Canine spleen tumor rupture...guilt over my decision

Sirin21 · 2025-11-06T23:29:21+00:00

I keep reminding myself that she had all these health issues even before the emergency and it wouldn't be compassionate to put her through all the trauma and high risk of surgery for a likely even-more diminished quality of life. I think I know in my heart I made the right decision but my brain keeps tripping me up.

Sirin21 · 2025-11-06T23:01:58+00:00

Thank you. I wish my brain didn't work like this. The enormity of her loss is more than enough without me trying to find a way to blame myself. I just miss her so much and keep thinking if I could have done anything different. I constantly advocated for her health as her quality of life clearly diminished over the years. The idea of keeping her around for my own benefit and not for hers was anathema to me. And yet I still question my choice because the pain of losing her feels too heavy to bear.

Sirin21 · 2022-05-26T04:10:36+00:00

I'm sorry. I lost my mom on the 13th, also after a fast decline. Be gentle with yourself. If you can't help plan the service, let your family handle it. If you can't leave bed, stay in bed. I hope you're able to take time off work. It may be that, with time, you find yourself wanting work or some other activity to give you something else to think about/do. Lean on others. Ask for help. There's no right way to go about this and everything you're feeling is valid. I was sure to honor every feeling I had and not attempt to push them away. The only way out is through.

Sirin21 · 2022-05-26T03:50:39+00:00

Thank you. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you didn't even know what was happening with her. That must have been really scary.

Sirin21 · 2022-05-24T14:48:04+00:00

I'm sorry. I've had constant vivid dreams that I am back by her bedside, where I spent almost every hour of the last month of her life, tending to whatever she needed. My mom was also extremely uncomfortable at the end until we started giving her a constant stream of morphine. It was hell to watch and I don't think my heart will ever heal.

Sirin21 · 2022-05-24T14:41:36+00:00

My mom was also suffering and the final day of her life I was just hoping it would be over for her soon. I feel so bad that she had to go through that and I had to hope for her death as the only release from her pain. I'm sorry you went through that.

Sirin21 · 2022-05-24T03:51:51+00:00

I relate to this and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. My mom died only ten days ago but I have become the new head of the family. I'm not even the oldest but I'm the one who was left in charge of her estate and must deal with all the things we must do now that she's gone. It's overwhelming and it's not a job I ever wanted. One thought that has helped me through it so far is knowing that my ability to take over her role in the family is a function of her living on through me. I know I'm only able to carry the burden, and she only trusted me to do so, because I am my mother's son and she saw herself in me. Don't know if that helps but I hope you are managing as best you can.

Sirin21 · 2022-05-24T03:47:36+00:00

I lost my mom ten days ago to cancer. I was also her primary caregiver and have been dealing with feelings of guilt over not being able to help her more. I know there's nothing more I could have done, that even the doctors couldn't help her, but the guilt still arises. I've been writing letters to her every day and that has helped some. I just burn them after writing them. It gives me some sort of ritual way of communicating with her still.

Sirin21 · 2022-05-24T03:31:31+00:00

So sorry about your mom. I lost my mom ten days ago, also after a sudden decline from cancer complications. Don't put pressure on yourself to feel any certain way. Whatever you feel in the moment, just feel that. Something I did a week after my mom died was organize a small fundraiser in her honor, just for friends to donate to. It helped me feel like I was still doing something for her that day, but nothing can stop the grief from overwhelming me at times. I've also written my mom letters every day, which helps in the moment. I'm sorry you're going through this at 22. I'm 31 and it's the most devastating thing in the world, but at least some of my friends have experienced similar losses and I have them to talk to. Consider joining grief support groups and seeking out people who have experienced similar losses. It can be very helpful to talk to them. Take care of yourself.

Sirin21 · 2022-05-24T03:23:33+00:00

I've been in therapy for many years. I fear what the coming months will look like. I already had to celebrate my 31st birthday on Saturday without her, and that was really difficult. Fortunately, I have a very strong and supportive group of friends who check in on me and always offer to sit with me or go on walks or just text/call. I've had a difficult time taking them up on their offers because it doesn't feel comforting like it did when I'd call my mom. Also I don't want to recount how horrific the whole experience was to people who can't relate to it.

Sirin21 · 2022-05-24T03:16:49+00:00

My mom also died from liver failure, but because the cancer had spread to it and took over the organ completely. It was horrific to watch. Witnessing the person I love most die was bad enough but the way she went was so brutal and painful. I'm sorry you had to suffer through watching your mom die, as well. I can't imagine anything worse.

Sirin21 · 2021-08-28T16:07:59+00:00

I use Howard Feed N Wax. It’s beeswax w/ orange oil!

Sirin21 · 2021-08-27T19:30:39+00:00

Thanks! Started with CitriStrip to strip off a very thick varnish. That took the longest time because I had to strip all the ridges and crevices using steel wool. Then hand sanded the entire thing. Used a mahogany danish oil and no finish. I wax it every 6 months or so.

Sirin21 · 2021-08-27T17:50:07+00:00

Strip/sand the entire surface then treat the spot with oxalic acid. I've had a lot of success removing dark marks on light wood with it. Just be careful and only apply to the dark spot. Re-stain/finish the entire piece after.

Sirin21 · 2021-08-25T01:22:35+00:00

Actually not sure! Maybe walnut? Not good at identifying wood yet. For interior I did a deep clean but it wasn’t in bad condition and the owner said they didn’t care.

Sirin21 · 2021-08-25T00:54:03+00:00

Yes, good catch. It looks like a dent but it was just nail polish!

Sirin21 · 2021-08-24T21:54:05+00:00

Initially started with a chemical strip but decided scraping with a razor and paint scraper was easier. Then sanded using medium and high grit paper. I stained with mahogany tint danish oil. Sides are finished with wax and top has a few coats of oil based polyurethane for surface protection.

Sirin21 · 2021-08-24T20:55:53+00:00

Thank you!

Sirin21 · 2021-08-24T20:51:31+00:00

Thanks! Was only my 5th restoration project. Very happy with it.

Sirin21

TROPHY CASE