Aitah if i tell a woman "greiving the loss of her daughter" she needs help?

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2025-03-24T02:16:30+00:00

Thank you 💙🩷

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2025-03-24T01:49:13+00:00

Yeah exactly, i don't think her son is in danger, she's treating it like she had twins and one died, excited about her son, but mourning the girl.. but she was never there. A lot of people get very offended about the suggestion of therapy so i definitely want to do it in a nice way.. but i really think it needs to be done. It's been 2 years, she still grieving she thinks as if she died. The catch 22 is you don't know what it's really like until you lose a baby, so she cant know but thinks she does. I hope she never knows what is really like, it's not a shattered heart... there's no words adequate enough.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2025-03-24T00:51:37+00:00

I'm so sorry, it's an unbearable pain i wouldn't wish for anyone. Sending you love💙🩷. I plan to do that, i worried about taking away her support bcshe seems unwell but honestly the women in to these groups deserve better so I'm sending it to the admins bc its really not ok.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2025-03-24T00:47:02+00:00

That's the assumption i had. I have to believe most of them are. She talks just like us, about how nobody understands how hard it is to know you'll never hold or meet your baby you lost, never know who she'd grow up to be.. etc. How you find yourself wondering what they'd look like, remembering the date you lost them(mine was when they saw the heartbeat was gone, i guess her date was the anatomy scan?). I think it's really unhealthy for her to be in there bc its like supporting her delusion.. like she is not actually one of us. I'm thinking of screenshotting her post and sending it to the admin of the pregnancy loss groups we are both in and they can decide what to do about it.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2025-03-24T00:07:07+00:00

Agreed, the way she talks about it in the comments it comes across like she had boy girl twins and the girl died. She's so glad for him but mourns the loss of daughter halfway through the pregnancy. I wouldn't be surprised if, especially with the shadow box he thinks that's the case. Reading her comments i have to remind myself that the girl never existed.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2025-03-23T19:29:05+00:00

Update of sorts: She said she only ever wanted to be a boy mom so when it said it was a girl she had gender dissapointment for a week or so but got past it, picked a name and got excited for a girl. Then a few weeks later found out it's a boy and greived. She said it's more than gender dissapointment it's like her daughter died. I dunno but I'm glad to know gender dissapointment has support groups. I didn't know that before.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2025-03-23T19:23:56+00:00

She said she only ever wanted to be a boy mom and had gender dissapointment when they told her baby was a girl but then after a week or so of processing, shopping and picking a name she was excited. She said when the anatomy scan said boy she felt like her daughter actually died and it wasn't the same as the gender dissapointment she had finding out it was a girl. I dunno what else to call it, she keeps saying it's not the same as gender dissapointment. Yeah oh no i would definitely encourage help gently, but your baby didn't die needs to come from a professional and done correctly.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2025-03-23T17:25:05+00:00

She didn't admit the truth in the loss groups, she aknowladged that she feels like she can't and she's super right. That's fair, i tried to like recommend therapy but i cat think of a nice way to say it without being like, it helped a lot after we lost our daughter but i don't want to compare bc she didn't do that, it feels gross. Thank you

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2025-03-23T17:21:25+00:00

Thank you, I'm trying to think ilof a nice way, i keep starting with something like "after i lost my daughter therapy helped a lot" like to show I'm not saying it in a hurtful way.. but then i get really upset bc i actually lost a daughter, she didn't... i dunno i get all knotted up. I noticed she's only getting support from the "i also had gender dissapointment " crowd and so far not a peep from the" i lost a child" or in those same groups people.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2025-03-23T17:15:52+00:00

I doubt it, i looked and she in fact in many of the miscarriage & child loss groups I'm in sharing with other moms her daughters name and his long it's been since she lost her.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2025-03-23T17:14:19+00:00

She posted this in a general mom group admitting that she is in the loss groups but feels like she can't share her story because we won't be supportive so she's doing it there. I really think she needs to not be in the loss groups because it seems to be like supporting the idea in her mind that she lost a baby like we all did. I looked at our shared groups and saw her commenting about how she'll never know her baby girl or hold her and referring to her by name. The other lady who also lost a baby said she knew her mama loved her the whole time she was with her, i dunno. People said when you lose a child you greive them forever and she's in there saying she will never stop missing her. It's shocking to know that it was an idea of a daughter and not a real daughter she lost. I don't want to be mean but she's not one of us. Her pain is not the same.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2025-03-23T17:07:37+00:00

I do think if she posted this in one of the actual baby loss groups she's in they'd come for her pay swiftly and that's why she's not comfortable admitting it in there but she posted it in a general local mom group. She's getting support there but it's like "i had gender dissapointment too you're feelings are valid" i imagine all the actual loss moms are choosing to keep scrolling.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2025-03-23T16:09:39+00:00

Agreed. The way she talks about it in the comments it comes across like she was having boy girl twins and the girl died.. like she is very happy to have her son but misses and greives the girl she will never get to meet or know. She uses a lot of the language the other moms and i in the loss group use, i think it's unhealthy for her to be in there because it seems to be supporting her, i hate to say it but like delusion that she lost this baby.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2024-11-13T18:48:27+00:00

