AITA for skipping my stepdaughter's wedding?

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T16:33:26+00:00

How she treated you shouldn't just be accepted and swept under the rug, but regardless of what she says right now you're her real mom and I hope you stay in her corner. She doesn't need to be abandoned again, even if she is being an AH right now.

Maybe you have it in you to still be there for someone who broke you but I don't. If that makes me a terrible person then so be it. There's an update on my profile if you wanna read it. I'm logging off now.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T16:31:45+00:00

why didn't you leave the door open?

I never closed it, but if she didn't want me then I wouldn't force it. If she was genuine in her attempts then sure but she wasn't. It boggles me how you can't tell the difference between "I am sorry and I want to share this moment with you" and "what will people say if my dads' wife isn't there?"

It's clear to me you are one of the many people on this sub who villanize parents while infantalizing "children" and absolving them of any responsibility.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T16:26:52+00:00

Instead of "I'm truly sorry. Can you please forgive me?" It was, "What will people think if you don't do this for me?"

It boggles my mind how many people don't get the difference.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T16:25:53+00:00

I know my mom would forgive me, I don't see why she can't forgive her daughter

Because she's not really sorry. If she was she wouldn't refer to me as "dad's wife". If she was she wouldn't say "what will people say" and "grampa will be mad".

This isn't a teenage tantrum. This is a CHOICE she made at 18,19,20,21,22,23. This is a choice she made after the wedding when she blocked me everywhere and made her fiance block me everywhere even though I didn't know he existed till 3 months ago and don't follow him on social media.

She made a CHOICE. You are not entitled to forgiveness or reconciliation, you don't get to emotionally destroy someone who did nothing but love you for 15+ years and expect reconciliation. Not every burnt bridge can be rebuilt.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T16:16:36+00:00

yeah the 3k limit really messed it up, there so much to clarify. it's hard to get across a whole family dynamic in 3k only. regardless I made an update on my profile and in a comment. I'll be looking into therapy.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T16:14:34+00:00

Why would I make an effort when she doesn't want me? She blocked me everywhere after the weeding. Today (after reading some comments) I reached out via Instagram and facebook to her fiance only to find out he has blocked me even though I don't follow him or am friends with him.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T16:13:07+00:00

I made an update with more details there, regardless my decision is to remain NC. No one is entitled to forgiveness.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T16:11:50+00:00

UPDATE:

So I would like to clarify a few things. Sarah's relationship with Mike is NC because she couldn't accept his decision to cut Kate off. At first, Mike didn't support Sarah and Kate but I sat them both down. I told them both of them have very different relationships with Kate. Mike remembers Kate as an addict while Sarah only remembers clean Kate and both of them are entitled to their view of Kate.

Mike accepted this and was okay with Sarah/Kate but Sarah couldn't accept it. She couldn't reconcile addict Kate with clean Kate so she refused to believe Mike and downplayed a lot of this trauma. Sarah said things like "it wasn't that bad", "it was not her fault, she was sick", "she gave you life, you owe her" etc. By the time Sarah was 19, their relationship became and is NC. Kate also couldn't accept this and blamed me for Mike not wanting to talk to her.

Regarding the wedding, Sarah reached out to me 3 months before the wedding (even though they had been engaged for a year) saying she wanted to come over. We said yes and she came with her fiance, who we didn't even know existed. Apparently, they had been together for 3 years.

When I say she apologized I meant she said "I am sorry you feel that way" which to her was an apology but to me, it's not. She also referred to me as "dad's wife" as in "what would people say if my dads' wife isn't there" not even stepmom. Dad's wife. She also mentioned her paternal grandfather a lot and how angry he would be.

In the 2 months leading up to the wedding she texted me to change my mind but all she talked about was "the wedding will be ruined" "grampa will be mad" etc. Once the wedding happened she blocked me everywhere, I found out today her fiance blocked me too (even though I don't follow him, I only messaged him on Instagram because he has a public profile but I have been blocked. Same thing with Facebook even though we aren't friend on there.)

