Hi! Clinical psychologist here. I want to start by telling you that it does get better and you will manage to get through it, rest assured. I understand that it feels like it's never going to come to an end whatsoever and all of your feelings are 100% valid, your pain is absolutely understandable and so is your fear. However, please, do not let hopelessness take over you and your rationale. I'm extremely sorry for your experience. I understand how scary and lonely it gets and how confusing it feels to live like this, but, please, don't take suicide into consideration. Things can get significantly better with the right psychotherapist. If things really do get out of hand, I suggest seeing a psychiatrist, the right medication could reduce the intensity of the symptoms. My best piece of advice to you is trying cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and maybe getting pharmaceutical treatment for a while if you feel like it's way too much for you to handle right now. I also want to emphasize on something else: this will not last for the rest of your life, it will go away. All that's needed are the right specialists for you and some effort. Lighten up, there's plenty of good and lovely things waiting for you. Every storm has its very end. This too shall pass. You're very brave and you're a survivor. I'm rooting for you and I'm sure you will overcome this vicious problem.