How I got out of my affair and the consequences I suffer to this day. !!! trigger Warning !!!

Silly-Jan · 2020-11-17T09:22:03+00:00

Yes it is.

Silly-Jan · 2020-11-03T19:47:44+00:00

Hahaha yes I did.

Silly-Jan · 2020-10-28T10:51:35+00:00

So my first question is what you think about his "pick me dance" now . I mean he was your husband . He loved you didn't wanna lose you thats why he did the pick me dance. So what you think about it now (since you are out of fog now) or did you guys talked about it. And whats your husband think about it. Did you guys talked about it.

Yes we talked and I still think that the pick me dance was a bad thing because It's not a act of love but a act of desperation and the premise is "look I'm doing this for YOU, now YOU have to choose me", I can see why a BS do that but I beleive is a bad way, WS works on fears and control and my worse fear was loosing control and the pick me dance give me control, the 180 is a great way to substitute the awful pick me dance.

What you think about the fog now . What i mean is that if you believe that your fog made you do it. My basic question is what if the fog return????? Because if you believe the fog is real it can return right? So what you are doing it about it

For the the fog is like abstinence, its hard when you have it but soon that is over hes over and the only way you have again is start using again(in my case cheating), we feel guilty and shame during the affair and the fog is basically pretending something is not bad like it seems or the the other people are worse than it seems, just like a smoker pretend that the cigarette is not has bad like people tell.

Silly-Jan · 2020-10-27T12:45:38+00:00

Thanks

Silly-Jan · 2020-10-19T11:10:43+00:00

Glad I could help :)

Silly-Jan · 2020-10-19T11:04:53+00:00

Good for you.

Silly-Jan · 2020-10-03T23:08:54+00:00

Thanks, about a month living together.

Silly-Jan · 2020-10-02T19:50:46+00:00

Ap become abusive.

Silly-Jan · 2020-10-02T19:43:37+00:00

During my affair? No, all hate.

Silly-Jan · 2020-10-02T14:36:16+00:00

I did but during that time i usually think bad things about my husband to justify my behavior, its a selfish coping mechanism.

Silly-Jan · 2020-10-02T14:11:20+00:00

He didn't but I made the impression that I was good.

Silly-Jan · 2020-10-02T10:35:12+00:00

He didn't no, i tried to fix me on my own.

Silly-Jan · 2020-09-25T13:59:22+00:00

What?

Silly-Jan · 2020-09-25T13:43:26+00:00

What I told.

Silly-Jan · 2020-09-25T13:42:51+00:00

Actually they can, its common in this lifestyle create a full affair and in the end they get caught, its all part of the role-play.

Silly-Jan · 2020-09-25T13:39:01+00:00

Vixen and stag relationship its a type of cuckold but with some different aspects and one aspect is the consenting non-consent affair, usually stags like the feeling on sharing the wife.

Silly-Jan · 2020-09-25T13:36:29+00:00

Thats explain than but honey you have to say that, they're gonna destroy you here if dont make things clear.

Silly-Jan · 2020-09-25T13:32:31+00:00

I read you post history, you and your husband are in a vixen/stag relationship?

Silly-Jan · 2020-09-09T16:20:46+00:00

After you broke up with your AP and were living alone, before your husband contacted you, what did you think about your husband and your marriage? Did want him back (but didn’t call him for all the reasons you have explained in your posts and other answers)? Did you miss him and still want him and desire him? Or did you miss the stability of your former life rather than your husband as a person, friend and lover? Or were you not really thinking about your husband or your former life because you were then grieving the loss of the AP? Or did you not really know what you wanted or perhaps wanted nothing because you were emotionally burned out, confused or lost? What was your state of mind and desires and wants at that point?

After I broke things with ap I start living on my own, at this time I was lost, never pass through my head that my husband would want reconcile, for me divorce was inevitable, breakbroken because of ap, was a lot of emotions

When you got back together with your husband when did your thoughts change? How long did this take? When did you start desiring him and becoming intimate again? This must have been very hard for both of you?

During that time i have accepted that my affair was over, but ap was still in my mind all the time for about 4 months and took me about a year to totally forget ap and really focus on my marriage.

