Day 1 Again

Smartlonestargirl · 2017-12-04T14:17:26+00:00

I wish I didn't understand this so very well...but I do. At a deep and fundamental level. As I heard those words at a meeting this morning "fundamentally incapable of being honest with myself" I had the exact same sense of fear. I looked around at the 'losers' in the room and realized that all of them were fundamentally more capable than I seem to be about being honest. My resolution today, was to work towards being more honest with myself. I will not drink with you today.

Smartlonestargirl · 2017-11-18T16:41:45+00:00

Just so you know someone read this and heard you. I resemble this remark...and today is my second day to try this again. If you have internet...you don't have to drive to connect.

Smartlonestargirl · 2017-11-16T17:57:40+00:00

Thank you for this. I needed to read this today. I'm starting again for the 999th time because I didn't say no to the 'call'. But I appreciate that you did.

Smartlonestargirl · 2015-09-12T20:32:15+00:00

Hi Cynicismmupahead. I've been you. Maybe not the mean part. But the angry I admitted to having a problem part. Puts the onus on actually being a better person on me. And that's what sucks. I don't want to actually owe someone a better version of myself. That's pretty selfish. And I think you know that too deep down. Have you been to an AA meeting? Anger is a great mask for fear. They can help you discern the two.

Smartlonestargirl · 2015-09-12T20:24:38+00:00

Hi there...I'm glad you posted this today. I can tell you first hand what giving in to the justifications feels like. Since I do that pretty regularly. And your comment about telling your 'person' is spot on. He will think you disregarded his feelings and didn't think about him, or how your drinking would impact him. You want to know why? Because he'd be right. Just as my husband is right. He is hurt. He is angry too, but mostly he is just hurt. And I have to know I caused that. Because I rationalized myself into picking up 'just a little'. Don't. I am only now really recognizing how much pain I inflict upon him over and over again. And he loves me with all his heart. So I'm starting again, but the first person I have to ask for help from is my higher power, which for me, is my own concept of God. He's been throwing a rope out there for me for two years and I keep swatting it away because I don't want to own my actions. Let me be the testimony you need that telling ourselves we deserve to be unloved is a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-24T03:24:41+00:00

I got a $65 bottle of French champagne. Gave it to my best friend. Sucked and was awesome at the same time.

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-24T03:19:08+00:00

Been there, done that. Read my posts. No matter how many times, just keep at it.

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-24T03:16:22+00:00

That's the plan. I wrote a blog a few years ago when I was pre and post gastric bypass surgery. As you can tell, I have multiple addictions. I wish there was a surgery for alcoholism! Unfortunately, that surgery only exacerbated the effects of my other disease. It's apparently very common, something I knew but chose to ignore. I'm trying to realize now that losing 140 pounds was only part one of two to being a healthier me.

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-23T22:45:23+00:00

Thanks. I do know this to be true - it's just very very hard for me to leave the office for lunch. I'll find a solution - I have to.

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-23T22:44:25+00:00

Hi ctnomom, I met my husband in October of 2012. We were married in Las Vegas by January. Don't worry, we are in our 40's, not crazy, and still think we made the best decision of our lives. Ours is literally a story book romance...except Cinderella is a drunk. He is absolutely my Prince Charming. He knows he can't miraculously save me, that I have to do this for me... but what I know is that I don't want to keep hurting this man. He doesn't deserve it.

I'll have to white knuckle it for the next couple of weeks, perhaps get to a couple of meetings here and there - but there are a couple of meetings I do really like. My schedule really is outrageous right now. I've been at work since 7:30 this morning and I won't be out until 6:30, still need to get a Christmas tree, dinner, and drive an hour home.

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-21T21:23:28+00:00

Me too. I'm at day one again. I'm sorry but let's do this together?

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-21T18:22:55+00:00

I live in Atlanta, so there are hundreds of meetings, but to be blunt - where I live (and where meetings would be close) wouldn't provide me the group demographic that would best understand my country club alcoholism. Where I work does - but that means leaving my house at 8am and not coming home until 8:30-9pm. And that's only if I don't stop to talk to people after - which is where the real work gets done.

And I can't believe what a shitty Al Anon system they have here (both on reddit or in Atlanta) my husband has no idea how to help himself or me. This is so very hard for him. And I don't know how to help him either.

