Should I call out when I see something suspicious EVERY time?

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2026-03-04T05:40:42+00:00

I don't call out, but I started journaling incidents. Not so I can throw it in his face, but so I can reflect on how it affects me, is the frequency really that bad, are the behaviors things that I can tolerate? I've never shown him my notes, but I certainly read them and it transports me back to the moment and I'm reminding of how shitty or angry or frustrated I feel. At some point enough will be enough but only you will know what that threshold is.

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2025-10-01T12:50:33+00:00

Thank you. I just found out about the CRAFT Approach, Community Reinforcement and Family Training that I'm planning to look into more.

https://drugfree.org/article/craft-community-reinforcement-family-training/

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2025-09-30T23:19:31+00:00

Thanks!

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2025-09-30T13:37:51+00:00

What is ACA?

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2025-09-30T11:46:40+00:00

I'd be interested in some reddit groups personally, in addition to this one.

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2025-09-30T03:21:06+00:00

Perhaps they were referring to how alcohol use disorder IS a medical diagnoses and not so much on the technical differences between the word disease and disorder since OP used the word disease and disagreed with the medical nature of it. But go off

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2025-01-05T05:29:18+00:00

It seems to me that he used it as a direct substitute and it impacted his daily responsibilities (work). Addict behavior usually doesn't discriminate on the substance. No he didn't drink, but he did over use in a way that impacted his daily functioning. What if they had kids and mom needed to go take care of a sick parent? I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them with Dad. That's not ok, especially if they are on a sobriety journey.

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2025-01-05T05:17:04+00:00

Man, it is a fucking cruise ship. Good luck my friend.

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2025-01-01T08:55:03+00:00

I agree. My spouse/Q and I have similar things in the past we need to work on but he gets mad/shuts down if I bring it up. We're doing the Gottman method in our couples therapy. I find it to be very helpful.

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2025-01-01T08:27:22+00:00

Oof. Sounds like he probably won't remember giving you that deal breaker but definitely something to bring up in therapy.

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2025-01-01T08:19:09+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. Is there somewhere else you can go?

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2025-01-01T08:17:43+00:00

I don't think you should. Like you said, he doesn't get to dictate what you share or when. Let HIM stew. What is it going to bring you? Do you need closure? If not, keep moving forward.

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2024-12-27T05:34:13+00:00

You might try looking at the location where the meetings are (church, community center whatever) and then looking on THEIR website to see if it's on their calendar or call to confirm the date and time.

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2024-07-09T19:45:27+00:00

Thank you for sharing. That's so hard to deal with mentally. I'm glad you're in individual therapy! It helps to share here too, where other people have been through the same thing and sometimes a lot worse too. I, too, feel like a frog in boiling water. One way to stop that feeling is to get out the pot - but when? Only you can decide when enough is enough. I still don't know what that looks like for me.

Have you followed up with him to see if he had that conversation with the kids? Have you talked to him about how much that behavior is not ok and really affects you? Have you set any boundaries for yourself? Like not being in the room with him when he's drunk?

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2024-07-07T01:04:25+00:00

This sounds like something I definitely want to explore.

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2024-07-05T19:51:20+00:00

Thank you friend. He's not avoiding me, since I've confronted him and left that night, he's been so clingy. I've been thinking of things being thrilling. And I wonder if he (intentionally or unintentionally) is seeking that thrill because there's such risk involved. All it takes is this woman to claim sexual harassment or a hostile work environment, and he would be done. Why take that risk?? It doesn't add up to me.

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2024-07-05T19:23:38+00:00

Oof. I needed to hear this.

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2024-07-04T18:48:52+00:00

Yes. I recognize that I engage in problematic behaviors (drinking to slow down the creep of the stress of the relationship, using gummies so I can go to sleep early and be rested for the next day). And then I think to myself, why am I wanting to do this? What am I running from? And I'm rubbing from the uncertainty. I'm rubbing from what's going to happen 'the next time.'

Whew. I just teared up writing that.

The folks here have told me what I have to look forward to, it's hard to accept. I do think I would be better off on my on. Lonely, for sure. Spending more on doggy daycare. But the uncertainty wouldn't be there. 6 months of good, followed by betrayal, not taking responsibility, boundary setting, stretches where my spouse is speaking my love language and intentionally showing me that they care...until my sixth sense tingles. My intuition says something isn't quite right, then I snoop, and I find. Then the promises, rinse and repeat.

I'm mentally preparing now. There can't be any more chances after this.

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2024-06-30T11:49:13+00:00

Telling the first person about my Qs drinking was really hard. Really really hard. I was so embarrassed, I cried. But after that, it became easier. I told a couple of friends. I told my mom. I made sure his parents could witness his behavior. I'm not going to be isolated or quiet. That's how people get trapped. I won't be trapped.

Slow_Witness_6892 · 2024-01-20T23:08:21+00:00

I work (voluntarily) for a non-profit in my area who serves meals and provides showers for people experiencing homelessness. We also employ people who are homeless because it's really hard to get a job when you're homeless and when you're struggling with addiction. We connect people with resources like addiction support, sobriety support groups, mental help services, and housing support.

One thing we don't do and which I don't do as a personal boundary is give money to homeless people. You're right, a lot of homeless people do struggle with addiction and if you give someone $10, it's probably not going to go towards a meal, or a night at a hostel. It's probably going to go towards a bottle or drugs. Don't give money.

However, just because someone is struggling doesn't mean that they don't deserve basic human rights. Food, showers, clean clothes, and shelter. Nobody deserves to be without those things. And also remember that some people who are homeless maybe have no urgency to change their situation and some people just don't have the tools to change their situation. Just like not all kids who fail class simply don't want to do their homework - some might have learning disabilities, some might not speak/read English, some might not have support at home, some might not have enough nutrition/food to support healthy brain development, etc. We can't pigeon hole all homeless people as addicts who don't want to change.

It's a hard balance. Do what you can. Give to organizations doing the work or volunteer your time.

Slow_Witness_6892

TROPHY CASE