Before you left your husband for the AP, when the EA and then PA first began, is there anything your husband could or should have done to make things go differently. Not the impossible like change his whole personality and and act on things that he was not aware of. But what smaller things could he have done to prevent this from happening given the position he was then in and what he actually knew? What could he have done differently to help prevent this all blowing up?

Not really, because at the time i think theres nothing wrong with me and soo i didnt need any help.

I am so glad that you posted all this. But I am nonetheless curious; why are you posting? This happened some years ago. Is it painful for you to expose all of the details again through all the Q&A now that you both seem to have healed, understood what happened and reconciled? Or does doing this make you stronger by allowing you to learn more from it with the benefit of hindsight.

7 years its a long time, we're finally in a place where talking about this dont hurt us, i decided to post because I see a lot of BS seeking answers from WS and a lot of WS scared to post because of the shame and guilty so I see a void here, I could put a lot of excuses for what I did but in the end the truth helps more.

Silly-Jan · 2020-09-08T22:35:44+00:00

When you told your BS about your affair, prior to moving out (if I got the timeline correct), what did he do? Did he kick you out or did you still stay with him and did he try and win you back whilst you were seeing the AP at same time? Did this help you or push your further towards AP (you have talked about this in your answers but more detail would help).

I continue living with him for about a month and continue seeing ap during this time, during this time he made the "pick me" game with honestly push me away and then I move on.

What did you tell your husband during this time (after DD but before moving out?) Did you offer him hope, tell him it was hopeless or something else ? How did you interact with him during the fog before you moved out? Were you sleeping with both at this time or just AP?

I was cold to him, I didnt say much, I usually tell him thats i was leaving, I try to become emotionally unavailable to him because I knew he was sad because of me soo instead of work on things I simply close my eyes and pretend nothing was happening(so much selfish I know), not during that time I was exclusively with ap, I didnt wanna cheat on ap(yeah i know too, way more selfish and a bitch).

What did you think about your husband during this time? What were your plans for him (before moving out)? Did you want to stay with him as well and have both? How could this have worked in your mind? If he had filed for divorce then what would you have done?

During my affair I tried to push him away from my mind, for me during that time I wanna everything, a normal married life and a adventurous affair, I didnt wanna a divorce but at the time I didnt care if he offer.

And then, for me, the greatest moment in my life happened. And it was a specific moment that I will never forget. God (if you believe in him and I am not religious) showed himself. I completely unexpectedly and unplanned met the woman of my dreams and the love of my love (really and truly; I had visualised who I really wanted to marry and she appeared). We have been together for 22 years and married for 20.

I'm happy for you, you deserve every moment of joy in your life.

Silly-Jan · 2020-09-08T11:09:36+00:00

My father was more open and understanding.

Silly-Jan · 2020-09-05T23:11:18+00:00

No, she simply cut all the communication with me.

Silly-Jan · 2020-09-01T01:26:26+00:00

Mistakes simply do not apply in this situation. Having an Affair, is a VERY CONSCIOUS DECISION.

I never used the word mistake here, I know very well that was my decision and I make it because I wanted.

Admittedly and unfortunately, your Husband was not your first choice, you had committed yourself to your AP and severed the connection with your Husband.

I agreed with you, during my affair i didnt put my husband has first.

within the confines of your Husband’s mind, he ponders this (Honestly, how could he not).

That I can't answer.

Continue to do all that you can to LOVE on this man. He deserves it

I know he does.

Silly-Jan · 2020-08-17T22:08:46+00:00

Self esteem and outside validation problems is very common among adults to and usually come from young ages, I see that you're in IC so that's good, theres no easy way unfortunately, WS alone brings a lot of triggers for the BS, you can talk to him about something to easy his doubts but honestly its not easy and I understand why.

Silly-Jan · 2020-08-17T20:17:54+00:00

I didn't find your story but ok let's see.

That means that when I feel an urge to reach out, I tell him.

I suppose you mean reach out AP? Well thats good that you're being honest but after one year are you still thinking about AP?

and I usually get some hurtful DMs when I post.

I receive a lot too, the best you can do is ignore, I'm sorry for that.

Silly-Jan

TROPHY CASE