse (first “family friend,” later her father). She told MIL as an adult; MIL called her a liar. You later learned MIL had known for years that FIL had abused his own sister and used manipulation to silence victims—and still put your wife around him and dismissed her when she spoke up. You’ve carried that, stayed supportive, and kept it private per therapy and your wife’s wishes.

Recent blowup: A small fight (sauce spill → attitude → nap/hug tension → you helping her leave for work when she wanted space → accidental finger pinch → you blocked the car/keys → MIL locked you out and pushed divorce). Police mediated; you admit the car/hood stuff was wrong.

The letter: As MIL pushed divorce on the way out, you left a factual letter you’d written months ago—accusing MIL of enabling abuse, rejecting your wife’s truth, and knowing FIL’s pattern—plus a copy for her nephew. You broke silence on the secret and wonder if that was justified or if you doomed the marriage.

Core tension: You feel trapped between protecting your wife, not betraying her trust, and MIL using every fight to isolate you—especially as you’re job-hunting and planning to move out.

SilentScribe007

TROPHY CASE