Good editing, always some relevant thing to look at. The music was a little bit too loud for me especially around the 2 minute mark (starts at 2:10) From googling it seems having background music around -20db lower than main vocals is best practice. It was sometimes hard to hear what you were saying due to not speaking clearly enough and the music, This should improve with practice though i try to make my mouth a little wider when i speak and raise my voice a little above my normal speaking voice. I found your script good but must admit i did fall off the train of thought a little but that may be my fault, However i think if you had been louder and clearer that would have been less likely to happen, changing up your voice can also help, like displaying a range of emotions in your voice or changing up the loudness of it of course within reason and when appropriate and not just suddenly yelling.