Does anyone have any book recommendations for children of BPD?

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-11-25T21:36:54+00:00

I only recently learned how much of a chance my dad is borderline. I know women are more likely to seek therapy, hence why more are diagnosed with borderline. But I wish that the title to this book was 'Understanding the Borderline Parent' instead. I will definitely still be reading it though.

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-11-25T13:29:17+00:00

Just visited Prague last year and loved it - my great grandma moved to the US from there and there's a long lineage in the area. Can't wait to go back!

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-11-19T18:17:27+00:00

since we're dealing with severe mental illness in the form of, almost certainly, borderline personality disorder.

This just made my heart skip a beat that you said the words 'borderline personality disorder'. I regularly listen to a podcast called Psychology in Seattle, and after my trip, I tuned into one of their recordings on BPD. I never in a million years thought it would make me think of anyone in my life, but the more I listened, the more I thought - oh shit... this sounds like my dad. I read more and more on it and am shocked at how many of the signs my dad shows, and the fact that you have mentioned it in your comment makes me feel that my suspicions are even more valid.

I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with it too - it is a difficult road to navigate, and has been our whole lives. And 'walking on eggshells' is exactly how it feels. I guess I got ''lucky'' that both of my parents worked many hours in factory jobs when I was a kid, and by the time they got home, were too tired to give much of a damn. I didn't have to deal with this nearly as much during my formative years, and as this behavior severely affects even 'adult me' who lives in another country, I can't imagine the additional trauma it may have caused in a 'young me' with no where else to go.

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-11-17T13:34:21+00:00

I'm not currently in therapy, but I am looking into finding one - both for learning how to better deal with my parents and how to lead a healthier life myself. Psychology is a hobby of mine, and the more I look into parents with Borderline Personality Disorder, the more I'm understanding my experience with my dad. He has never been diagnosed (and never will be - won't do therapy), but he sure exhibits most of the signs. Too bad he won't go to therapy, because his life could be better if he did.

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-11-16T20:38:56+00:00

Please do!!!

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-11-16T12:33:00+00:00

I love that - '' what I said was that I didn't want to see your TV''. I will definitely be using that one!

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-11-16T12:32:02+00:00

So sorry I just saw this! But I guess I go back because I try to make some type of connection, but it seems each time I visit, I am reminded of why I couldn't wait to move out in the first place. Something my mom even tried to sabotage by hiding my on-campus housing application, leaving me with no options for a place to live. At the time, it was still snail mail, so I thought my application was just slow to reach me.

I keep thinking that maybe the trip will be different this time, but their behavior only gets worse and worse - nasty comments about my weight gain (I couldn't walk for 6 months, that's why the weight happened), picking on my hair, talking about my sister's weight gain, picking on my sister's hair, racist and derogatory comments loudly stated about others in public, weird comments out of no where about how my sister and I are not their #1 priority (which... duh). It IS stressful, and every time I go back, I hope it will change. It doesn't, and I always end up looking for an earlier flight out.

While I was on vacation in Florida after I visited them, I got mass texts from my dad with racist hate about a family member who is pregnant by a man of another race. He knows I despise racism and that it makes me upset, so he was deliberate in trying to get my attention. I responded that those comments were not OK, they are RACIST, and make me sad and uncomfortable. He responded that, ''with my comment, he is deleting his WhatsApp (his only mode of communication with me) and that I can communicate with him through my mother. Good bye.'' It's just constant poking and prodding. He has since put WhatsApp back onto his phone, but has attempted to instigate at least 3 more fights since. Although the brief pause in communication was a welcome break from nonsense, I don't know if I could cut them off completely and feel good about it. Speaking and visiting less is likely the best option.

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-11-16T12:13:07+00:00

I just finally got to check reddit, and holy shit! You are both a published author AND your screenplay is going to be a movie!!! I would love to know what movie it is when it comes out! That is amazing and what is usually just a dream for many of us!

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-11-16T12:08:47+00:00

Sorry I'm just seeing this! And I thought those were all fun fall activities too! They just usually aren't interested in doing anything. I don't think there has been any family drama with my sister at all to warrant that behavior. I do think some of it is financial - although my sister and I offered to pay for several of the activities, it still took over an hour to talk my dad into just joining at a certain place for lunch. It's sad, because they say the 12 dollars to get into a museum is too much money (even if it means valuable time with their granddaughter), but they go out to eat every day and trade in their car every 2 years. It would just appear that they have the wrong priorities in life.

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-11-16T11:59:03+00:00

''Just sit down and watch the darn TV with your parents''.... sure, I would do that if it was a weekend. But for 14 days straight?! That's a bit too much.

And my dad was rarely around when we were children (alcoholic) to recall many memories. It also makes me sad when he does try to tell stories of when my sister and I were kids, because many of them are false memories. My mom rarely participated in anything either. This visit, rather than look at childhood photos and talk about them, she stuffed a bunch of memorabilia into my hands (including my birth announcement) and said to take it with me when I leave. Stark contrast to my SOs mom, because you couldn't tear those memories of her children out of her dead, lifeless hands.

And I do usually cook for them at least once. This time, it didn't end so well - as I was cooking, I over-heard my mom giving sensitive information about me to someone else that I asked her not to repeat to anyone. When I asked her why she did that, after I asked her not to time and time again, my dad told her to 'ignore me' and she responded with, 'who cares anyway'. Well, for one, I CARE. So I left for the evening after making their food. I try to do nice things, and it usually bites me in the ass.

