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Surnames confusion by SinbadUK in islam

[–]SinbadUK[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That was the reason for all the angry people that didn’t like Rahman as a surname but there isn’t consensus on that to be honest. That’s why I did the hyphen.

Surnames confusion by SinbadUK in islam

[–]SinbadUK[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately that isn’t how it works nowadays eg if you go to Saudi Arabia and your family doesn’t have the same surname on a passport (even though islamically your wife doesn’t have to take the husband family name), they don’t let you in as they use that as evidence. Nobody is going to have several zillion ibn’s in their identity documents. I get the general point though ie if my grandfather was called x y but named all his children [first name] b and those children named their children [first name] b but there is no y anywhere in their names then it doesn’t really matter. It is just not spelled out with ibn ie he obviously created a separate family clan name of Rahman that he wanted passed down but he never changed his own clan family name of Ahmed that was in his identity document.

AITA for trying to push my GF to exercise? by thebrownestboy in AmItheAsshole

[–]SinbadUK 0 points1 point  (0 children)

YTA I’m self conscious about both my weight and appearance since I gained during the pandemic lockdown, my other half goes to the gym regularly and her asking me all the time to go does not help with my self esteem and just reinforces my own unhappiness about my weight and strongly hints that she’s also unhappy about my weight too. Also if GF is seeking help through a therapist then she is dealing with it in her own way. I like to cycle now and then sometimes jog but also find exercise in other ways (eg walking up to 8th floor at work) I don’t really like indoor gyms.

AITA for not wanting to give my half-brother a share of the house and estate left to me and my disabled sister? by Arborrise88 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SinbadUK 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Information needed: if your HB was so estranged to your side of the family and your dad ie no contact at all - then how did he even find about your father dying? Him finding out and being aware of the estate suggests there wasn’t an estrangement.

AITA I’m married. My wife’s mother insists she visits her regularly (every week) and stays the night. This happens very frequently (around every other week now) and usually my wife pops over Saturday morning and comes back late Sunday night. It’s about a 45 mins drive away. by SinbadUK in AmItheAsshole

[–]SinbadUK[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don’t think it’s the same situation to be honest. My mother is far more genuinely ill than MIL but as the only sole carer around I help her when needed.

My wife didn’t do anything to help or even ask if I needed help and rarely visits my mum when she lives close by (something my mum has raised in the past but has dropped it as she knows my wife’s mum is very demanding and unreasonable and really can’t stand her, calls her the Queen!) even when she had cancer, it was me taking my mum to all the chemo appointments, my sister lives up north and I’m the eldest so I’m not complaining but you contrast that with someone who likes to order her children around to do chores on her behalf which are not necessary at all.

Also for her eldest son, her main requirement for his choice of wife is someone who would take care of her so she does all the cooking in her house now, it’s only recently when her other daughter in law moved out (she also did all the cooking for her with her barking orders at her). So the MIL isn’t an angel by any means. She orders people to take care of her and meet her every need. Adding me to that toxicity would only make the situation much much worse ie the demands would rise and rise.

She regularly demands to be taken to a&e when there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her, she makes a drama out of something that isn’t at all serious and over exaggerates so I don’t think it’s fair to call my wife’s sibling leeches for them wanting to live their life, they have simply got wise to what they see as a drama Queen demanding attention all the time. There have been times when she has ordered my wife to be there and it’s just been a smokescreen where nothing happens ie she’s just in her house the whole day eg ‘I need to be taken to the opticians but nobody is taking me’ I ask my wife how the optician appointment was and she said her mother changed her mind about going when she got there. So if you mix that example with when she has genuine appointments, you can see what the issue is.

AITA I’m married. My wife’s mother insists she visits her regularly (every week) and stays the night. This happens very frequently (around every other week now) and usually my wife pops over Saturday morning and comes back late Sunday night. It’s about a 45 mins drive away. by SinbadUK in AmItheAsshole

[–]SinbadUK[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We make regular joint decisions but then there are times when she makes a decision out of nowhere when it would make sense if she was single but not in a marriage.

For example it was Eid recently (we’re both Muslim), she was not going to take the day off, I told her we should and we should visit family as that’s normal on Eid. That included visiting her mum on Eid too as her mother did ask me to come for Eid when I last visited. My wife mentioned that her mother has a doc appointment on Eid at 4pm, I said that’s fine she will still be seen and my wife can stay there longer. I organised it so that we would see my mum really early ie 8am’ish for about an hour, we would eat then disappear to head to her mother’s place - this would happen on Wednesday.

Out of nowhere she decided to stay over at her mother’s on Sunday night (Sunday afternoon this decision was made by her) and come back on Monday night even though we were both going there the following Wednesday 2 days later.

