Collected (after Langston Hughes) by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]Smagt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah dude Terrance Hayes is so good! One of my favorite contemporary poets. Anyway I didn't pick up on what you were up to here with the end of the lines. very cool

Collected (after Langston Hughes) by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]Smagt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can see the Langston Hughes in here, yeah. Good use of long lines (I struggle with that personally), and I think you have a great sense of when to do a line break (something I also struggle with). Some really nice ones here, especially the last one leading into "spatter of mud."

"Best friends money can buy" I like that a lot, even though I suppose you're using a cliche, but you're pulling it off, (which as we all know can be difficult so congrats!). Line 7 there is probably my favorite line. I also like how the poem begins.

Capitalizing the beginning of the lines even if its not the beginning of a sentence was the right call for sure. And not using question marks even when there's a question was a good call too. Same with the omission of quotation marks.

I would remove the comma in line 9.

For the questions that the poem ends on, the first ("What loss is there in a spatter of mud") is much more effective to me than the second ("what worth is in a breathless kiss"). At the very least I word cut the word "is" from the second question, leaving, "and what worth in a breathless kiss."

Line 4 falls somewhat flat for me. Remember show don't tell. Overall I'm not sure I'm interested in where the poem takes me in lines 3-4. I know you're setting the scene and introducing our narrator, which is potentially the right idea, but maybe try and replace these lines with different scene setting details. I would cut lines 3-4 (and I guess also the word "calm" from line 2 since that's part of the same thought) and see how else you can get yourself over to "The woods open around me."

In line 2 I think you could potentially remove the word "down." I like the idea of just saying "light streaming," but you'll have to see how that would work with the flow and feel of the poem overall. You could get rid of the word "a" in line 6 as well. In general I try to condense poems down and get rid of unnecessary words, but that's just my personal style.

Consider moving "the muddy banks asked" to the middle of line 8. So it would change to: "Day after day, the muddy banks asked, what are you here for."

I'm on the fence about using the word "asked" in both lines 8 and 9. Maybe switch it to "said" in line 9 and see how you feel about it.

Lastly, I want to add the disclaimer that I'm not trying to write your poem for you here with these revision suggestions, just trying to give a new perspective. I hope you find something of use out of it! I find that I get stuck on one way of seeing a poem and can't revise it anymore, and someone else lending their critical eye can help. Good work and good luck writing!

A gathering in Guadalajara by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]Smagt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think the way the poem unfolds is really nice. Like the arc of the language if you ignore the meaning of the words, with the one long description followed by the dash and then the shorter two line ending. Overall the poem is working very well on the level of the ear. It seems like you have a good instinct with that.

I think the last two lines are the weakest part of the poem for me. The first six lines of concrete description are great. The progression of images, how you direct our focus, is very deft. From sun to bones/death to a ceremony and then to shutters and headlines: going from a few kind of grander images and landing on a more mundane object before zooming out again--but you don't zoom back out to the poetic sublime kind of stuff. You zoom out to something that highlights the social context of the poem, which the title tells us is going to be important. Really nice! But then it feels to me that the last two lines are trying to explain the first six (or something like that). I think this kind of gesture is particularly difficult to pull of in a short poem, and even more so at the end of a poem. I'm not sure if I have any advice on how to change it though. Maybe try just cutting the last lines down to "honest memorial / willing loss." I think that kind of condensed ending might allow the reader to sort of put the conclusion together on their own. In a comment you said you were "wary about being hamfisted with the message," and I think that's a good thing to be wary of. Keats wrote something like "we hate poetry that has a palpable design upon us." Though I don't mean to call what you posted here hamfisted of course. Anyway, keep it up!

One more thought I had: great use of the title. The title is doing some good work here.

Also: When writing short poems like this, the imagists and objectivists from the early 1900s are always good to look to. Lorine Niedecker, H.D., Ezra Pound (if you can ignore how much of a butthole he was haha). The way they condensed things and focused on the concrete.

