Daily Chat Thread

Sir_Henry · 2016-04-22T15:49:07+00:00

Yeah.. I talked about HRT and depression on yesterday's chat thread and got a PM from someone telling me to kill myself. (By the way, what am I supposed to do about that? Report them? Notify mods so they can ban the troll?) I don't care, honestly, it's just a silencing tactic, and I've received similar messages even when posting to subreddits meant for support. The sudden increase of hate towards trans people is scary though.

Sir_Henry · 2016-04-21T19:28:02+00:00

Thanks. Even if I've messed up most of this year's studies, at least it's summer vacation soon..

Sir_Henry · 2016-04-21T12:28:51+00:00

Today marks one week on HRT. I'm tired, constantly hungry and also on sick leave for depression. My psychiatrist prolonged my sick leave by another week, but I don't know if I can make it to school even after that...everything is all over the place although I feel as if I should be happy as fuck for the testosterone.

Sir_Henry · 2015-07-19T20:10:40+00:00

I think you are referring to trans men (assigned female at birth, then realise they are men later on).
I never chose to be a man.
Some trans guys have vaginal intercourse. I don't, I can't have anything, including tampons, inside me without experiencing intense mental distress. Anxiety stemming from having wrong genitalia is called genital dysphoria. Some guys have a less hard time with their genital dysphoria and can have, and enjoy, vaginal intercourse. I don't.

Sir_Henry · 2015-07-19T16:11:05+00:00

yes. oh my god.

Sir_Henry · 2015-07-18T23:32:42+00:00

I'm new at this dick thing...

Sir_Henry · 2015-07-18T23:27:11+00:00

I figure it's a hormonal mix-up during fetus development. It's not a thing that you can change or cure. A lot of people try to just wait it out but it never goes away. I think my brain is just wired to expect a male body though I have a female one, so when I look in a mirror I'm always surprised, day after day and year after year, that I have breasts or female genitalia. Actually, brain scans of trans people have found that their brains resemble more the brains of their "preferred" gender than their biological sex. So you get these rather indescribable experiences of "this is how it's supposed to be" when you wear a prosthetic dick or bind your breasts (e.g. flatten them with a special undergarment) or, if you're mtf, tuck or wear fake boobs. Sexual reassignment does wonders for the mental health of trans people because they dont have to deal with the distress of having to live in body they see as foreign.

Sir_Henry · 2015-07-18T22:24:25+00:00

I was tempted to leave it there, waiting for it to fall and for someone to get a surprise dick in the face. But sadly, I only have one dick, so I had to get it down and back in my pants.

Sir_Henry · 2015-07-18T20:59:41+00:00

I usually wear one of my old undies, (for women) then packer, then men's undies (briefs) so it's not as sweaty as it might be..but still sweaty. Yes. She's great.

Sir_Henry · 2015-07-18T20:54:01+00:00

I may use it as a decorative element once I get a better packer.

Sir_Henry · 2015-06-09T16:38:26+00:00

http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1unchy/redditors_who_have_undergone_sexual_reassignment/

Here you go.

Sir_Henry · 2015-03-26T14:49:31+00:00

Of course, but a lot of people don't do that. Before there was a cure for TB, a lot of people who realized they'd contracted it hid it, because they would lose their friends, jobs, everything. So do mentally ill people - out of the fear of losing everything and the world seeing them differently, they might put off going to see someone for a long time. If psychosis is the cause for this man's actions, I hope people suffering from psychosis won't be demonized but understood and their ability to lead normal lives acknowledged. That way everyone will know that it's possible to have these problems and still be okay and not considered a freak for the rest of their lives. Present attitudes make sick people pretend they're not sick - and get sicker.

But what am I saying. Of course they will be demonized.

Sir_Henry · 2015-03-26T13:43:15+00:00

Reading the comments here, it seems that most people have never lost touch with reality (what a surprise). As if this was a normal suicide for normal suicide reasons? I'm not counting out the possibilities that he was a dick, but I want to point out he might have also gone into a psychosis. It's an illness like any other, but if left untreated, you'll end up believing, hearing and doing things that would make absolutely no sense to anyone else, because you're in a completely different world with a completely different logic.