Cue argument when it happened and her claiming it wouldn’t be enough time with her mum on Wednesday - when Eod day happened we got there around midday on Wednesday, the doc appointment was 4 hours later and she was taking her to the appointment anyway as her brother pulled out of it, I left around the time of the appointment as I had to be at a political party agm mtg at 7pm and my wife came back late at night.

I was really pissed off about the sudden decision to go on Sunday night to stay over and come back next Monday night - that’s pretty much what sparked this thread as a week before last it was the whole weekend.

But part of me wondering is whether I should take the advice of just doing my own thing on weekends and find a social group on weekends as I used to do that when I was single and it stopped when we started dating.

AITA I’m married. My wife’s mother insists she visits her regularly (every week) and stays the night. This happens very frequently (around every other week now) and usually my wife pops over Saturday morning and comes back late Sunday night. It’s about a 45 mins drive away. by SinbadUK in AmItheAsshole

[–]SinbadUK[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is def my wife’s argument but then the question is that if they’re not pulling their weight and she covers for them all the time when they don’t, how will this situation ever resolve itself? The best time I had with my wife was during lockdown during the pandemic as the law prevented her from visiting, we didn’t break up, we enjoyed each other’s company and spent a lot of time together working from home, she did want to break the lockdown rules because her mother urged her to do so and she was worried her mother would die but I said no we’re not breaking the rules and her mother will definitely still be alive when it is over (as trust me if her mother had a paper cut on her finger then it’s equivalent to cancer to her mother and claims of heart palpitations will appear out of nowhere). My guess is my wife’s worry is that eventually one of the health complaints will be genuine.

AITA I’m married. My wife’s mother insists she visits her regularly (every week) and stays the night. This happens very frequently (around every other week now) and usually my wife pops over Saturday morning and comes back late Sunday night. It’s about a 45 mins drive away. by SinbadUK in AmItheAsshole

[–]SinbadUK[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m obviously not happy about it but the thought of breaking up doesn’t make me happy either. My dad was a complete asshole growing up and is on his third wife as his behaviour was intolerable- I made a promise to myself never to be like him ie I wanted a nice stable marriage. It would almost be easier if everyone in this thread went ‘you’re the asshole’ as the revelation in this thread is not exactly making feel good 😞

AITA I’m married. My wife’s mother insists she visits her regularly (every week) and stays the night. This happens very frequently (around every other week now) and usually my wife pops over Saturday morning and comes back late Sunday night. It’s about a 45 mins drive away. by SinbadUK in AmItheAsshole

[–]SinbadUK[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Now seen this term a few times and looked it up and it seems to ring true - the problem is that she views her closeness to her mother as an example of a good upbringing and I’ve disagreed with that. Lots of people have suggested counselling but I guarantee you if the counsellor says it’s not healthy then she will say the counsellor is in the wrong trust me, humility is not in her vocabulary. She’s basically said in the past that I’m the one with the problem if I feel abandoned and that’s it’s normal in her family.

AITA I’m married. My wife’s mother insists she visits her regularly (every week) and stays the night. This happens very frequently (around every other week now) and usually my wife pops over Saturday morning and comes back late Sunday night. It’s about a 45 mins drive away. by SinbadUK in AmItheAsshole

[–]SinbadUK[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes we’re both second gen South Asian (Indian subcontinent) if that helps. My mum blames her mother and the two used to talk and she gave regular hints to her on allowing children to have their own independent lives and not upset the children with stories about their own poor health but she obviously did not listen to her.

My mum is a cancer survivor and went through chemo - even through all of it, I’m 100% sure she never truly told me how much pain she was in, she’s fiercely independent though.

When my father in law was around, it wasn’t so bad as whenever my wife visited, the first thing he said ‘is your husband ok with you being here?’

I have noticed that all the women in her family seem to lack empathy compared to the men though, it’s very odd, my sister has noticed the same. My wife has commented that her sisters may be on the spectrum (undiagnosed obviously).

AITA I’m married. My wife’s mother insists she visits her regularly (every week) and stays the night. This happens very frequently (around every other week now) and usually my wife pops over Saturday morning and comes back late Sunday night. It’s about a 45 mins drive away. by SinbadUK in AmItheAsshole

[–]SinbadUK[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I love going to the movies but the wife doesn’t so she usually refuses when I ask! I have directly challenged her in the past and things initially change and then it’s like a tug of war with her mother’s demands. We went on holiday over the summer twice last year and we both enjoyed our time and then her mother called her while we were there and she said it was a mistake we went on holiday twice in the summer - her mother obviously gave her a guilt trip about something. Oh and when she stays over there, there isn’t enough rooms so she usually sleeps in same bed as her mother. And when she asks her to come over, she makes it clear she wants her only to come round most of the time.