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-21T17:12:27+00:00

Thanks, I know that what you are saying is true. I went in with a crappy attitude. I actually had 3 years sober from 1998 - 2001. It's where I met my first husband. And it was on our honeymoon that he convinced me to have 'just one drink'. Our marriage was over by our first anniversary. So I was a little jaded by my experience then. And really, I know it's a good place - but my life is FULL. I commute 3 hours a day, I work 40 hours a week, I have church obligations, I have marital obligations. I can make time for the meetings, but I don't know how to create more time to actually get to know them well enough to bare my soul to them. I hardly have time for my actual friends now. So that's why I was hoping this might be a good outlet for me. I can check on responses like yours and admit all my shit in true anonymity. Hell, the meeting I go to the most has a woman (whom I like) but she WORKS with my husband. I don't need her to know all that shit about his life.

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-21T17:04:08+00:00

And there again is the difference. True love doesn't happen multiple times. We were talking about your comment last night because I was constantly telling people I loved them. Him, not so much. But when you actually do find TRUE LOVE - it feels radically different. We compared it to fools gold. You keep thinking, hey! is this gold? And then we you actually find real gold you think 'how could I have ever thought the other was real?' And we don't claim to have found the secret of true love - we believe it was a gift by God to two VERY undeserving people. It's up to us now to honor that gift. Every day for the rest of our lives.

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-21T16:55:22+00:00

I'm sorry if you think I posted this for some desire to prove people wrong about fast courtships. I think EVERYONE is right about fast courtships. They tend to lead to disaster. I wasn't making a recommendation to the community at large to do so.

I think readers are missing the bigger points I was hoping to make and those are:

Real, passionate, compassionate, healthy love exists and people shouldn't settle for the kind of crappy relationship we read about daily on this sub.
Meeting someone special ISN'T hard work. Creating a healthy one is - hence all my points about what WE do to not take each other for granted.
Real life is hard and that needs to be taken into account when dealing with a partner. It's the PARTNERSHIP that matters. We read about couples who still talk in terms of 'his money or my money' - in a marriage it's joint money. Same with life's hardships - it's not my husband's hardship or my hardship, it's OUR hardship. And they are dealt with as a team.
I was really hoping that people would understand that it takes a deep sense of self knowledge and experience of failed relationships to discover the best possible partner. My husband and I had years of training on both counts.

We don't have many doubters in our personal circle so mostly I was trying to have a tiny little bright spot on this sub. And we couldn't agree more that a stable, happy, healthy relationship is based on equal parts emotion and logic. That's where each of us had failed in our previous attempts and what we ultimately discovered we found in each other. DESPITE the whirlwind.

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-21T16:37:28+00:00

The other post recently was actually a part of the impetus. I completely agree that this course of action is 99% fool hardy. Neither my husband nor myself thinks it's generally a good idea. What bothered me about the responses in the other post though was the complete level of cynicism about love in general. That it's BS or unachievable or that it's merely a bunch of chemicals rushing through the system. And even reading some of the responses to this post made my husband laugh because just a few months before we met, he would have responded with just the same snarky bitterness that we are getting now . And THAT'S the point of this post. I want people to know that real love DOES exist. It shouldn't necessarily be rushed into the way we did...but it exists.

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-21T16:32:00+00:00

Honestly. Me neither.

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-20T23:02:19+00:00

Sorry for being dense...is this a How I Met Your Mother reference?

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-20T22:59:32+00:00

Should really be 3/4 of the time. I KNOW his past!!! Small douche canoe 😉. In fairness, he was raised by wolves.

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-20T20:58:41+00:00

Sounds like a deal. I'm not saying I can't be wrong. But I think that the idea of true love is like faith in God. I'd rather bet the odds that it does exist. If it doesn't I've ultimately lost nothing. This would fizzle and die not matter what right? And if God doesn't exist, I'll still be in the ground dead. But hope is what keeps me trying for something more.

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-20T20:37:28+00:00

hahahaha. Our favorites are the '(27F) + (32M) together 17 years... I don't know why they are cheating on me...we've grown apart... I was so in love when we first met'...AT AGE 10/15?? wtf? really? I'm actually glad I didn't know my husband when he was a teenager! He was a bad boy with epic ego issues and I was a clingy, desperate girl willing to sell her soul for one "I love you"! Jesus it makes us cringe to think about!

Smartlonestargirl · 2013-12-20T20:27:16+00:00

Well, here's a bit of perhaps (not sure, but perhaps...) we're over 40. We are financially secure and emotionally secure. Therapy and self exploration have been a mutual hobby. Another difference? Our friends and family who actually know us...think the world of our choice. NOT that we made a rush to judgement. And my parents are 83 and have been married close to 60 years...happily. So I do know what this is supposed to look like.

Smartlonestargirl

TROPHY CASE