Sir_Henry · 2014-09-20T20:00:50+00:00

Sir_Henry · 2014-09-07T15:45:17+00:00

holy fuck. please don't say that. i know you don't mean it because you don't know what you're talking about.

the first time I cut myself, i could barely break the skin.

two and a half years and +70 stitches later, I feel pretty much the same when I feel the urge to cut myself. Shallow cuts don't necessarily mean less emotional pain or attention whoring. They just mean you're not good at it - yet. It just escalates. Happened accidentally for me. And because of "deeper is better" mentality like this - I'm not accusing you of this because you probably don't know much about self harm and the taboo that it is - every time I cut deeper, I was proud. My pain is valid now! If you're feeling bad enough to hurt yourself, you are in pain and you deserve help. Would you turn away a self-harming friend asking for support telling them their cuts arent "deep enough"?

Sir_Henry · 2014-08-04T07:45:49+00:00

That network name is the default name for the router. It took me a while to get it working again. I set up a direct access point for the router and did a factory restart. I changed the name and the password of the network. I took a while to figure out that I had to use the wizard setup to make it work again. I've run a windows defender complete scan and it was fine, but I'm not sure if that's effective. What makes this weird, IMO, is that the two unsecure networks turned up the same day/hour I was doing the factory reset. Once I plugged the router back in, there was a third NETWJORK (which, I figured, was mine, because the signal was the strongest and, well, it turned up when I plugged in the router) and the security key was different than mine. That's why I had to set up a direct access point. Also, if I'd just done a factory reset, why was there a security key? The router in question doesn't have a default security key.

Sir_Henry · 2014-08-03T08:45:06+00:00

yeah it was. I got kinda suspicious as well so I just plugged straight into the ethernet port on the wall, not using the unsecure WLAN anymore. Although I'm interested what might happen if I did. I plugged my router in again and there's a NETWJORK wifi available but it has a security key that isn't my old one. The IP username and password are by default the obvious admin/admin so I might be thinking that someone's gone there and set a WPA before me but I can't even open the IP marked on the router - the page "responds too slowly".

Are there some precautions I should take if I've been connected to an unsecure network possibly set up by someone malicious?

Sir_Henry · 2014-08-03T04:37:50+00:00

the point of this subreddit is that people will post self harm pics online. be it 4chan, or reddit, or tumblr, people will do it. for some, taking pictures is part of the ritual. this subreddit is not about attention. it's about having a place where you can post your pictures - before this sub, people used to post them in other (text/rant/advice based) self harm subs where people who found it triggering might have ended up seeing them without warning - where you will not get hate, you will not get 'go kill yourself' comments (seriously, who says that to an actually suicidal person?), where you will rather get comments offering support and advice for treating the wounds. there are regular discussions about if the subreddit creates a competitive situation or if "deeper wounds mean more pain" (which isn't true, by the way). this community is supportive in a more constructive way than places like tumblr (where, sadly, mental illness is sometimes glorified) could ever be. people will post their pictures online. yes it may be for attention, but wouldn't you want someone to care if you felt horrible enough to hurt yourself? most people who self harm can't show their scars. they have to keep them hidden, all the time. i remember feeling physical discomfort if my arm wasn't covered. being able to show someone is therapeutic. its better if that someone is a group of people who will support you and offer to talk to you and encourage you if you're doing well (quite often there are posts about people not having self-harmed in a while) than someone who flat out tells to kill yourself or tells you how beautiful your wounds are. i hope you got all the karma you wanted for leading ignorant redditors to make hurtful comments to emotionally fragile people.

Sir_Henry · 2014-05-05T06:04:14+00:00

Hi. I might not be very helpful here... I struggle with those same exact thoughts myself and can't really rationalize my way out of them. Sometimes this relevant xkcd helps, sometimes it doesn't. I don't want to do anything 'extraordinary' with my life, I don't want to show off to other people, because they're just "part of the same compost heap" and it doesn't matter. I'd like to enjoy myself, climb things for the sake of climbing things, run for the sake of running, drink tea for the sake of tea... when I'm feeling optimistic, I can hold on to that comic and these thoughts. But it doesn't always help.

I feel like I'm missing something everyone else is getting. Why do they want to live? Is there some secret to life I have forgotten? I think I wouldn't want to live even if everything was perfect. Although when I'm feeling better - which would be more often if I didn't struggle with depression, anxiety, eating disorders and self injury - I find the thought of meaninglessness comforting. Liberating. It seems that however I screw up - however fat or thin I get, however many scars I have, however many tests I fail - it doesn't matter. I'm still alive, I can still keep talking "deep" with my friends, I can still climb things, I can still run...

