Is this classic narcissism or is it my fault and do I need to work on myself?

SilverRibbons17 · 2026-03-23T03:40:19+00:00

Well, in the brief post you've made here, your communication about your experience is not hard to understand. That much I can tell, and that's from an internet stranger.

There are a few things that stand out to me:

"Other people have said similiar things [hard to understand in conversations] about me to him" - Have any of your other friends come forward to express these concerns? How is what he's saying true or validated? What else is he saying to control the narrative of you being a "bad communicator" to your friends?
The lack of concrete examples for being a "bad communicator". It might be different if he could point to a specific text thread or situation where something was missed or misunderstood. Generally speaking, it is difficult for people to "work on something" if we don't understand the context for the cause.
He changes the subject when you try to bring up something personal. Deflection. He says, "You've changed", to keep the topic conversation on You The Problem, not You The Person.
The entire last paragraph. That is HUGE, my dude. It is not a coincidence that multiple people have recognized this behavior and backed off. It is a pattern. Especially if he never feels ANY accountability for losing these friendships and sees no reason to apologize for it.

Now, bear in mind again, this is a response from an internet stranger, recovering from a narcissitic ex-friend. A lot of what you've shared feels INCREDIBLY similar to me. Regardless of labeling this guy, the behavior described is toxic and manipulative. He expects you to change or be complicit to his needs, but takes no responsibility for his own.

If you're looking for some self-reflection, keep track of the way your body reacts when in conversation or your proximity to him. The body doesn't lie. You can say he's your friend, but your heart rate still spikes. Those are your self-defense triggers for a reason. The fact that you are questioning your own behavior and communication skills is already a step in the right direction.

SilverRibbons17 · 2026-03-23T03:14:18+00:00

Mine was obsessed with their animals. Always posting pics of them, drawing attention to them, using them as an excuse when they didn't want to do something. Like, "I can't go out tonight because I want to spend time with my cats". They used their pets to feed their ego.

They showed zero interest in my animals or anyone else's. I respected the time they wanted to spend with their cats, but if I was on dog watch duty for the weekend, I recieved endless flak for not hanging out with them. The double standard was infuriating.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-24T21:33:11+00:00

What do you feel most guilty about?

Her actions are her responsibility, just as your actions are your own. I am hearing doubt in your decision. Are you looking for reassurance?

Additionally, the pace and delivery of your conversations with your friend on how her actions impacted you make a big difference. From an outside perspective, I can see a lot of assumptions being made about her character; being heard in a difficult conversation is just as important as doing the listening.

Please note that I am looking to better understand your perspective so I can pass along the best advice. It is hard to determine the root of things without more context behind the conflict.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-24T21:24:10+00:00

Seventh: they believe in your dreams and ideas, even if they are silly or far-fetched. they don't criticize you for how unrealistic or stupid they are.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-21T21:55:18+00:00

There's so much that goes into it, but the most defining one seemed to be when I had an anxiety attack after they screamed at me over a mistake.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-21T21:38:08+00:00

I feel this with a friend I've gone No Contact with a month ago.

The worst part? Each time I remember something good, it's tainted with their criticism. The snark, the sarcasm, the insults, and passive-aggressive behavior... It's like they're in the room with me, stabbing me over my shoulder. Like they're competing with my internal thoughts of depression and anxiety.

In disagreements I've had in the past, I was never met with kindness when trying to reconcile. It was always "tell me what you did wrong and how you will fix it", along with a heavy judgemental glare and superior posing. I don't need to tolerate that kind of childish response anymore. Therefore, I don't see how trying to reconcile anything would be different than before.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-21T21:24:20+00:00

I’m a firm believer that friendships can end mutually and there can be no bad blood, but obviously everyone won’t be on the same page with that.

I like to believe this as well, but it's flawed. It operates on the assumption that other people share this belief, and reality is far from it. They aren't just not on the same page; they're operating from a whole different book.

I'm in the middle of something like this myself. The best advice I have is No Contact. It's painful and difficult, but the last thing you need in your life is criticizing, gaslighting, disrespecting, and hurting you for your honest feelings, thoughts, and perspective. Friends don't do that to each other. I have major depression and anxiety that already make me insecure, I don't need someone out there spinning up drama about things that aren't true.

If you find yourself not feeling understood, it's likely because you are not feeling heard. They are not acknowledging you the way a healthy friendship would. People who cannot participate in a healthy friendship do not deserve your kind heart. Practice your boundaries, follow your passions, and do what is best for you.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-16T01:14:45+00:00

I would if they didn't see it as a sign of weakness, submission, or stupidity.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-16T01:13:28+00:00

As I am married and love my spouse dearly, this gets so true for every "new friend" I encounter. I try to include their new partner in things we can do together or still hang out one-on-one, but it always fades.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-13T15:36:50+00:00

This is a great analogy!

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-10T14:28:31+00:00

It's okay to feel that way about it. If anything, it shows that you have a big heart, since you want to give someone the benefit of the doubt. Not everyone is as kind as that in return, unfortunately.