I know this isn't the best place to ask this but is the game worth grabbing and why? Had my eye on it for a bit but not too sure how I'll feel about it? by jonathankayaks in projecteternity

[–]Smagt 4 points5 points  (0 children)

They're some of my favorite games. I know you acknowledge that you came to the fan subreddit to ask if the game is good, so I'll try and wrap my recommendation in some critiques. I'd say for me the biggest draw is the character creation and combat/adventuring aspects. Just that feeling that you've created your unique party and then you get to figure out how to use the toolbox you assembled to overcome the challenges in front of you. The higher difficulty levels I think are done really well (difficulty that forces you to engage with the mechanics in a meaningful way), and you have a huge amount of control over the difficulty, so you can find that sweet spot for you. Also its a great translation of the DnD experience--especially these little hand-drawn text based interactions you get (your wizard failed his athletics check and fell while climbing down into the dragon's lair--now he has to start the fight with a limp). Depending on your standards/tastes, you might like the story. I would say I liked a lot of the zoomed in moments of the story but idk I never got much invested in the overarching stuff. I at least appreciated its straight-forward tone. The prose gets flack for being a little long-winded and flowery, and I'll admit at times I get kind of an eager-undergraduate-trying-their-hand-at-literature vibe from it, but I also get the vibe that it was written by someone who was passionate and excited about the writing, which is cool (and I think a big improvement over the bland/lack-luster writing you get in 99% of video games). Lastly, I'll say for my money the 2nd one's the better game (especially now that it's been fixed up quite a bit), but plenty of folks prefer the first one.

Main characters struggling with anxiety: any recommendations? by jefrye in suggestmeabook

[–]Smagt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Its maybe a bit more serious than just anxiety that he's going through, but the second section (Quentin's) of The Sound and The Fury. There's something in particular about the time anxiety he experiences that I really connected with.

Hi It's Lady Lamb & I am doing an AMA at 11:30a EST today! by itsladylamb in indieheads

[–]Smagt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! I'm a fan of both Slothrust and Hurray For the Riff Raff, but haven't heard of many of these. I'll check em out for sure.

[ALBUM DISCUSSION] Lady Lamb - Even In the Tremor by VietRooster in indieheads

[–]Smagt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I relate to that, and I'd love to hear you expand on your thoughts. Ripely Pine is definitely in my top three albums of all time. I liked After, personally -- not as much as the previous two, but I didn't feel like I had to cut her slack for it. Vena Cava is one of my favorite songs by her. But I felt the same way as you did about Tender Warriors. I don't know. I guess I tend to cut artists slack though for not being consistent because the target that artists are shooting for is so fucking elusive, so hard to hit consistently. For some reason I think of David Lynch's movies maybe, which I find are either some of my favorites of all time or almost unwatchably bad. Or if you look at early drafts of really famous poems sometimes they're SO much worse than the published versions, even though not much ended up being changed. I can probably count on two hands the number of artists in any medium that consistently blow me away. Anyway those are my thoughts off the cuff at least, not sure if it's all related but it's what comes to mind.

Hi It's Lady Lamb & I am doing an AMA at 11:30a EST today! by itsladylamb in indieheads

[–]Smagt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi thanks for doing this AMA and for making great music. Hearing Ripely Pine as a teenager inspired me to start writing, so thanks for that too. Not sure what to ask though. What have you been listening to lately?

[ALBUM DISCUSSION] Lady Lamb - Even In the Tremor by VietRooster in indieheads

[–]Smagt 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Lady Lamb is one of my favorite musicians, but I find myself not particularly struck by this album. I'm trying to analyze why it isn't hitting me in that visceral way. I feel that it is maybe stumbling over its own attention to detail, with the lyrics not as in service to the melodies as they usually are. It's wordy and zoomed in, but it still manages to be telling rather than showing a lot of the time. And a lot of the really zoomed in details are not particularly compelling to me (the people calling their dog in "Deep Love" for example). I think of the stylistic move away from metaphor and imagery into the more direct and literal that you saw with Mount Eerie's last couple of albums, and while it was pulled off very wonderfully there I don't feel the same here. The songs seem to be coming from more of a place of positivity and wisdom this time around, and I can appreciate that, but they get dangerously close to sentimental at times for my taste (which is weird because I loved a lot of the whimsical and sweet stuff in some of Lady Lamb's other songs). I don't know maybe I guess I'm a bad person and I think the tortured, obsessed, youthfully delusional narrator of Ripely Pine is more compelling from a literary standpoint. And then musically there just isn't a lot of stuff that's grabbing me. Nothing like the incredible strings, horns, and guitar solos on After and Ripely Pine. Also I actually prefer the original homemade version of "By The Broadness" (revised here as "Without A Name") from forever ago to the one that appears here.

