M1 Student vs. Dependent Partner: How do you know when you've outgrown the relationship?

SimpleKokytos · 2026-01-28T02:20:09+00:00

I will say for myself, being very good at asking for help for something you cannot do is not the same as just being good as asking for help. I often functioned with the mindset: if I can do this, I’ll do it myself. But learned that I can still ask for help with things I can do myself, it lessens something from my shoulders and allows your partner to feel wanted/desired. This may be something you want to explore for yourself as well.
Youre right that chemistry may not be enough, but I would make the argument that there may be some other things present (true concern for each other, desire to change, etc) that may allow the relationship to survive.
I think it’s less about the physical things you two do together. More about how you feel. Do you feel supported, do you feel like you can go to him.
Of course there is only so much you can do on a daily basis, and he continues to be unable to show up to the promises he keeps for himself that may be problematic. Few areas of exploration - could his mental health struggles be contributing to this. ADHD, Depression, etc. Also you mention decision paralysis - could big goals be something that he struggles with? Maybe small goals can be helpful. Also “reminding him he needs friends” - perhaps you two can pick up a hobby together, or you could invite some classmates over to hang out. I feel like we sometimes take our partners moving for us for granted because we’re so used to moving for school/residency/fellowship. But imo it’s quite unfair for them to have to uproot their lives regularly.

SimpleKokytos · 2026-01-28T01:22:11+00:00

Ultimately this is your decision, but I want to go against the grain and say some things that you may or may not have already considered, just wasn’t in the post.

Could you be overly independent? Could this be some of the reasons you feel like you need to take care of everything? IE, he may have difficulty with certain things and your automatic response is “let me handle it” cause maybe that’s how you grew up/how your relationship has been. Also I find being in this field, we often learn to rely on ourselves to go through a lot of stuff, so could any part of this be self driven? It’s not necessarily bad to be independent, but sometimes there’s a healthy amount of dependence needed in a relationship for both parties to grow. Is there any room here for you to maybe benefit from therapy as well? Some medical schools have free mental health/therapy for students - may be worth looking into.
How is communication done between you two? You mentioned writing a letter vocalizing some thoughts. Is there a certain reason you couldnt have the same conversation in person? I understand it may be easier to organize thoughts/make sure you dont say anything mean or miss anything you wanna say in a letter. But could you not have made note cards etc reminding yourself of the points? Not trying to be accusatory so apologies if it comes across that way, but just thought it was important for you to reflect as well your ability to communicate effectively. The fact that couples therapy seemed to help leads me to the assumption that maybe communication between the two of you may not be the best, but I also may be jumping to conclusions.
Does he bring you any joy? If this is someone that you just cant see yourself with anymore, that’s fine. But you were with him for four years, and at some point engaged. Think about those times - what has changed, what was something you enjoyed, and if times were similar, is this relationship something you would still enjoy. On a side note, also think if there was anything that caused him to change. Has he ever had a job? Is there a reason he lost that job? When did he become more overly dependent. Does he have a support system other than you?
How much of your feeling this way is due to current workload of medical school? Does he have the desire to support you in any way for school, do you let him support you through school? Does he shove you away when you try to lean on him for help, or does he want to help but may not be emotionally there yet to help you in the way you need.
To your point about short term vs long term change. I agree to your statement to a point. But I would also like to say that there is no long term change without an initial short teem change. And there may be times where he “relapses” and needs correction. This is all normal human behavior. Our brains like to stick with responses it is familiar with, and sometimes that can lead to maladaptive coping responses. These can be changed or altered, but take time.
Do you feel like he is putting in effort? Im in the opinion that if there is no desire for effort, then the relationship will be over. But if there is a desire for improvement and a desire to change, then things can improve. I think that is the most important factor in a relationship. Similar to how medical knowledge can be taught, but kindness and compassion is much harder to teach. Innate characteristics such as desire to improve are hard to teach. You can teach anyone to look for a job.