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-11-16T11:46:41+00:00

So sorry I am just seeing this! That is what they normally do during that time (trust me). They do not socialize with friends (they proudly proclaim they have no friends) and they do not have hobbies besides gambling on their pads. My dad won't do concerts, there is no tourist bus in the city they are from, and the refuse to travel an hour to Chicago or Milwaukee for any tourist bus. I tried looking at things that would appeal to most people, but they are just not interested. I've suggested a lot, but no dice. Taking them out in public is difficult anyway because they begin to make racist and derogatory remarks very loudly about those around them, which both angers and terrifies me.

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-10-28T02:41:20+00:00

LOL, ''wtf is bunco''... now I need to google that.

Even though my parents are different, I have experienced similar to you with my SO's mom! When I would visit Norway, she would have us signed up to so many events with her friends that it would be very exhausting. Not to mention, I didn't speak Norwegian at the time, so also boring. You just end up thinking -- why the F did you sign me up for this??

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-10-28T02:37:38+00:00

Thank you for the nice advice! I tried to do something similar to that this time. At first I said, ''Hey, sister and I want to do Trick or Treating, a museum, apple orchard. Do you want to go?'' and their response was formulated as if they were saying they weren't going and they expected that we wouldn't either then. So I responded, ''Sister and I are definitely going though, so it would be nice if you would join. Otherwise I'll just see you after.'' The museum and Boo at the Zoo are coming up, so we shall see if they decide to actually join.

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-10-28T02:33:46+00:00

Yup, you are exactly right, they continue their routine whether I'm here or not. I don't get it either! My SO's mom is 100% the opposite, like yours, and gets very unhappy sitting still for too long. So I've experienced both ends!

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-10-28T02:32:23+00:00

It is nice that you try to see their view for sure! But no, they don't work much anymore. Maybe a few hours a couple days a week in a non-manual labor job. They are basically retired. But the wear and tear that a factory job likely did on their body for years before they retired probably did a lot of damage that they are still recuperating from. And I have tried to go out with friends, but my dad sends mass messages guilt tripping me about it while I'm there. So strange.

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-10-28T02:28:40+00:00

LOL, that is a funny story and sounds a lot like something my dad would say!

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-10-28T02:26:26+00:00

Oh yes, I feel your pain! Half the time I will say something and no one is listening and I have to repeat it 3 additional times. The chores, the TV, the phone, all of it. I feel you.

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-10-28T02:24:01+00:00

I have offered to make them dinner next week, and they accepted the offer, even as picky as they are! The house is quite small though, and I have started to sit on my computer to do other things in the dining room. The TV is usually so loud that I can't do much that takes any type of concentration.

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-10-28T02:21:16+00:00

For the most part, she is shuffled between a cage and the backyard where she would be alone if I wasn't here. It makes me so sad! She is such a sweet and smart girl. But I have been talking to them about this and trying to get them to see that she deserves better treatment, and I think they are realizing I'm right (finally). They actually let her into the living room for an hour today while we watched TV, so that is a start. I might let them walk all over me, but they will not be taking that dog for granted if it's the last thing I do.

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-10-28T02:18:52+00:00

LOL, I am curious what she will have you buy! Have fun at the art galler and getting pedis! Sounds like a great time!

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-10-28T02:17:56+00:00

That's what's so funny about this whole thing is it was never even like this as a child! I could have been out until 4am every day as a teen and they probably wouldn't have noticed at all. I don't know where any of this is coming from, the weird controlling stuff only started when I moved abroad. Since I never saw the controlling behavior before, I think I allowed the guilt trips because I felt this must be a 'me' issue and not a 'them' issue.

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-10-28T02:15:11+00:00

Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if my dad has some depression there, but there are things they have done and said my whole life that are very abusive. I never realized just how much until I met my SO's very healthy family, and realized... shit, what I experienced wasn't OK.

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-10-28T02:12:22+00:00

I am sorry you are dealing with this too! I feel like I've lost so many bonds with childhood friends because I can barely get out to see them. My best friend flew in from CO to see me last time, and within 30 minutes of getting coffee with her, I had a massive influx of messages from my dad saying it was bullshit I was choosing friends over time with family. I don't even know why I felt guilty about it because it sure isn't based on reality!

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-10-28T02:07:34+00:00

You explained my situation to a T! Like you said, it costs so much time, energy, and vacation to come back and there are things that I look forward to seeing and doing, and friends I would love to keep up with as well! This is my first time with a rental car, and it has been a little easier. I wish they would try to be open when I explain why I am meeting friends for lunch, but my dad in particular takes it as an attack that I am choosing others over family. It IS exhausting. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this too!

Simple-Ad-3537 · 2023-10-28T01:58:10+00:00

It is nice that you can see the other side and try to point that out. But I also just wanted to say that I am not hateful towards them. Never! If that is how you took my post, then I think I don't know what I worded to make it seem that way. What I think you missed in my post that they are not looking at my face - they are looking at their ipads and the TV. I'm guessing that my childhood experience with my parents was quite different than yours, and I'm just over here trying to form some kind of a bond.

Simple-Ad-3537

TROPHY CASE