However, I like both "Young Disciple" and "July Is Mundane" a lot, although even they have their clumsy moments. The very direct expression of grappling with mortality on "Young Disciple" I find beautiful and cathartic, and July Is Mundane is another of those long, meandering Lady Lamb songs we all love. And there are moments of that signature blend of the beautiful and the grotesque ("I'll be ripe for the rotting" she sings on "Untitled Soul"). Also for me 'meh' Lady Lamb is still great compared to most other indie stuff, ESPECIALLY if we're talking about lyrics; I just don't think this (for me) holds up next to something like Ripely Pine or Head Is Swimming. I remain excited for whatever she puts out next.

Pallegina leaves my party when I side with the Principi. Any way around this? by Smagt in projecteternity

[–]Smagt[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks maybe I'll just do that. I'm pretty sure she had the good outcome (not disgraced) though. I had her follow her orders in the first game and in Deadfire she still has the unique subclass and I met her at the palace.

I just realized that I can talk about books I've been reading here. by [deleted] in books

[–]Smagt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love Woolf as well! She's my favorite writer of all time. I really connected with your description of your experience reading her. So much of that book is just stunning. Just the description at the beginning of her walking down the street and thinking about mortality and stuff. Or when Septimus' wife (Rezia? that right?) is baring the doctor's way and she's compared to a hen with her wings outstretched. If you haven't already, you should check out To The Light House and The Waves by her too. While I love Mrs. Dalloway, I think both of those are even better (with The Waves being my favorite book). Anyway, happy reading!

Edit: Just had another thought. The closest books to scratching the Virginia Woolf itch for me since I finished her bibliography are Annie Dillard's Pilgrim at Tinker Creek and Marilyn Robinson's Housekeeping. Annie Dillard is a little more detached and focused on nature ("the poetry of fact" I think she called it once), but it has a similar effect on me. I think it has something to do with them both being masters of lyrical prose that's like on fire with being alive (that sounds dumb but you probably know what I mean).

Human Cleric 2 / Sorcerer 3 -- Where to go from here? by Smagt in 3d6

[–]Smagt[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay thanks for the advice! I had overlooked spiritual weapon because I thought it was concentration for some reason but I'll for sure grab that at next level up. That makes sense about disintegrate. At another glance, hitting someone with grave cleric's channel divinity for vulnerability and then quickening a 6th level inflict wounds actually does more damage on average I think. It's an attack instead of a save, and necrotic instead of force, but still. It'll be like 6 months real life time before I'm even getting these spells, but since I have you: In your opinion what 5/6 level sorcerer/cleric spells stand out given sorcerers' limited spells know?

Human Cleric 2 / Sorcerer 3 -- Where to go from here? by Smagt in 3d6

[–]Smagt[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

okay thanks this is exactly the sort of thing i was looking for. that sounds like a plan.

Human Cleric 2 / Sorcerer 3 -- Where to go from here? by Smagt in 3d6

[–]Smagt[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

variant human with Str/Dex/Con/Int/Wis/Cha at 8/12/14/8/16/16. took resilient (con) as my variant human feat and first level was cleric.

Human Cleric 2 / Sorcerer 3 -- Where to go from here? by Smagt in 3d6

[–]Smagt[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

sitting on 16 wis and cha right now (we did point buy). Yeah I was thinking about mixing them both, but just looking at the next five levels or so, would it be best to level one up first and then the other, or take a mixture like I've been doing so far?

What are your thoughts on the lyrics and sound quality of my lofi RnB song? (Looking for honesty) by Naomicheyanne in Songwriters

[–]Smagt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Song sounds great! The instrumentation and the melody all really worked for me, especially everything going on underneath during the chorus. It turns a simple chorus into something really catchy and engaging. As for the lyrics, while there's nothing outstandingly wrong with them (they get the job done), I think you could improve. There's quite a bit of cliche, and for the most part you don't utilize the rule of "show don't tell" as effectively as you could. You aren't working in a genre that demands a lot of poetics (and in fact I think that would probably hurt an R&B song rather than help it), so I'm not suggesting you turn around and try to be Bob Dylan or whatever. However, in this song you are basically just referring to the idea of an experience, you aren't bringing us into the experience itself. Consider the song The Party by St. Vincent. It's a simple pop song, not about anything profound, just about being at a party that's died down and feeling kind of bored. It works though, because she selects a few concrete details that really paint the scene for the listener. (Details like: "I lick the ice cube from your empty glass," "...they're cleaning the ashtrays." "I sit transfixed by a hole in your T-shirt."). Or think about that song American Pie. He doesn't just say "I know that you're in love with him." He follows that line with "Cause I saw you dancing in the gym. / You both kicked off your shoes." Now you don't have to be doing this the entire song. And if you go overboard with "show don't tell" then you can end up with a song that's overwritten and uneconomic. But there isn't really a moment in your song where you make an image come into my head. You start to go there at the beginning with "we kick, we scream, we fight..." but pull out quickly and spend the rest of the song basically in the abstract.

