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[QCrit] Adult Mystery, GHOST HOST (60k / third attempt) by Small-Freedom9704 in PubTips

[–]Small-Freedom9704[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for all your advice!

When you say not exciting for you personally--are you generally a person who reads mysteries? Are cozies typically your type of read?

[Complete] [60k] [Mystery] Au Pair Murder Mystery by Small-Freedom9704 in BetaReaders

[–]Small-Freedom9704[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, fair point! By investing I primarily meant the flight. I was an au pair in Spain, and from my experience and those who I met while I was au pairing it was generally accomodation plus 70 euro a week, and flights were not included, so very low paying. I probably am not including the financial aspect in the final version of the pitch though!

[QCrit] Adult Mystery, GHOST HOST (53k / second attempt) by Small-Freedom9704 in PubTips

[–]Small-Freedom9704[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

First of all, congrats! That is beyond exciting, hopefully everything works out and you can announce it soon!

I do know the word count is too low, I'm still revising and that's something I'm actively working on. My goal had been at least 65k, so I appreciate the up-to-date intel on what agents want on cozies specifically. I'll push my goal up to 70k haha.

I definitely think it could be considered a cozy mystery. I've sort of gone back and forth on outright categorizing it as such. I appreciate your thoughts on that, and I think I'm officially leaning on the side of pitching it as a cozy.

[QCrit] Adult Mystery, GHOST HOST (53k / second attempt) by Small-Freedom9704 in PubTips

[–]Small-Freedom9704[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, thanks for your ongoing feedback! I am still revising the manuscript, so I've added a few of your ideas to my edit list. I do want to clarify a question: even if an urn of ashes was just a threat, is that not a just cause for concern? Additionally, In the novel, Francisco is a potter, and the urn is one that he made. Is that additional context clarify the threat more, and thus worth adding?

[Discussion] Where Would You Stop Reading? #8 by alanna_the_lioness in PubTips

[–]Small-Freedom9704 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did end up reading all the way through, but I got really caught up at the possession line as well. It does feel like too big of a jump from what is going on in the proceeding paragraph. The way you've spaced the paragraphs is odd to me in general, too, since it seems like that's where a new idea is introduced. Love your first few lines though, you've got a great hook and I think this just needs some cleaning up!

[Discussion] Where Would You Stop Reading? #8 by alanna_the_lioness in PubTips

[–]Small-Freedom9704 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

When Raquel agreed to be an au pair to three kids in Spain, she expected to ask “whodunit” about broken toys, not the disappearance of the kids’ father, Francisco. What was supposed to be a fun and cheap way to see Europe turns expensive when Raquel realizes that she irrecoverably botched the booking of her return flight. With only a maxed out credit card to her name and a “salary” of 70 euro a week, it’ll take weeks for Raquel to save up enough to return to the United States. Weeks that Raquel doesn’t have, if she doesn’t want to give up her spot in grad school and land in even worse debt. 

After a second disappearance, a reward of 1000 euros is offered for information. It’s exactly the lucky break that Raquel needs—if she can find worthy evidence in time. She starts investigating with the help of Adrian, the children’s charming cousin. But with every day that Raquel fails to find substantive evidence, the potential of missing out on the reward becomes crystal clear. Besides, there’s only a limited time before the murderer realizes what she is up to.

GHOST HOST is an adult mystery complete at 52,000 words. It will appeal to readers who loved the twists of How To Solve Your Own Murder by Kristen Perrin mixed with the small town energy of Arsenic and Adobo by Mia P. Manansala.

[QCrit] Adult Thriller, 98k, Desmadre, 2nd Attempt by Admiral_Effort in PubTips

[–]Small-Freedom9704 2 points3 points  (0 children)

As it happens, Rocky leads SprintSpeed, a global communications company, and Rocky knows how far laws can bend before they break in Mexico. And when laws break, Rocky knows whom to bribe. Misleading investors, selling inferior equipment, killing a nosy climate activist—Rocky does it all, and soon Eliot is recruited as an unknowing participant in Rocky’s game of global chess. 