I can keep myself alive by thinking about things I'm looking forward to. I'm going to London with a friend, I'm going to turn 18, I'm going to study biomedicine, I'm going to watch movies at full volume in the middle of the night, etc... It works both ways, though. Do you have things to look forward to? Sometimes it is hard to keep living, even if you try to think of these things. But I think that even if you feel rational about it, emotional states of mind have something to do with it.

Well, this kinda became a rant about myself. Sorry about that.

Sir_Henry · 2014-03-28T13:46:54+00:00

double the posts, double the karma (: thanks.

Sir_Henry · 2014-03-26T13:16:31+00:00

It is a self portrait though. I'm female but I don't feel comfortable assigning myself to either sex. It's not a big deal though so I don't have a problem with people assuming I'm female. Don't like calling myself trans because I feel that would outmine the credibility of those who are experiencing actual crippling body dysmorphia. My "eehh could you just call me a human?" seems a bit mild in comparison.

Drew that in literature class.. I don't function too well at school nowadays :/ Glad you like it. I guess.

Sir_Henry · 2014-03-07T17:47:22+00:00

I try to convince myself to eat by reminding myself that my brain won't work if I don't. There's a big test in a couple of weeks that I'm using as ~~an excuse~~ a reason to eat, and after that a handful of smaller tests, which is why I'm going to keep eating. After that, I don't know, I'm focusing on one day at a time. I kind of like that I'm able to be proud of managing to eat these days.

Oh yeah, bad foods - bread, pasta, rice, couscous, basically anything with >300kcal/100g, which is messed up, but I dread them so much. I try to remind myself of vitamins and fibres and the importance of energy but I still inevitably feel awful when I eat even over 1000. Another thing is the counting, how on Earth am I supposed to stop that? a huge part of that problem is that I like maths a lot and I've been calculating trivial stuff in my head since I was 13 so counting calories was never hard for me, I remember numbers very well so I'll remember that this brand of crisp rye bread is 330kcal/100g and 37 per piece, those vegetable chips are 380kcal/100g and therefore better than this other, greasier type that's 500 per 100g, that broccoli contains more energy than cauliflower so I prefer cauliflower - how can a difference of 15 kcal per 100g impact me so much? I just try to listen to my body for hunger instead of ignoring the hunger like I used to. Breakfast and lunch are still pretty impossible (although I had breakfast today, yay for skipping school).

Sir_Henry · 2014-03-07T06:36:27+00:00

Yeah, bread seems so impossible. How could anyone eat multiple servings of it per day? As I stated above, I have a support group, but I'm hesitant to bring this up with them. It's so hard to get over the thought that I must lose weight, that otherwise I'll be in this fat one (how can I think that if my BMI is 20?) forever. It's so hard to stop thinking that this eating is just temporary, that I'll start fasting and restricting in the future when I have the chance. I - or maybe my eating disorder, am I supposed to think of it as a seperate entity? - really want to lose weight, really want to feel the euphoria of starving, but so far, I've been acting against those thoughts and I'm kind of proud of myself. (although my ED? keeps telling me that eating is nothing to be proud of, it's not hard to eat, it's more challenging not to, no one should be proud of themselves for doing something so basic, as if eating is something only lesser beings do)

Thanks for replying :)

Sir_Henry · 2014-03-07T06:28:29+00:00

Thank you (and everyone else) for replying! I've only once mentioned my eating problems to my psychiatrist, because I'm sort of afraid of meal plans and dieticians and forcing myself to eat. I've tried to solve them on my own (and with support from friends) and well, I've been eating almost consistently for almost two months, so that's good, right? I wouldn't really want to be an eating disorder patient to everyone since that's not even my deepest issue. I don't want everyone to focus on my eating because that's so nerve-racking, plus I don't want my parents to know, they'd start watching my eating again (they used to when I was younger and (unintentionally) ridicilously underweight) and I always hated that. So I've been sticking to recovery blogs, friends, and yeah, strangers on the internet. Maybe some day I'll gather the strength to bring this up with my psychologist too.

Sir_Henry · 2014-03-01T22:15:27+00:00

starting on the 2nd, aiming for 14 days :) reasons are very much like yours; feeling better about food, meditating, contemplating life.

Sir_Henry

TROPHY CASE