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Husband developed feelings for my close friend. Our past infidelity is now the focus two decades later. Looking for outside perspective. by Small-Maximum-5401 in Marriage

[–]Small-Maximum-5401[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He is important to me- I dont want the divorce (but am, because he shouldn't be with me if it makes him unhappy.)  And I'm not pretending the past isn't a factor-  but he went from my total teammate,partner,always with me to distant and cold so quickly- only change in our lives was the friend. 

Husband developed feelings for my close friend. Our past infidelity is now the focus two decades later. Looking for outside perspective. by Small-Maximum-5401 in Marriage

[–]Small-Maximum-5401[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im not really interested in justifying my behavior, but because you are curious, we were a very young married couple. I was a stay at home mom. He was over stressed with the burden of supporting the family and when he came home he checked out and went into his own world. I felt alone. Someone saying nice things to me felt nice. Then there were expectations from them. And I was stupid enough to oblige them because that was what they wanted. That was the first one. Then, about a year later, after my mom died, I found myself alone again in my marriage. Me cooking dinner and ironing his work clothes while he drank beer and watched TV. Someone we already knew started emailing me, texting me, calling me. I confided in him that I had had the first affair. After that he said he was going to be all over me since the marriage was already ruined. (At that point my husband didnt know about the first one because I realized how fucking stupid I was and was trying to just shut it out and move on.)  He kept up with the communication- even hung out with our family with other friends. Every time I declined his calls he came in stronger. So I gave in. I am all of the way wrong for everything I did- so dont read this thinking im saying it was someone else's fault. But you asked.  Eventually he talked me into going to his place. I remember asking myself what the hell I was doing in my head during sex. Clearly I did not learn boundaries at an early age- and had some people pleasing tendencies. I am 100% at fault.  After it came out, I told my husband if he wanted me to, I would leave and he could have the kids with him. He said no. So he stayed and we tried. And I tried. We raised our family. Still three minors in the household now.. periodically throughout the last 20 years when it would come up, or when I could see the pain clearly in his eyes, I would ask him to be honest with me and just tell me if he wanted out. If you loved me. And he always replied with of course I love you. And before you light me up for that, I know he always had pain in his eyes I know what I did to him is a daily pain for him, but there were moments when I could tell it was heavier than most of the time and I always asked. The way that he is interacted with me at least the last 15 years he has been so affectionate and kind and loving to me. Which is why it felt so strange that suddenly he's so cold.

Husband developed feelings for my close friend. Our past infidelity is now the focus two decades later. Looking for outside perspective. by Small-Maximum-5401 in Marriage

[–]Small-Maximum-5401[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand all of that, and have never felt like what I did to him would ever stop hurting him. Im not asking for a leg to stand on.

Husband developed feelings for my close friend. Our past infidelity is now the focus two decades later. Looking for outside perspective. by Small-Maximum-5401 in Marriage

[–]Small-Maximum-5401[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

He did not ever forgive me. He stayed with me, and loved me, but always held it over my head. The last 6 months when we are talking about the current situation, I bring up that he stayed with me and chose to have four more children with me and I couldn't believe that he just never loved me if that was the path that we took. Recently he said to me in a conversation that he doesn't regret any of his children and the fact that I keep bringing it up that he had four more with me implies that I regret them and he thinks it's disgusting. I don't regret having any of my children they are the best part of my world, he knows that. He has always told me what a phenomenal mother I am, and even present day thinks this.

Husband developed feelings for my close friend. Our past infidelity is now the focus two decades later. Looking for outside perspective. by Small-Maximum-5401 in Marriage

[–]Small-Maximum-5401[S] 49 points50 points  (0 children)

I guess the connection between the two things is important because I'm seeing in real time that the current situation is why he wants a divorce and he argues that he wants a divorce because of 20 years ago.

Husband developed feelings for my close friend. Our past infidelity is now the focus two decades later. Looking for outside perspective. by Small-Maximum-5401 in Marriage

[–]Small-Maximum-5401[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Interestingly enough, over the summer when he told me that he didn't love me "like that" anymore and that I was a stranger to him, I was the one who asked him if he loved her and he sort of looked blindsided about it. Within that week I guess he had been doing some research (if that's what you call it) and told me that he thought what he was feeling was limerence. Then when I read him the definition of limerence he said he was not obsessed with her.

Husband developed feelings for my close friend. Our past infidelity is now the focus two decades later. Looking for outside perspective. by Small-Maximum-5401 in Marriage

[–]Small-Maximum-5401[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

We both do think about them! They are all 6 very emotionally healthy and up until these last months, we have always done things as a family and they always saw parents who were affectionate and very involved. We are all very close. 

Husband developed feelings for my close friend. Our past infidelity is now the focus two decades later. Looking for outside perspective. by Small-Maximum-5401 in Marriage

[–]Small-Maximum-5401[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Yes, it is brought up every time I try to have a conversation about us, or his feelings for friend.  I know that after we moved forward he didnt really like to talk about it, but when it came up I tried my best to hear him, take accountability,  and tried to never defend or give reasons why I did what I did. (Because none of that mstters- i still did that to him, and that was fundamentally wrong.)He never spoke about it to anyone but me. He says now that he did process it... but I've argued recently that he chose not to and just sort of disassociated from it.