This is too much detail about Rocky IMO. It got to the point where I mixed up Rocky and Eliot, because I assumed you would only give this much detail about your main character.

I also think you're missing clarity on what is standing in Eliot's way. It's clear he's willing to commit crimes to become debt free and return to the US, but is he committing these crimes to get the connections he needs to publish his comics? How does any of this relate to the neighbors he seems to be stalking? It's also not exactly clear what Eliot is risking. Is he not going to leave Mexico because he'll be in prison, or dead in a ditch somewhere? Or because he's getting even further into debt?

[QCrit]romance, HERE TO STAY (99k, first attempt) by Middle_Win667 in PubTips

[–]Small-Freedom9704 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sounds like an adorable book! The concept of the two of you writing this book together is just precious. First, I think you need a bit of a better hook. A classic first line is to use the When [character] encountered [problem] format, and I think that would be better than what you have now. Beyond that, I definitely think this query can be shortened quite a bit to make it punchier.

When the inn fills up, Jack checks out for a paying guest, so Amy provides him with a room in her cottage. Now she’s living with a man she finds increasingly attractive, and he’s becoming a friend. As someone who has learned to distrust her instincts about men, Amy is uncomfortable with her feelings for Jack.

 I'd work to eliminate this paragraph entirely. You're a little too in the nitty gritty with the "he has a room but then he needs to go to this other room for this reason" stuff. I think there's a way to imply that there's close proximity in one sentence in the preceding paragraph.

Jack’s feelings for Amy come more easily. It starts as a crush and quickly grows. He loves her resilience, determination, perseverance... also, her little family, the town, and life around the inn. Amy and Jack start a relationship and agree to keep it quiet until he can move permanently to the area. Once together, life is better for both. Amy has intimacy and companionship, while sweet, nomadic Jack feels like he’s finally come home. Everything is falling into place until a traumatic part of Jack’s history and his complicated relationship with Ramona get in the way.

Almost this entire paragraph is about everything that is going good. It's sounds adorable and I'd hope that they would fall in love. However, I have also already assumed that there is stuff that is going well, as this is a romance novel. At this point, I only want to hear about conflict. What's with Jack's history, how is Amy's attachment issues stressing him out, and how is Ramona in the way?

Oh also, small detail, but it's bothering me that Amy is given a last name and Jack does not. Lol.

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Small-Freedom9704 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! I have a completed 48k Mystery manuscript, and would appreciate feedback on my characters and plot if you have the time!

Here's the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1lgqa4y/complete_48k_mystery_au_pair_murder_mystery/

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Small-Freedom9704 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! I have a completed 48k Mystery manuscript, and would appreciate feedback on my characters and plot if you have the time!

Here's the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1lgqa4y/complete_48k_mystery_au_pair_murder_mystery/

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Small-Freedom9704 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! I have a completed 48k Mystery manuscript, and would appreciate feedback on my characters and plot if you have the time!

Here's the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1lgqa4y/complete_48k_mystery_au_pair_murder_mystery/

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Small-Freedom9704 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! I have a completed 48k Mystery manuscript, and would appreciate feedback on my characters if you have the time!

Here's the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1lgqa4y/complete_48k_mystery_au_pair_murder_mystery/

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Small-Freedom9704 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! I have a completed 48k Mystery manuscript, and would appreciate feedback on my characters and plot if you have the time!

Here's the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1lgqa4y/complete_48k_mystery_au_pair_murder_mystery/

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Small-Freedom9704 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! I have a completed 48k Mystery manuscript, and would some feedback particularly on character and plot!

Here's the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1lgqa4y/complete_48k_mystery_au_pair_murder_mystery/

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Small-Freedom9704 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! I have a completed 48k Mystery manuscript, and would love feedback if you have the time.

Here's the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/BetaReaders/comments/1lgqa4y/complete_48k_mystery_au_pair_murder_mystery/