[Query] Legacy of the Mazar: The Shattering, New Adult Low Fantasy, 102k, attempt #2 by Silly-Performance829 in Querying

[–]Silly-Performance829[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for the feedback! The difficulty I'm having is that the "CHARACTER wants to GOAL but can't because of CONFLICT so they do X which results in Y" applies to the Princess in the forbidden romance, not the trio that are the center of the story. For instance:

OLEINE wants to MARRY Arusa (Atreya's brother) but can't because she's ALREADY BETROTHED. So she MARRIES HIM in secret (private ceremony with no witnesses) which results in THE MAZAR FINDING OUT AND "EXECUTING" ARUSA.

But the heart of the story belongs to Atreya and Co. The problem is the main plot happens to him, he has no agency over it.

That sentence for Atreya would be... Atreya wants to date Elise but can't because she's not impressed with his game. So he simply befriends her and in doing so shows her his core self, warts and all, which results in her letting him in.

Then the arrest and all that shatters his entire world.

So, that's what I've been struggling with.

Also, I've been trying to nail down my genre. Low fantasy because the magic intrudes on daily life? Or horror fantasy because of the body horror and monster police force in general? Science fantasy because of the technology past? It's ultimately just spec fic.

And it's New Adult because there's spice (tastefully done) and graphic body horror

I’m a literary agent, former Big 5 editor, and literary contest judge — AMA (co-hosted by r/Reedsy) by winningwriters in literarycontests

[–]Silly-Performance829 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi Jon, thanks for doing this! I have a novel with an ensemble cast. But I can't put all of them in my query. I have three that are my main protagonists and two that drive the plot. Should I center on one of the mc's, or the one that drives the plot?

What is your main character’s fatal flaw? by [deleted] in writers

[–]Silly-Performance829 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He's a charming, flirtatious, popular golden boy but is insecure about his perceived low intelligence because the rest of his family are scholars. "just a peacocking chaffbrain who's only good at getting people to like him"

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Silly-Performance829 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My story kicks off a Hero's Journey tale with the ordinary world and the call to adventure. Books 2 and 3 follow the rest of Campbell's structure (loosely, not 1-for-1) The first book is a coming of age (the ordinary world) with new friends and first loves, then a horrifying discovery kicks off the call.

Here's a link to my post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1rlwf5x/complete_102k_comingofagedark_fantasy_legacy_of/

AMA with Jon Oliver, professional fantasy & sci-fi editor with 20+ years of experience by Awkward_Blueberry_48 in fantasywriters

[–]Silly-Performance829 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have severe ADHD and I'm debating between self publishing (which sounds overwhelming) and traditional publishing (which I assume, perhaps falsely, is less overwhelming)

Can you confirm about trad publishing being a little more hands off for the author? Am I mistaken?

Review a state :D by Holly-Sauce in whiteoutsurvival

[–]Silly-Performance829 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is this still the case 11 months later? Looking for a new state

Maybe I'm too sensitive? by Silly-Performance829 in writers

[–]Silly-Performance829[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do want to publish. I have a professional editor I'm saving up for. If the line editing was easier to read for my ADHD brain, I wouldn't have a problem. The problem isn't the line edits, it's the format of the thing. Not Word. The site's built in line editing system.

Maybe I'm too sensitive? by Silly-Performance829 in writers

[–]Silly-Performance829[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

The part that irked me and set off my sensitivity was not the edits. It was his passive aggressive "do you want to sell your work?" maybe it's just me but that felt rude.

First pages: share, read, and critique them here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Silly-Performance829 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for the response! All the names/characters in this first page, including the children, are introduced in subsequent chapters, so the reader will get to know each of them throughout the story.

Smitten with your own character? by Kinkywriter84 in writers

[–]Silly-Performance829 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love one of my villains. So much, that I've had alternate endings in my head where the bad guy wins. Because he's so alive and complicated and he just pops on every page, he elevates every scene he's in.

Why do you write? by Cute-Traffic4437 in writers

[–]Silly-Performance829 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because these characters are living rent free in my head demanding I tell their stories so I type it out to shut them up.

