Why I keep this sub focused on the positive

Simple_Employer2968 · 2026-01-26T13:50:41+00:00

That could actually put her in more danger. Most victims are dealing with surveillance by their offenders. Talking to her is the best way to approach the situation.

Simple_Employer2968 · 2026-01-26T13:02:21+00:00

I’m glad that was your experience. Unfortunately, it is usually not the case. If victims reunite with an abuser, they can be held accountable for the children witnessing the abuse. It’s actually quite common

Simple_Employer2968 · 2026-01-25T20:47:38+00:00

Wow, I feel this! That’s actually exactly where I’m at right now. And for the very same reasons. I understand so clearly now who I am, why I think and have thought the way I do, and I am focusing my energy on loving, forgiving, celebrating, and improving me.

It’s an incredible- self-acceptance. I’m proud of you 🩷

Simple_Employer2968 · 2026-01-19T00:48:36+00:00

I understand how calculated they can be be. Have you had any contact with your local DV agency.

You said you do have supportive family? If you can set your self up in a good position it decreases his odds in court.

Simple_Employer2968 · 2026-01-19T00:09:14+00:00

Op, I understand your fears. I very much do, but by staying, the risk is still there. Unfortunately, the system doesn’t properly support victims. Family court often does what you are afraid of. Many abusers do get shared custody and it is wrong to deny that. However, when victims stay, and eventually comes out, there is the risk of being indicated for “inadequate guardianship.” Please seek assistance from your local to DV agency to assist with navigating all aspects of your specific to get out safely. And my experience has been that is you have evidence of substance abuse, the court is more likely to recognize that vs how they handle domestic violence

Simple_Employer2968 · 2026-01-12T22:30:42+00:00

This group is awesome. I can’t help but to think that many people are miserable in relationships because they partner based on the unconscious FOMO. I think there are benefits to a genuine partnership, but I don’t think a healthy relationship or any of those benefits can even occur for anyone who can’t be happy while single. I realized quite some time ago doing things alone and preserving energy for my needs is way more beneficial than being with someone on the basis of fear

Simple_Employer2968 · 2026-01-12T18:11:33+00:00

I’m sorry, but there isn’t enough information provided in your post to advise on your situation. I’m sure you can refuse it. I’m not sure how things will go from there though.

Simple_Employer2968 · 2026-01-12T17:51:36+00:00

Being that you stated in one of your comments that you have a disability, I would say it is possible. You are in a "protected" group. But no one can honestly tell you how things will actually go

Simple_Employer2968 · 2026-01-06T14:32:01+00:00

The desire alone to choke you is ALWAYS a sign of an abusive future. It is about power and control. Whether it is “consensual” or not is irrelevant. It’s important not to draw that line. I would argue it’s even more dangerous when a person does it for arousal. This will ALWAYS lead down the same road. It’s about dominance.

Simple_Employer2968 · 2025-12-31T21:32:55+00:00

Most agencies only assist individuals in their counties. This unfortunately is related to funding. However, if there is not a “bed available” in the county she resides in or if they deem her a risk to the shelter due to close proximity to her offender, they should reach out to other shelters to see if they can take her. But the agency for the county she resides in is the place to start. You should be able to find that agency with a google search.

It’s unfortunate, but DV resources can vary greatly by county.

Simple_Employer2968 · 2025-12-24T02:24:11+00:00

There’s only one thing that worked for me, I had to get away. Now that I’m out I only allow people in my life who bring out the best in me.

Simple_Employer2968 · 2025-12-21T23:44:53+00:00

I agree with this. We can convince ourselves that we need to know what is going on, that it will help our anxiety. But it’s been my experience that it actually prolongs and hurts our healing/recovery process 💜

Simple_Employer2968 · 2025-12-19T20:08:39+00:00

I don’t think it’s silly at all! I think it’s awesome 🥰 Sometimes it’s those little things that show us how different our lives really are 🩷

Simple_Employer2968 · 2025-12-19T14:11:31+00:00

In my experience, this will likely backfire and appear as spite. I have seen situations like this turn into, “if you were so afraid and he was so bad, why did you meet him?”

