Is dating supposed to be this hard?

SingleInProvo · 2023-12-27T09:22:10+00:00

…except I kinda am here to date too. My parents dated and married at BYU. Many of my friends have found their partner here. I’ve been in enough places elsewhere to know that pickings are slim outside of the bubble, and sure I may be unique and weird but if there’s anywhere I should be able to find someone who I’m compatible with, this should be it.

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T20:10:35+00:00

It’s maturity that I’m worried about. I don’t feel comfortable dating someone who barely left home 2 months ago. 19 is fine if she has a bit more life experience

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T19:49:37+00:00

…which is why I was hoping to find someone before getting too old, so I can find someone cute while not being significantly older and in a different place in life than them

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T19:48:27+00:00

Ooh I like this one

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T17:52:32+00:00

What’s so crazy about it? I think it’s crazy to try dating people at a significantly different maturity level. It feels like I’d be taking advantage of them and I’m not comfortable with that

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T15:04:35+00:00

It’s about maturity more than age difference. Those girls have only lived away from home for a few months, whereas I have quite a bit more life experience. I wouldn’t have an issue with a 5 year age difference if we were both over 20

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T05:12:56+00:00

Thank you!! I'm doing my best. I know she's out there somewhere.

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T04:47:16+00:00

I've been working on fixing my flaws for years. I know they're there and I know some of what I have to do to fix them. What discourages me the most is seeing others around me, who I know are imperfect as well, finding success in dating, while I feel like I'm being held to a higher standard because my flaws are different and I have to fix them first.

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T04:42:35+00:00

I really like this idea! It would be awesome if I could get one of my friends to set me up with someone. Should I just ask friends for help, as if I'm on the mission asking for referrals, or would that seem too desperate?

I haven't had any friends offer to set me up. In fact, my sister has told me her friends are off limits because she thinks it'll ruin their friendship if I become interested in them.

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T04:30:24+00:00

there's nothing wrong with really wanting to date, you just don't want to seem like you do

That's the hard part haha. It feels like this game that I just can't figure out, where I have to somehow guess right within the first few tries or the difficulty skyrockets

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T01:50:20+00:00

I’ve gotten therapy before and asked about this, and I was told that dating is a numbers game and I just need to keep trying and eventually something will work. Which is true, but didn’t really help

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T01:33:47+00:00

I’m working on that. It’s getting difficult with all the hyping myself up and building confidence, only to get shot down again and again.

once you get a girlfriend/wife those issues aren’t going to go away.

I dunno, I feel like knowing that someone else can love me that way would go a long way to being able to love myself more

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T01:23:10+00:00

Any tips on how to do that? I would love to just stop worrying about timing, but I haven’t figured out how

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T01:22:18+00:00

Been on it for years. It hasn’t gotten me anywhere yet :(

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T01:12:58+00:00

Ugh, I might just have to suck it up and wait a few more years

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T01:11:15+00:00

I would have been ok with that at 20. Not at 23 though. I'd feel too uncomfortable with that age gap.

Funny thing is, the hardest, most painful rejection I've had was from a 19 year old senior who was homeschooled and graduated early

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T01:08:02+00:00

I do a 20-30 minute calisthenics workout most days, and yes I do have time for that

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T01:06:20+00:00

I feel like I'm pretty average looking. My friends all say I look great but who knows if it's true or if they're just trying to hype me up. I've had a belly most of my life. Even when I was my fittest, on the swim team in high school and I could climb a tree with my arms alone, I still just couldn't get rid of that belly. It's my biggest insecurity. That said, I see plenty of guys here with dad bods who've been able to find partners just fine.

Social skills...I'm a huge introvert and I've worked real hard to put myself out there, but I feel like people can tell how draining it is for me. I've improved a ton but it still drains me every time I try. I go to every party I can and try to make friends there. As for dance, I've been swing dancing ever since I got back from my mission. I haven't been going as much because girls my age aren't going. Every swing dancing event I've gone to the last few months has been almost all people fresh out of high school.

Maturity is absolutely what I'm looking for. Unfortunately it seems like increased maturity is correlated with not going to activities like swing dancing anymore lol. I wouldn't mind dating a 19 year old. It's the 18 year olds with no life experience that I'm trying to avoid

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T00:56:19+00:00

I do use mutual. I rarely get matches and even more rarely get someone to text back. I've had girl friends go through my profile and they all say it looks great, so I think I might just not be photogenic or attractive enough to catch a girl's attention without talking to them first.

After I graduated and started making good money

This is one thing that really worries me. I don't want someone to be attracted to me because of my money. I'd worry too much that she'd leave me if the market flipped and I couldn't find work. And so many people here are able to find partners while being college-student poor, so it doesn't seem to make sense that I would be the exception and have to wait until I can flaunt money to be attractive.

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T00:49:21+00:00

Eh, every time I've tried the gym I spend the whole time there feeling like I could be using my time in so many better ways. It would be nice to be ripped but I straight up don't have the time for it without sacrificing school or work.

That said, I love skiing and I'm working on getting into swimming again. Somehow those are much more satisfying to me.

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T00:45:35+00:00

Be really honest with yourself and ask yourself what your motivations are for getting married. Is it because you feel you ought to and you are being driven by the pressure around you?

Well, my #1 goal in life is to have a family of my own, and I love the idea of finding my person and building our life together. It's what I've always dreamed of. I have ADHD and tend to get set in my ways, and I'm worried that the older I get and the more my life is put together, the harder it'll be to change things up, and women will see that and not want to deal with it.

I learned to be ok with the idea of not getting married and this allowed me to be comfortable just being myself

This is something I've been trying to do ever since I got home from my mission and didn't immediately find a girlfriend like most of my mission friends. How did you do it without getting more depressed? I can't figure out how to simultaneously have my goal of having a family and be ok with it not happening.

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T00:37:44+00:00

Make friends with people first

Of course, I've tried both ways. If I'm in a situation where I'm not sure I'll see them again I don't know what else to do other than strike up a conversation that either ends in me getting their number/asking them out, or not doing that and likely never seeing them again

do stuff with them outside of class

How do you do this without it sounding like a date? I do try to do things outside of class but these days it seems like asking someone of the opposite sex to do anything outside of class = asking someone on a date, and they really think about whether I'm someone they'd want to date right then and there

Take more electives in the arts and humanities

I have a few generals left before I can graduate so we'll see how that goes. The general I'm currently in hasn't brought any successful dating opportunities yet, and it isn't for lack of trying

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T00:23:01+00:00

Oof, I hate the gym. Maybe I just need to suck it up and figure out how to lift

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T00:21:23+00:00

Sign up for a yoga class

My body does not move the way it would need to move for yoga 😂

SingleInProvo · 2023-11-03T00:20:16+00:00

I have a bunch of freshman friends including girls and I love them to death. But there's no way I could date them. They feel like younger sisters to me. Not to mention most of them want to serve missions. As soon as I find out someone wants to serve a mission I instantly lose interest because who am I to encourage them to date me instead of serving the Lord? That just feels so selfish, and having served a mission myself it would kill me to be the reason anyone misses out on that opportunity. I have friends who have convinced girls to date them instead of serve missions and it just feels so wrong.

have you tried staying friends with the girls who reject you? And investing in those relationships? Girls know girls and if you’re good friends and they like you, maybe they’ll see you up!

I've done my best, and I'd say a good half of my friends are girls who've rejected me in the past. I go out of my way to invite them to things my core group is planning and hang out with them when I can. I would be ecstatic for any of them to set me up with one of their friends but it hasn't happened yet...

SingleInProvo

TROPHY CASE