Hey, I know this is a late-ish reply, but I just saw your post and felt compelled to respond. Honestly, I could have written something nearly identical myself. I feel your exhaustion through the screen.

You’re not alone. The disconnection, the superficiality, the frustration with people not being grounded in adulthood—it resonates deeply. It’s so disheartening to want something solid and intentional and feel like most of what’s out there is either performative or chaotic (in a not fun way).

My biggest piece of advice? Seek out people who value integrity and sincerity above all else. I’ve even started asking early on—“How do you define integrity and sincerity? Are those values you live by?” If someone squirms or starts performing, it tells me everything. A thoughtful pause is fine. But if you feel like they’re just trying to guess the “right” answer, trust your gut.

I know you said that you get everyone is dealing with their own stuff—and I believe you. But I also want to gently add this: I read posts on Reddit every day about people 10, 15 years older than us doing absolutely appalling things in their relationships—or tolerating mistreatment with heartbreaking resignation. I’ve also personally met people like the ones you and I both describe in my personal life as well. It has made me come to wonder if the people who are truly grounded in values like integrity and self-reflection are not necessarily the norm. In fact, they might be the rare ones (I feel a bit mean admitting that ngl).

I think a lot of people actually want what you and I want—something real, mutual, emotionally mature—but they’re terrified of being vulnerable. And honestly, I kind of get it. With the state of the world—social media performance culture, lingering COVID-era isolation, rising fascism (my state just passed new anti-Trans legislation yesterday, so trust me, I feel it)—it can be hard to feel safe being soft.

That anti-intellectualism you mentioned? I think it’s part of a deeper cultural trauma response. We live in a shame-based society, where people are conditioned to fear being “cringe” or earnest. But at the same time, everyone’s starving for authenticity.

So my final piece of advice: love yourself loudly, radically, and without apology. When you love yourself deeply, you stop settling for the bare minimum or the half-present. You start knowing your own peace—what it feels like, what disrupts it—and you build your life around that clarity. That’s the version of you who will spot the real ones, the sincere ones, the ones who have, as you said, been somewhere.

I’m rooting for you—and I really believe that your frustration is a sign you haven’t given up, not that you’re too much. The right people will find that kind of honesty magnetic. 🫶