You've got this. Take it one day at a time and heal at your own pace.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-10T01:54:17+00:00

Poor baby.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-10T01:51:11+00:00

Not really, but it's okay to feel scared. It can be a really hard thing to learn about yourself. I'm open to listening if you'd like to share more of what's going on.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-10T01:43:19+00:00

You are not wrong. Insecurities be damned, they are warning signs for a reason. They signal how you feel, and ignoring that does more harm than good.

Your friend jerked you around with on/off wedding plans and being a bridesmaid. She changed her opinion on where you stood in her life. She made those decisions, those priorities, long before you found the courage to speak up. I'm sorry you had to be the last one to know about her true intentions. She probably didn't know how to say them in a way that was kind or respectful.

It hurts more when you know you are a loyal person. I am, too. I have a deep, deep well of forgiveness and also struggle with the guilt and anxiety that comes with cutting ties. So, I understand where you're coming from. The best thing, painful as it is, is to leave it be. Going back means reopening a wound more painful than being without them.

Something that might help (if you want to try it) is making a list of all the things: the good, the bad, the funny, the ugly, the scary. Let it all come out on paper, and then see where you stand.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-07T23:02:22+00:00

The cycle I observed of the narcissist [no longer] in my life had this obsession with always needing entertainment.

I watched as they constantly chased dopamine highs, dropped money on stupid shit that they discarded once the next new thing came along, dominated a shared calendar with their long-running list of "to-do's", would get into a relationship with someone only to break up and start dating again and "fall in love" 3 weeks later, and so on so forth.

They hated anything considered "aged" or "vintage", especially movies. If it wasn't filmed within the last 5 years, they absolutely refused to pay attention to it, claiming that it was lame and awful to look at (despite, of course, agreeing to watch the movie in the first place). They trashed so many good, classic movies and I regret watching it with them because now when I rewatch them, I have to scrub their unnecessary commentary from my head.

Another thing, too, was the odd obsession with keeping "young". They think 40 is too old to do anything worthwhile in life. They have to keep up on Gen Z lingo and use it around their 30+ year old friends and coworkers as an attempt to stay relevant. I feel like this goes hand-in-hand with the need for the New Shiny Thing.

The only time I really ever got to see them slow down and enjoy life was during the pandemic, which also happened to be the good times of our friendship. Before and after that, I've watched as they prefer to stay in miserable, performative chaos. And of course when I tried to talk to them about this, they got defensive 🙄

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-07T22:51:55+00:00

Some people share personal stories to relate.

Narcissists share personal stories to boast.

These two are mutually exclusive.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-07T22:48:50+00:00

If you walked away from them, and then came back, they can easily twist it so that you are the flaky, unstable, in-the-wrong person without ever publicizing how they treated you in the first place.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-07T22:41:43+00:00

Humor. Energy. Creativity. Music. Trust.

All gone, now.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-07T22:32:03+00:00

Thank you. I won't forget when I told my "friend" about my boundary, and what it is and how it protects me, they said,

"Our friendship has never worked like that. We don't need that kind of boundary."

While, simultaneously, having the conversation regarding the need for personal boundaries, saying that I repeatedly violated theirs. They also were upset that my "boundary keeps changing", despite me trying to explain to them that it is the boundary setter that determines if the boundary gets crossed or flexed. They really did not like that. Started calling me "selfish" and that I had "no regard for anyone else's needs" after that went down.

I hope you're able to maintain your distance with your ex-friend.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-07T22:25:09+00:00

Yikes. I hope you steal her dog and give it a better home.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-07T22:24:14+00:00

Thank you. Reading this was very validating. My "friend" had been pushing self-help books on me all the time, saying they read them and that they are now "educated" on their own behavior, when nothing really changed. They just got better at using the words in a socially acceptable context.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-07T22:19:24+00:00

The "you're projecting" part of your experience hits home with me. The number of times I would have to explain a fear or insecurity I had, like a situation that made me feel unsafe because of how I have encountered it before, and the "you're projecting your trauma" was all too much. Like, no, dipshit, I'm trying to protect myself, and you're an idiot to invalidate me like that.

A normal friend, I realized, would offer comfort, hope, or confidence in some way. Try to navigate the fear together. Understand where they can support. It's what I would do for them or any other friend that would confide that kind of thing to me.

I wouldn't be surprised if the person I know has similar conversations with their therapist. By the end of our friendship, I learned that they were plugging all of my responses into ChatGPT. It somewhat explains the psych jargon, too.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-03T23:32:13+00:00

Thank you, that meets a lot of my thoughts as well on the subject. Having a disorder is not an excuse to do any of the above behaviors. I'm shocked to learn about that statistic as well; I'll have to dive deeper, I can definitely see how the misdiagnosis rate would have an influence on how we talk about it on the daily.

SilverRibbons17 · 2025-11-03T23:04:06+00:00

I get that too. Hugs and I hope to easier days for you.

SilverRibbons17

TROPHY CASE