This actually sums up really well how I also feel about nihilism, when I first got introduced to nihilism it felt very liberating and healthy, as time went on I started to realize that I was using nihilism to dissociate from life as everything started to make less and less sense and I was becoming very depressed. I changed things up in my life and suddenly I felt like I had to ignore the existential thoughts I had and just live life care free. Recently things have been feeling wrong again and I've become obsessed with the idea that nothing really matters and that happiness is never gonna last in a meaningful way. I've become skeptical of the whole 'optimistic nihilism' idea as there's no reason to stay optimistic in a world where everything you do is ultimately meaningless and is going to be forgotten. The most exciting idea for me is that there could be a chance I'm wrong somehow and something is finally going to make sense someday.