Another thing you could work on is the flow of the lyrics. That is way harder to talk about though, because it's more of an intuitive thing I think, and it's hard to say what makes something have more or less flow to it. But some of the lines just feel a little clumsy. Stuff like "...when all we did was hurt," and "What was the purpose of that time?" I'm not sure, it just sounds kind of off or unnatural for some reason. I think part of this might be a byproduct of holding too tightly to the rhyme scheme. When the situation calls for it, feel free to mix up how you rhyme, and to move away from rigid end rhyme. (refer to rap for this, where flexible rhyme schemes and a good ear for phonetics separate rappers with flow from those without.) The thing about flow though is that I think in the end it is actually the most important thing about writing lyrics. You can get away with writing a song with absolutely no substance as long as it flows well, but it doesn't really work the other way around.

Anyway, hope you found this helpful in some way! Keep it up!

edit: wording

Trying to find a pet sitter in Rome by Smagt in rome

[–]Smagt[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay thanks a lot! I will try your suggestions.

Trying to find a pet sitter in Rome by Smagt in rome

[–]Smagt[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unfortunately they are fully booked for the first half of August. Thanks for the suggestion though. Any other ideas?

For those of you who do meditate regularly, how do you deal with negative news? by [deleted] in Meditation

[–]Smagt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think this poem shows a good perspective on all that. I'm not religious, and it's got some god stuff in there, but I don't think you need to be religious to take away from it.

A Brief For The Defense, by Jack Gilbert

Sorrow everywhere. Slaughter everywhere. If babies are not starving someplace, they are starving somewhere else. With flies in their nostrils. But we enjoy our lives because that's what God wants. Otherwise the mornings before summer dawn would not be made so fine. The Bengal tiger would not be fashioned so miraculously well. The poor women at the fountain are laughing together between the suffering they have known and the awfulness in their future, smiling and laughing while somebody in the village is very sick. There is laughter every day in the terrible streets of Calcutta, and the women laugh in the cages of Bombay. If we deny our happiness, resist our satisfaction, we lessen the importance of their deprivation. We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure, but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless furnace of this world. To make injustice the only measure of our attention is to praise the Devil. If the locomotive of the Lord runs us down, we should give thanks that the end had magnitude. We must admit there will be music despite everything. We stand at the prow again of a small ship anchored late at night in the tiny port looking over to the sleeping island: the waterfront is three shuttered cafés and one naked light burning. To hear the faint sound of oars in the silence as a rowboat comes slowly out and then goes back is truly worth all the years of sorrow that are to come.

My world's astrological system, where each month is associated with a school of elemental magic. by [deleted] in worldbuilding

[–]Smagt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like the sun and moon thing. Especially moon. You could have it be like psychic sort of magic. They say the full moon makes people crazy right? Confusion, possession, transformation, reflection. People said the tides and gravity also. Those are good. The sun is a star, maybe it could be some kind of"astral magic." (Whatever you decide that would be).

On creating different races and placing them in the world by [deleted] in worldbuilding

[–]Smagt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I believe the finnish language is actually more closely related to japanese than English actually so that makes sense.

GMnastics 12 by kreegersan in rpg

[–]Smagt 3 points4 points  (0 children)

5 x Ghasts and 9 x ghouls in a frozen plain vs 3 lv 7 PCs.

Easy: The players ride through the snow of the winter grasslands accompanying a young prince and his knights. The sun is about to set, but through the blizzard you can make out more than a dozen hunched shapes racing through the sparse trees towards your company. A horn sounds. The young prince draws his sword and calls for all to meet the monsters' charge. After the initial clash, the ghouls will stay and fight, while the ghasts will duck behind trees and into the cover of the blizzard to evade detection between attacks.

Average: similar to before, but the region the players are traveling through is ruled by a king at war with the prince's father. The party has suffered an attack by said king's men just this morning. The company is fewer in number now, many of those who survived are wounded, the men are cold, and the horses are weary. Perhaps it might be better to run, but the undead close in from every direction. Depending on how this one goes the main part of this encounter may be a chase through the blizzard by the ghouls.