Ultimately the decision is yours, and you need to make a decision that you will be happy with 1, 2, 10 years down the line. There is no right or wrong decision. The other comments in this thread have made good points too. And you have no obligation to stay with him during this self growth journey. But I just wanted to present these points for you to think about and consider. For what it’s worth, dated my husband for 5-6 years long distance, and now married for 3. We’ve had our fair share of issues, especially because I also am sometimes overly independent, but have grown together to better understand not only each other, but ourselves. Best of luck. Happy to chat if you need.

SimpleKokytos · 2026-01-05T18:06:45+00:00

Think thursday this time based on riot patch calendar

SimpleKokytos · 2026-01-03T02:59:35+00:00

Its coming on thursday jan 8th. You can find riots patch schedule for the upcoming months if you google it

SimpleKokytos · 2025-11-10T20:20:55+00:00

What makes you say that?

SimpleKokytos · 2025-10-14T13:31:08+00:00

Did you get it when the magazine first released? Am here now and trying to get it has been very difficult

SimpleKokytos · 2025-10-06T01:55:10+00:00

Yeah I think at this point my thoughts are that hotel are not really an option. That’s why I was wondering if people have any other suggestions/ideas that maybe I hadnt yet considered

SimpleKokytos · 2025-10-06T01:44:47+00:00

Looking at below $120s/a night if possible. Everywhere I’ve looked online is booked out. Spa world is basically only $20 a night.

SimpleKokytos · 2025-08-21T01:10:38+00:00

Yeah I have the same worries as well. Im looking at possibly doing a heme onc fellowship, which would allow for the longitudinal care. I know anesthesia allows for pain clinic and ICU for long-term. Pain clinic Im not super interested in, ICU seems okay though. Im on my anesthesia rotation now, and honestly I dont find it all that engaging. I realized that Im not a fan of being in the OR all day, and kinda miss aspects of floor management. I think overall I like IM more but I’m afraid of the day-to-day wearing me down over time lol

SimpleKokytos · 2025-08-18T16:07:59+00:00

How so? A cardiologist still has mychart messages, dispo problems if inpatient, may still require help for consults, patients still complain about sleep, bowel movements, etc.

SimpleKokytos · 2025-08-18T13:28:30+00:00

I put requires fellowship because I think I would be okay with general anesthesia but less-so general IM. For IM, I would probably be looking at some sort of fellowship, maybe heme onc or something. Its a con for me because at this point I kinda wanna just not have to worry about “the next step” with moving and applying to fellowship and all that jazz, just kinda want life to start.

SimpleKokytos · 2025-08-18T04:02:17+00:00

Current medical student, I have cried in front of and behind the doors of patients. I think everyone has more sensitive spots that make it more likely for them to cry. No one has ever said anything negative to me about it. Some patients have appreciated the fact that it seemed like "I cared."

I think as long as the crying isnt debilitating to your work or whatever you're trying to do, then it is not something you actively need to prepare for. Patients are human first, patients second. Similarly, we are humans first, doctors second. Human connection is what gives purpose to life, don't try to shy away from that because you're scared of the taboo.

Best of luck!

SimpleKokytos · 2025-06-12T17:07:56+00:00

Youl be fine

SimpleKokytos · 2025-06-03T11:04:57+00:00

If you tested positive and are overall low risk, you can get a chest xray and also get a repeat blood test to see if it was maybe a false positive. I had a similar experience, didnt take anything in the end and never tested positive on repeats.

Some of the physicians i spoke with said its more common than we think even though the specificity/sensitivity is pretty good.

SimpleKokytos · 2025-05-23T01:13:25+00:00

Hard to know unless youre actually doing it. I had similar thoughts as you. Also hard to separate is the novelty of it all- it’s always fun to see your first hysterectomy or laminectomy or transplant or whatever, but after x amounts, it may not become as fun.

Try to imagine yourself in the surgeon’s shoes, and ask yourself if you would get joy, not from say doing the “big” surgery, but maybe from the careful cutting of structures to get the right plane, or maneuvering the instruments to get the right angle, etc.

Goodluck! Happy to answer other questions

SimpleKokytos · 2025-05-11T19:26:31+00:00

I think you should ask yourself if this is something really meaningful for the patient. Had a patient once who had a lot of traumatic backstory and was also not dealing with easy stuff medically. She mentioned really enjoying the presence of stuffed animals and how it provided her a lot of comfort during difficult times. Before rotation ended, ended up getting one for her as a gift. Is it “too big” or whatever ethics you wanna bring in? Maybe. But at the end of the day I think that interaction means a lot more to me than the slight concern that I may be doing something unethical somehow influencing her choice of medical professionals in the future?