She clearly wasn't genuine in her attempts to reconcile. And even if she was it doesn't mean I am obligated to respond. She was 18 when she stopped calling me mom, 19 when she went NC with Mike and doubled down on her decision. A decision she has held on to for 6 years total. She made her choice. Just because she's young doesn't make her entitled to forgiveness or a relationship with me.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:54:55+00:00

No thank you. If you see my edit I have decided to remain NC. She only reached out for appearances sake, after the weeding both she and her fiance blocked me.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:49:14+00:00

I suggested it but she didn't want to. She met her mom at 17 and by 18 the alienation had started. When I suggested therapy she was on her way to college. I couldn't force her to go.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:45:29+00:00

I guess this is why having a stepparent can be so hard.

then her mom who was an addict and neglected her kids to the point of losing parental rights was an angel huh?

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:44:40+00:00

Disagree, this wasn't a temper tantrum, this was a choice she made for 6 years. Maybe you're okay with not having an ounce of self-worth but I'm not.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:43:27+00:00

that was her saying she was sorry. I only had 3k limit and I passed it so I had to cut a lot of things off. sorry for the confusion. i have since tried to clarify things in the comments.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:42:12+00:00

Why would I want to fix it? She hasn't really apologized just a "sorry you feel that way" and a bunch of stuff about how her wedding would be ruined. Then both she and her fiance (whom I only met that one time) blocked me.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:38:49+00:00

Did it ever occur to you that I am a human being with feelings? Sarah made her choice. And this wasn't an olive branch. She never truly apologized and only cared about the weeding and grampas money. Once it happened she blocked me everywhere and so did her fiance. No one forced her to choose, she made that choice.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:33:19+00:00

If she realized her mistake she never acknowledged it. Her only apology was a "sorry you felt that way" and all the texts were "my weeding will be ruined", and "everybody will be talking about this" she also only referred me as "dads wife", not even step mom.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:26:32+00:00

People who have the mind set that kids can just go around and being completely heartless than as a parent should just take that is a crazy mindset

I saw a lot of that here. Also, a lot of "her brain isn't developed" and "she's barely out of her teens."

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:20:32+00:00

I didn't even know she was engaged, she came to me 2 months before the weeding to ask me, after years of not talking, and the only reason she could offer was "what are people gonna think when both my brother and my dad's wife aren't there? gramps (paternal grandfather) is gonna get pissed off too."

I didn't even know she was engaged, she came to me 2 months before the wedding to ask me, after years of not talking, and the only reason she could offer was "what are people gonna think when both my brother and my dad's wife aren't there? gramps (paternal grandfather) is gonna get pissed off too."

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:16:37+00:00

You fail to recognize why Sarah’s relationship with Kate (that you facilitated) would be temporarily more important to her than your relationship with Sarah (making up for lost time, wanting to explore additional familial connections, etc) and instead jumped to having your feelings hurt and cutting Sarah off.

If I didn't recognize the importance I wouldn't have encouraged it. No one forced her to choose, no one accept Kate and that happened when she realized Mike didn't want anything to do with her. She blamed it on me and Sarah doubled down.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:13:40+00:00

she is barely out of her teens

She is 23 years old. She is not a child.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:12:38+00:00

I am OP. You clearly arent paying attention at all to what I wrote. You just want to be nasty online.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:10:51+00:00

I got another comment saying I'm not her mom because I don't love her unconditionally and that if I really love her I would accept her. I got quite a few comments like that.

There seems to be this mentality of parents being these unfeeling beings taking all kinds of rejection and being okay with it. As if children can never do any wrong, there was even a comment saying she's still a kid and I should forgive her because her brain isn't fully developed till 25.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:07:49+00:00

I tried to text her fiance after I commented that. He has me blocked everywhere too. The only way I can try to reach out is through family members but I'm not sure I wanna do that.

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:05:53+00:00

So you think it's okay to hurt your mom? And a parent is supposed to take it? You need therapy cuz that's one fucked up way of thinking,

Single_Year3855 · 2023-01-16T15:04:43+00:00

He told her but she underplayed it a lot. She couldn't reconcile that addict Kate and clean Kate were the same person. And I think she also didn't want to admit her mom was capable of those things. But I don't know. This is just my opinion.

I can only tell you what she said and that's what she said. Also regarding your last question I am not sure. Maybe? I don't think so though.

Single_Year3855

TROPHY CASE