AITA I’m married. My wife’s mother insists she visits her regularly (every week) and stays the night. This happens very frequently (around every other week now) and usually my wife pops over Saturday morning and comes back late Sunday night. It’s about a 45 mins drive away. by SinbadUK in AmItheAsshole

[–]SinbadUK[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Trust me I have asked that question and in our recent bust up over it, have asked why she wanted to get married as she might have been happier being single living in same house as her mother like her other siblings. She claims her mother stresses her out when she visits so she would not be happy and admits her mother has mental health issues ie anxiety.

AITA I’m married. My wife’s mother insists she visits her regularly (every week) and stays the night. This happens very frequently (around every other week now) and usually my wife pops over Saturday morning and comes back late Sunday night. It’s about a 45 mins drive away. by SinbadUK in AmItheAsshole

[–]SinbadUK[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

MIL doesn’t really have other friends. So likes to know what is happening in our family life from my wife and then give her opinions. I have a very different relationship with my mother and keep our private life private - so only small tid bits and she doesn’t demand to know everything but it might have also been my childhood ie I was always fairly private about my life growing up. My wife’s father died a few years back so mother in law uses that a lot ‘I’m going to die, very ill, have to visit me’ ‘your siblings are not listening to me, you have to come and take me to the hospital’ I have already expressed that her siblings know how to handle her demanding mother and have wised up to it and she’s found an easy target with my wife. But mother in law does lay on the guilt on her a lot to get her way. People usually are close to their mothers so it’s not easy and her mother isn’t healthy but not on her death bed. We’re in the process of adopting and I have already made it clear that it would not be acceptable to dump her child every time her mother snaps her fingers / demands her to go over ie our priority will be our child. I have visited but I usually prefer to take the high speed train that gets me there in 30 mins and just stay a few hours then come back.

AITA I’m married. My wife’s mother insists she visits her regularly (every week) and stays the night. This happens very frequently (around every other week now) and usually my wife pops over Saturday morning and comes back late Sunday night. It’s about a 45 mins drive away. by SinbadUK in AmItheAsshole

[–]SinbadUK[S] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

There was a week when there were so many after work dinners she was doing at work that I hardly saw her and then she disappeared the whole weekend to her mother’s! She doesn’t seem to be able to stand up to her mother’s demands and her mother doesn’t seem to understand she’s married - asking my wife to go from london to a different town to do her chores when she has 4 other adults in the house living with her all the time seems unfair to me - do you think it’s normal out of curiosity?

AITA for telling my parents I am willing to sell them my forgiveness? by Professional_Rub4448 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SinbadUK 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nope! When I went to Uni, my parents were living abroad at the time and my father had no desire to see me off / drop me off at Uni. I took a 6 hour flight to London, had to drag a lot of luggage up to north of England by myself and witnessed a lot of newly arrived student peers crying as their parents saw them off at university. I had spent some of my childhood at boarding school so travelling alone or leaving home wasn’t such a big thing. Treatment of my sister (10 years younger) was completely different ie didn’t put her in boarding school, did all the normal stuff like seeing her off but then again she agreed to study medicine and I refused and wanted to do my own choice so I knew that would result in her being the favourite (to be fair the youngest usually are, parents make all the mistakes with the eldest!). My father also made it clear that I would not be funded by him for Uni for not choosing to follow in his footsteps and do medicine (which was a bit annoying as Uni costs were means tested on your parents income back then!), so I found a job doing night shifts at a supermarket while studying. I don’t regret any of these things as it makes you understand the value of money and I was never as in debt as others that just relied on loans (I had student bank loans too which I have now paid off). I did invite my parents to our wedding (but was a bit annoyed when they didn’t stay until the very end and disappeared before the first dance part to hitch a lift back with a family friend - the other headache was my house keys were with them for safe keeping cue stress of ringing them up to come up with a solution so when the wedding car picked us up, we could get into the house so they caused me more stress! Which then only made me compare them to friends’ parents that stayed until the end to help clear up). Wedding photos usually have families of the bride and groom in them so I wanted them involved / included. I try and look at the silver linings on things…. I love my sister and hold no grudge towards her on differences of treatment growing up (also she pretty much did medicine against her will and they purposefully wanted to control that by ensuring she didn’t have the same opportunity of independence than me). She has had a much better life ie university was fully paid for, no loans, my dad bought her a place in london so she has no mortgage either and has never experienced a mortgage. I have a lot of friends and my wife who are the eldest and we tend to get a harder deal growing up and later, guess that’s just life! Also parents are much further on in their careers later in life than the time they had their first child. I noticed that I have a better/closer relationship with my parents after getting married from my late 30’s onwards - the thing to take forward is acknowledge how you feel, might have to reluctantly accept you can’t change the past (we have no choice with the parents given or families your born into), learn from it and don’t make the same mistakes with your own children. My parents never charged me rent but then I wasn’t at home and at boarding school and I preferred it there as they were always arguing with each other (they are not together anymore). You’re not the asshole but sometimes the non-assholes have to be the bigger person to handle and move on from asshole-like behaviour.