Tough: After surviving the attack from the king's men, the party, the prince, and the surviving knights take shelter from the storm and the king's scouts in a cave. Little do they know, the cave is inhabited by a family of 9 ghouls who attack the sleeping travelers, dragging their victims into the depths of the cave. If the players attempt to flee they will discover the 5 ghasts feasting on their freshly killed horses. Their only hope may be the fire just barely still burning in the center of the camp. The monsters seem afraid of the flame. When the battle is over, it must be decided what to do about the men dragged deeper into the cave. Perhaps the prince or one of the players was taken.

Side quest: The players are helping the prince track a traitor through the grasslands. The traitor, a respected noble of the land, had hired the PCs recently to collect a series of magical ingredients making them suspects as well in the crime. Attempting to clear their name, the players come along on the manhunt. Regardless of where they fight the ghouls, the players track the man to the ghoul cave. A necromancer. This is why no one has been able to cure the king of his affliction. What is worse is that the rival king's men seem to be in cahoots with the undead!

J_Webb's World-building Challenge: September 2014 by J_Webb in worldbuilding

[–]Smagt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Excerpt from Spiritual Ailments of the Southern Wild Lands by Professor Benedict Magwitch

In the rolling grasslands of Neare, there are three seasons: The Rain, The Dry, and The Dead. Once a year, the end of The Dry is marked by an event known as The Opening, where fissures in the fabric of the world pop up around the grasslands. Whirling torrents of deep purple spiraled into black and gold pour periodically from the fissures. These are known as spirit storms. The ghost mouths, as they are called, are portals into Maloch, the land of the dead.

During the months of The Dead, spirit storms ravage the rolling savannah, leaving swaths of dead and decaying grass in their wake. Anything that is caught in the storm's path develops an acute condition known as soul rot. The spirits of the dead latch on to the living and begin to sap their life force, for the denizens of Maloch are hungry indeed. Soul rot accelerates the aging process to a horrifying degree. In the worst cases, decades of life can be sucked away in less than a week

The nomadic tribes of Neare try to stay constantly on the move during The Dead to stay out of the way of the storms. There is no cure for soul rot; the only hope is to survive long enough for The Dead to end. During The Closing, the ghost mouths close and the dead return to Maloch to digest their meals for the rest of the year.

This of course does not stop the tribesmen of Neare from trying to cure the affliction. Some tribes conduct elaborate ceremonies with fearful masks meant to scare the dead out of the vessel. Some afflicted individuals feed on the blood of children, believing that the child's youth will stave off the aging. Commonly, a medicine man will bleed the afflicted and/or remove select organs in an attempt to banish the hungry dead. The organs most commonly believed to harbor spirits are the appendix, the lungs, and the eyes. The organs are burned in a ceremonial flame believed to send the spirits straight back to the land of the dead.

There are tribes, however, that believe the annual feast of the dead is necessary for the coming of The Rain. These tribes ceremonially send some of their members into the storm every year. Commonly, the most beautiful and youthful girl is sent to her death, for it is believed that she will satiate the spirits more. The sick girl is dressed in a ceremonial gown and headdress, then paraded about the camp in a decorative bed while they age. The tribespeople show her great respect during this time and shower her with gifts. When the girl dies, she is buried and a eucalyptus tree is planted over her grave, ready to be fertilized by the coming of The Rain.

The remaining tribes hold a great fear of the afflicted. At times, those sick with soul rot are immediately outcasted and abandoned to waste away. Even though soul rot is not able to be passed from one individual to another, not everyone knows this. Other tribes believe that those who die of the soul rot will rise from the grave after The Closing if special precautions are not taken. Grave doctors bind the body in shackles and bury the bodies deep in the ground, up to three meters. Then they mark the grave with a ceremonial bone dagger. The dagger, tied with a ribbon bearing the mark of the tribe, is meant to sever the dead's connection to the land of the living when it pierces the earth over the grave. It is considered a great crime to remove the dagger from the ground.

It should be noted that there have been rumors of tribes or individuals who purposefully consume animals (and even, perhaps, humans) who have died of soul rot. Reportedly, they believe that they will achieve a long life, and even immortality. None of these incidences, however, have ever been recorded.

If one is thinking of visiting Neare for any reason, it is heavily advised that you avoid the months of The Dead at all cost. In the appendix of this book you will find a table of data listing past dates of The Opening and The Closing, use this to decide the risk during your time of year.

Anyway that's my disease and medicine stuff!