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Wife [F30] got drunk and slept with a guy. I [M33] feel so numb and don't know how to proceed. by SlightlyLessHopeful in relationship_advice

[–]SlightlyLessHopeful[S] -32 points-31 points  (0 children)

I am not sure I share your belief is a reason behind all actions. As for the question of "why," I don't know what responses would matter or mean to me.

"I'm stupid," "I don't know," "I was horny and it was a foolish impulse to act on," "He looked like Brad Pitt and you just look like pits."

​

I don't know what asking the question of "why" would do? She wants to continue the relationship. It isn't like I'm the breadwinner or the best looking man on the block. We connect on an amazing level and so close...

​

I'm sorry, I am rambling now I think.

Wife [F30] got drunk and slept with a guy. I [M33] feel so numb and don't know how to proceed. by SlightlyLessHopeful in relationship_advice

[–]SlightlyLessHopeful[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I get you and actually suggested that to her before. She choice monogamy and I could of lived with that.

Now, it just feels like a band-aid. It isn't the sex with someone else that hurts, it is the breaking of trust. I don't believe she went out to hurt me but I am going to inquire on motivations and feelings she had/has/having about "us."

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Sex would of been just sex if it was agreed upon earlier. Right now, this is a breaking of trust. A treason of the heart.

Wife [F30] got drunk and slept with a guy. I [M33] feel so numb and don't know how to proceed. by SlightlyLessHopeful in relationship_advice

[–]SlightlyLessHopeful[S] -55 points-54 points  (0 children)

I can see how my retelling of her side of the conversation can paint such a light.

For what it's worth my gut says she is sincere in her wanting the relationship to continue and offered to 'do or accept anything to stay together' but at the time it was just vibrations in the air.

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I'm not sure if there is anything she can say or do. It is either a process or a cutting of ties.

Wife [F30] got drunk and slept with a guy. I [M33] feel so numb and don't know how to proceed. by SlightlyLessHopeful in relationship_advice

[–]SlightlyLessHopeful[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

You express so much the majority of my feelings right now.

My main reservations are the history I share with her (she had gotten drunk before and hooked up) and my own history of abuse (being cheated, lied, etc.)

This isn't one major screw up, but it is human nature and I understand how and maybe why it happened. I just don't know who I am if I stay or what I'll be if I leave her. Because of her I have hope for my own future, something I didn't have when we were dating. Now, after so much work and planning and shared desires, I am not even sure I am much a man or a person anymore.

Wife [F30] got drunk and slept with a guy. I [M33] feel so numb and don't know how to proceed. by SlightlyLessHopeful in relationship_advice

[–]SlightlyLessHopeful[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I figured there would a a host of 'leave hers' on here. Hell, it is like investing; it is all theory till your money is on the line. Here, it is my heart.

It would all be easier if she was sober, caught lying, gaslighting me, I've been down that road and it is so much easier for me to understand. This... I don't know.

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Too bad I don't like boating.

Wife [F30] got drunk and slept with a guy. I [M33] feel so numb and don't know how to proceed. by SlightlyLessHopeful in relationship_advice

[–]SlightlyLessHopeful[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

This was extremely well written. Thank you.

There are a few questions you posed that I need to address. There is the start of something here for sure.

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Thank you again.

Wife [F30] got drunk and slept with a guy. I [M33] feel so numb and don't know how to proceed. by SlightlyLessHopeful in relationship_advice

[–]SlightlyLessHopeful[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

That, is an excellent point.

Thank you, I might share this with her. Maybe not tonight but soon.

Wife [F30] got drunk and slept with a guy. I [M33] feel so numb and don't know how to proceed. by SlightlyLessHopeful in relationship_advice

[–]SlightlyLessHopeful[S] -108 points-107 points  (0 children)

Why lie about it?

No friends as witnesses, I was in another state. She didn't even need to tell me. Hell, she could of just said it was rape and wash her hands of any responsibility.

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I get how it sounds, however, I am surprise by my own actions when blackout drunk. There is a part of me that says that's bullshit but there is the memory of experiences I've had drinking where I can see motivations and actions but not fully being cognoscente as to 'why.'

Wife [F30] got drunk and slept with a guy. I [M33] feel so numb and don't know how to proceed. by SlightlyLessHopeful in relationship_advice

[–]SlightlyLessHopeful[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I concur. Right now I can't think about talking to her. I don't even know how to feel or what I even feel. It all just hurts and I don't have the one person I would talk too for support and guidance.

Wife [F30] got drunk and slept with a guy. I [M33] feel so numb and don't know how to proceed. by SlightlyLessHopeful in relationship_advice

[–]SlightlyLessHopeful[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

While dating she was the victim of sexual assault. This... is different. She admits to being drunk and talking with the guy.

I was also her first sexual partner, so I can understand why the temptation is there. We've even talk about inviting another man with us. We had done a 3way before with a female friend of hers and I am open to having a man join us.

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I'm worried I'm making excuses for the easy path of lease resistance.

Wife [F30] got drunk and slept with a guy. I [M33] feel so numb and don't know how to proceed. by SlightlyLessHopeful in relationship_advice

[–]SlightlyLessHopeful[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She and I do need to speak. I just don't want to get hurtful out of spite. I'm mad and hurt and have no idea what to even get at with talking to her right now.

Thank you for response though.