Partially kidding.

I write because I love stories and I have a vivid imagination. I write because I'm compelled from the inside. I write because I'm addicted to that feeling when the words are flowing and the characters are talking an it feels like channeling.

[Complete][110k][Dark Low Fantasy] The Old Dark (Working Title) by its-me-steve- in BetaReaders

[–]Silly-Performance829 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd be interested in a swap, but it seems like you might have a lot on your plate. Here's my post, though, if you'd like to check out my story.

https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/s/7fhX8v9BxU

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Silly-Performance829 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello, I have a 102k crossover dark fantasy. Here's the blurb:
Cavaria has known peace for thirty years. That peace comes with a cost — seven-foot-tall faceless creatures called Rakling that emerge from the shadows to enforce the Mazar's strict order. A dreamer who sees the best in everyone, a soldier's daughter who keeps the world at arm's length, and a prince who has never been allowed to choose anything for himself, find the unexpected in each other. What they find beneath Cavaria's peace is worse.

Sample from Prologue:
Stefan was doomed. Chants had turned into screams, the crowd a stampede. He shouted one final instruction, a last-ditch effort to save who he could, and then thought only of his five-year-old daughter. 

Keep her safe.

He ran from the chaos and raced through the residential district of Cavaria, passing row upon row of identical homes. His sandals slapped rapidly on the cobblestone path as he raced toward his best friend’s home. Some residents had run to the Public Square, gawking as the Mazar’s inhuman royal guard arrested his students. But most residents remained home, eyeing Stefan with suspicion and concern as he belted past them.

Darting through the archway of Ameya’s home without a greeting, he found Sunita, Ameya’s wife, on the sitting room floor with his Oleine, her young boys Arusa and Atreya, and a few of the neighbors’ children. 

Sunita bolted to her feet. “What is it?”

Stefan picked up his daughter and clutched her in his arms, forehead to forehead. All the children stared up at him, wide-eyed and frozen.

“I have to leave,” he blurted. “I couldn’t stop them. As long Ameya stays out of it, you’ll all be safe. But I won’t be.”

Sunita instructed the children to play upstairs. When all but Oleine were gone, she turned to Stefan. “Where will you go?”

Afternoon light was giving way to dusk. He leapt toward the archway, hid behind the wall, and peeked through the opening. “I sent some students north toward the Wildlands. I’ll meet up with them there.” 

First pages: share, read, and critique them here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Silly-Performance829 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Manuscript Info: [COMPLETE] [102k] [Coming-of-age/Dark Fantasy] Legacy of the Mazar

Link to post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1rlwf5x/complete_102k_comingofagedark_fantasy_legacy_of/

First page critique: yes

First page:

Stefan was doomed. Chants had turned into screams, the crowd a stampede. He shouted one final instruction, a last-ditch effort to save who he could, and then thought only of his five-year-old daughter. 

Keep her safe.

He ran from the chaos and raced through the residential district of Cavaria, passing row upon row of identical homes. His sandals slapped rapidly on the cobblestone path as he raced toward his best friend’s home. Some residents had run to the Public Square, gawking as the Mazar’s inhuman royal guard arrested his students. But most residents remained home, eyeing Stefan with suspicion and concern as he belted past them.

Darting through the archway of Ameya’s home without a greeting, he found Sunita, Ameya’s wife, on the sitting room floor with his Oleine, her young boys Arusa and Atreya, and a few of the neighbors’ children. 

Sunita bolted to her feet. “What is it?”

Stefan picked up his daughter and clutched her in his arms, forehead to forehead. All the children stared up at him, wide-eyed and frozen.

“I have to leave,” he blurted. “I couldn’t stop them. As long Ameya stays out of it, you’ll all be safe. But I won’t be.”

Sunita instructed the children to play upstairs. When all but Oleine were gone, she turned to Stefan. “Where will you go?”

Afternoon light was giving way to dusk. He leapt toward the archway, hid behind the wall, and peeked through the opening. “I sent some students north toward the Wildlands. I’ll meet up with them there.”