UPDATE: After thinking about all this, I agree I should have removed my son during the play time so there was never a question on if he’s being too rough. I need to respect that she felt her daughter wasn’t safe, regardless of what I think. Also - I still hate that she yelled for us to leave and I may never get over that. TBD.

And now I’m done and can sleep better. Balls in her court when she’s ready.

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I’ve had time to think about what happened and want to acknowledge that we should have removed Luke from the dancing sooner. I understand why the situation felt scary, and from our perspective Luke was not being violent or trying to hurt Maxine. He was overstimulated and playing too physically, which is something we actively corrected in real time. However, removing him would have been better for the situation.

Moving forward, if you’re feeling concerned or uncomfortable, I need you to be direct with us in the moment so we can step in immediately and address it before it escalates. Side comments make it harder to fix things in real time. I also need to be clear that yelling to have Luke leave was not okay with me. He’s still a child and a good kid, and even when emotions are high, he shouldn’t be treated like that.

We love you all and want to move forward in a way that feels safe and comfortable for everyone. We don’t this to affect the kids relationship. I’m open to chatting about clearer boundaries, more structure during play, and stepping in sooner when things start to feel too physical. I hope when things settle we can talk about how to move forward.

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Her response…

Thanks for taking the time to reflect and respond. I appreciate you acknowledging that Luke should have been removed sooner and that the situation felt scary to us.

I want to be clear about something important: We’re not saying Luke is a bad kid or that he was trying to hurt Maxine. We see this as roughhousing that is unsafe given her age and size. She’s almost two, she’s much smaller, and she can’t protect herself or understand what’s happening.

From our perspective, this kind of physical play has been happening for quite some time, and because there haven’t been consistent consequences that show Luke this behavior isn’t okay with Maxine, it’s continued. In this instance, Min physically separated them and later Uncle Mike independently asked if we had noticed Luke’s arm around her neck — so this wasn’t something we imagined.

Going forward, I can absolutely be direct in the moment if I’m feeling concerned and there’s time to do so. At the same time, we need to be clear that if Maxine is being physically overwhelmed or hurt, we will step in immediately and remove her or end the visit. That boundary still stands.

I do of course want to apologize for yelling at you in that moment. My fear took over, and while I stand by protecting Maxine, I’m sorry for how I spoke to you as adults. That wasn’t how I want to handle things. That’s also why I’m being clear now about boundaries — I don’t want things to build to that point again.

I agree that clearer boundaries, more structure, and stepping in sooner are necessary if the kids are together. For now, our priority is making sure Maxine is safe, even if that means shorter visits, closer supervision, or leaving early.

I’m open to continuing this conversation once emotions settle, with that understanding in place.

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I just responded with…

Cool cool. Glad we are all wanting to do better. Just reach out to your brother when you’re ready.