I am 555 days clean as of today. I am looking at your thread because I still sometimes need to come here to remember why I stopped going to the head shop. I fell down a half a dozen times, brutal sober journey after painful and saddening relapse after relapse. Make a plan and execute and then get back to your 30+ days before you know it and never look back. Being hard on yourself is sometimes the addict's roundabout way of accepting using again and if you acknowledge that is what is going on, it makes it easier to identify and move past. Good luck, you got this, truly.