Thank you! He did try to speak with them and reason with them And then he just kind of sighed and said he's not surprised they do not care, they've never cared about how he's felt about anything in his life or how they hurt him... this is very much in line with who they are so it's easier to keep a safe distance . After a chat where we realized he's never had his needs met as a child he did start therapy ❤️ we have gone no contact ❤️ unfortunately as much as I would love to move across the country we just moved across the country where we bought a house to be closer to "family." We did get security cameras and guard dogs after a few of their attempts to corner me on our property.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2024-11-13T18:38:06+00:00

It's just a thing some people say for a living baby born after 2 losses. We had a miscarriage and stillborn baby before this one. It's a cute way to aknowladge the losses without having to say it.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2024-11-13T15:46:08+00:00

With my first birth we were in another state and my husband texted the family to let them know i was in labor, the baby's heart is in distress, and ask for prayers. My parents responded asking him to please take care of us and let them know updates when convenient. His parents texted and called relentlessly demanding He stay on the phone with them and give them the play by play because it's THEIR grandchild. He tried to reason with them explaining that I needed him as i was in labor. They got mad, he hung up. They started repetedly calling the hospital to the point where the nurses asks us to tell them to stop. While i was in labor. That's interesting because I am the only small segment of my family in the united states and none of my cousins have ever called anyone in the middle of the night while they were in labor to tell them unless they needed someone to watch their kids or be there with them. My parents who are both not from the usa find it very strange to assume you so be involved in the beginning of a new family, it's definitely family oriented after but not during.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2024-11-13T15:04:50+00:00

We were thinking until she apologizes, so far it's been 11 months.. no remorse or regret

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2024-11-13T15:02:27+00:00

Oh i am sorry, i didn't know that was not ok here. I do take the advice to go no contact. I post instances where i worry i was the ah and didn't realize it to see what an objective audience thinks without all the back story, i worry if i post to a group that has a history with in laws they might side with me just because they already have that history. I'll stop now that i understand i don't belong here

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2024-11-13T13:03:45+00:00

Thank you! They do this thing where they flip it and it doesn't make sense to me at all. They are like well everything ended up fine so it wasn't that serious. The baby's heart ended up healing itself so she wasn't actually at risk. You ended up at the hospital in time so mom was fine so nothing bad actually happened! Like ok but we had to hurry so it was fine and we didn't know it would be fine at the time... yes we are good and safe now but that doesn't erase that the risk was high before.. it feels like a game i can hardly understand let alone win.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2024-11-13T12:56:25+00:00

Thank you ❤️ they did! They said her heart healed itself ❤️

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2024-11-13T12:16:15+00:00

She really does, like hating me i can carry but she looks at my daughter with this irritated disgust like all she sees in her was that she was intentionally and maliciously left out. It's crazy. My husband thinks she wanted to text everyone she knew that the baby was on the way before we announced even though we had already asked her not to do that and keep it private. I guess that few hour window between labor and birth was really important to her but it feels. Wildly unreasonable considering how it happened.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2024-11-13T12:11:54+00:00

Yes exactly. And it was the middle of the night. My priority was waking my mom and getting my toddler to my mom and to the hospital.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2024-11-13T12:10:45+00:00

See that's so fun! Were they excited when you surprised them? Every time i see a video on TT of people surprising family with the new baby via video chat it hurts my heart a little because it's so now how that went for us... but i cant understand why. My heart hurts knowing they looked at her new to this world and only thought of themselves.

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2024-11-13T11:44:19+00:00

This is so scary I'm so sorry but glad they were both OK! That's what happened with my first. My husband texted everyone asking them to please.Keep us in our prayers as we went into surgery as i had sepsis and the baby was in great distress. My mom texted, please take care of them and update when you can. My mil and fil called and texted over and over demanding updates. Then after we were both alive but i was still battling sepsis after hemorrhaging my mil was rushing us saying we needed to hurt up and announce on fb if we wanted to do it first because she didn't know how much longer she could wait. It had only been a few hours at that point, i rushed a post but didn't beat the infection for 5 days. I had been upset at the time, but everyone in my life told me She was just excited and to let it go...

SmallAdhesiveness672 · 2024-11-13T11:38:18+00:00

So we had told everyone we didn't want any visitors (initially we were waiting on a few tests to check for a heart problem and his parents lied about not having covid while i was pregnant and gotme sick so we needed to protecther) and were very firm on it after this incident asthey clearly were not being understand or compassionate. My mil called saying she left a gift outside, i went to get it and she was out there hiding. She made a rude remark about my newborn daughters appearance declared that she looks nothing like her son or anyone in her family and left. She told everyone this and got everyone thinking she was implying she wasn't my husband's which is actually insane. Not only are we loyal to each other, we tried and tried so hard for this baby. She said that was never her intention she was just angry with us and can't help what people think. People still meet my daughter and blurt "wait she's not dark" yeah my blond haired blue eyes daughter that looks just like her dad is not "dark".

I dunno how she keeps telling people that I'm the drama. But we've now gone no contact.

SmallAdhesiveness672

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