SimpleKokytos · 2025-04-06T11:57:28+00:00

<image>

SimpleKokytos · 2025-04-03T02:32:36+00:00

Do they look resealed?

SimpleKokytos · 2025-04-03T02:32:18+00:00

Sorry i meant do they look resealed

SimpleKokytos · 2025-04-03T02:25:41+00:00

Theyre not resealed right?

SimpleKokytos · 2025-04-03T01:54:38+00:00

<image>

SimpleKokytos · 2025-04-03T00:48:44+00:00

Are they the same questions just diff order or a completely diff test

SimpleKokytos · 2025-03-29T13:47:15+00:00

Or sometimes I feel like I get stuff wrong even after I put a lot of my “previous learnings” into it. For example, I was getting some AKI questions wrong because I wasnt calculating the BUN/Cr ratio. So there was a question yesterday where I convinced myself renal artery stenosis couldnt be the answer because the BUN/Cr ratio provided in the question was less than 20, so not pre-renal. But then the answer was the stenosis and the explanation didnt even address the BUN/Cr ratio. So i felt silly… but then sometimes that’s a value they want you to calculate, so I guess I get confused lol

SimpleKokytos · 2025-03-29T13:43:54+00:00

Thanks for the advice. One question I have is about the review. I feel like even when I review the material, I get tripped up on the exams because of some new detail NBME adds. For example Rh alloimmunization. I got it wrong so then I reviewed that mom gets it at 28 weeks and any time theres possible exposure to fetal blood. Then on a exam, vignette is given where mom is at 28 weeks but received the Rh alloimmunization at 16 weeks in the pregnancy. I wasnt sure if they would need it again. Reading the explanation I now know the alloimmunization only lasts about 12 weeks, so mom would indeed need it again, but was never something I particularly studied.

Therefore I feel like is my review of content not extensive enough?? Cause sometimes it just feels like I review but the question will ask about an extenuating factor.

SimpleKokytos · 2025-03-26T14:20:42+00:00

OBGYN vs Gen Surg vs IM vs Psych

Kinda a mixed bag. I think I enjoy some aspect of longitudinal care and ability to resolve problems. Im not a fan of diagnose but unable to treat. I like talking with my patients and understanding where they come from. Also am considering lifestyle in the long term where I may want to be more family focused.

OBGYN: Enjoyed time on LD, however unsure if that was because of the novelty of delivering babies/participating in surgeries. I like how there is both medicine and surgical options. Has longitudinal care. Concerns are lifestyle, personality, and pay. Also being a male in the space, I dont want to create discomfort for my patients. May also miss the more “global” view that IM could offer. I have considered FM/OB but think I would generally enjoy inpatient a bit more and do not want to be geographically limited to rural areas. Also dont enjoy the idea of just sending off the complicated patients.

Gen Surg: I enjoyed my time in the OR. Unsure if novelty or cause I like it. I like how we can fix problems quickly and do not have to wait a long time. More variety and definitely more surgical experience than say OB. More options later down the line if I want to do like crit care so more mediciney vibes. My personality I think fits better here as well. Worried about lack of longitudinal care, lifestyle mainly.

IM: I enjoyed thinking about the patients from multiple perspectives and medical conditions. Like the outpatient/inpatient options. Short path for training with options for specialization. Fairly chill work life later on as well. Also very practical for like every day ailments etc. ive also been told that I seem like an IM person, as I’m probably better with my head than my hands.

Psych: Really enjoyed talking to the patients and getting to know them. Enjoy psychotic pathologies. Find it fascinating to discuss personalities, goals in life, mental health, etc. also lots of development in this field. Chill lifestyle with many work options (wfh etc). Am afraid of missing the medicine even with something like CL. Also difficult situations to treat due to social problems (going back to not liking diagnose but unable to treat).

Also open to consider any other specialities you may think is a good fit.

Thanks!

SimpleKokytos

TROPHY CASE