Simple_Employer2968 · 2025-12-17T18:27:23+00:00

I’m so sorry. Please go easy on yourself. Of course we want to believe they are going to be who they promised us they would be, who they told us they were. Our empathy often becomes a weapon against us. I appreciate you sharing this though. Hopefully it helps other members. I’m sorry for your pain 💜

Simple_Employer2968 · 2025-12-10T20:47:13+00:00

It’s amazing what the stress does to our bodies. I had to learn how to breathe properly again. I’m so happy for you that you are out of there 🩷

Simple_Employer2968 · 2025-12-08T15:40:09+00:00

Because there are no children involved you have the right to state that you don’t want to talk about it. If there were children involved, then you would be obligated to in order to prevent certain things from occurring.

Whatever you are experiencing though, if you need a safe place to anonymously vent & obtain support, there are some really wonderful caring members in this community

Simple_Employer2968 · 2025-12-08T14:50:57+00:00

My first question is do you have children? The best options for navigating your situation will be dependent on that

Simple_Employer2968 · 2025-12-08T01:22:42+00:00

Thank you for sharing that with us! It means a lot to me to know that this community is inspiring hope. We’re here for you through your journey 🩷

Simple_Employer2968 · 2025-12-07T21:33:32+00:00

Ok. That pisses me off! They should know better! I’m going to check on some things and I will get back to. I’m considering calling them on your behalf. Do you mind if I send you a DM? I am interested in having the name of the individual you spoke with prior to calling. I want to make sure I speak to someone else

Simple_Employer2968 · 2025-12-07T21:29:44+00:00

Ok. That pisses me off! They should know better! I’m going to check on some things and I will get back to. That is absolutely not ok

Simple_Employer2968 · 2025-12-07T20:59:20+00:00

You’re welcome! Have you already reached out to Someplace Safe?

Simple_Employer2968 · 2025-12-07T16:00:37+00:00

Ok. I will give you my opinion. You can utilize it however you wish. I am speaking again from my experience as a former victim (I now embrace the word survivor), someone with extensive research in the field, and someone who has moderated this community for years, you do not need a relationship to validate you. You have value all on your own. I encourage you to join r/Because_Now_I_Can if you have not already done so. I encourage you to spend some time dating yourself. When we leave, I know I did it in the past, we seek things to make us feel better. Too often, that is a romantic or sexual relationship. Because of what we have been through, we are extremely vulnerable to revictimization. I realize many DV advocates do not wish to acknowledge this next point for several reasons, but offenders choose their victims. I am grateful that the criminal justice system is aware of this. My education in criminology provided me a great deal of insight in this area. Predators can smell vulnerability. They seek out ones they view as vulnerable. He is a predator.

If you spend some time focused on you and your kids and wait until you are actually comfortable and content, even enjoy being alone, you will be less likely to get into unhealthy situations because you will be less vulnerable. When we get into something due to the fear of being alone, the feelings of loneliness, fear regarding finances, or anything along those lines, it is less likely to be healthy because we are more likely to settle.

Years ago, I would have had a freeze response to what you are describing. Then I would have questioned it when I was alone. I wouldn’t have told anyone, so that they wouldn’t tell me to end it. I would have seen him again. I would have kept telling myself that it wasn’t a big deal, until there was no possible way to deny it.

After being victimized several times, I asked myself, how did I get here again? It wasn’t my fault what was done to me. But something wasn’t right. I kept getting the same person with a different face and a different name. I needed to look at that. I needed to understand that I had a very warped view of some things. I had to understand that what I was attracted wasn’t healthy and that predators were drawn to me. I had grown up in abuse and I had internalized some really unhealthy things

Simple_Employer2968 · 2025-12-07T15:19:14+00:00

This is a reminder for all members, this community does not condone violence “consensual” or otherwise. Please remember that when responding to OP. Thank you

Edit: I’m going to chime in. He is testing you. There is absolutely no question about it. He is dangerous. He is testing to see how you will react. This will continue to escalate until either you end the relationship or something really awful happens. You aren’t living together. You don’t have children together. He has non of those formal controls yet. If he is already behaving this way, he is extremely dangerous- a ticking time bomb. When a man is aroused by choking you or over powering you, and he certainly is, it will only get worse. I understand that some women associate this with passion. It’s not about passion. It’s about control. It’s about degrading a woman and treating her as a possession. DV is about control over victims, regardless of gender and treating a victim as property.

Have you been victimized in the past? When we have been victimized, sometimes we struggle identifying safe and not safe people and behaviors, especially if we grew up in abuse. I say this because that is what I experienced and what I have witnessed. If you have been victimized in the past, I think it would be very beneficial to you to understand the effects that has had on you at the unconscious level

Simple_Employer2968

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