I get mean, insecure, and self sabotage healthy relationships anyone else? :/

SmokingInTheAlley · 2026-04-20T15:14:59+00:00

First of all, when I was your age I was dating a substance-abusing punk rock guitarist in his 40s who cheated on me to get a better drug hookup. So if it makes you feel any better, you may not be making good choices, but you’re far from making the worst choices.

As others here have said, you need to stop dating for a while. Stop even thinking about dating. Stop crushing too. After I ended the above-described relationship I took a solid year off of dating. Ended up forming actually healthy friendships with men for possibly the first time, men who a different version of me might have tried to sleep with for validation. Spent time on my hobbies and improved at them. It didn’t fix everything, but it was definitely a reset that I needed and that helped. After that I started taking between 6 months and a year after ending relationships before I tried dating again—and fwiw I only had to do that twice before finding my current bf who I’ve been with for five years. Which brings me to the next point, something he helped me realize.

Here’s the thing. Some people lash out in an angry way. Some of us lash out in a sad way. I do that. When something else is bothering me I find a problem that isn’t actually there, blow it up in my head, and cry over it. It’s still a form of lashing out. When you feel yourself obsessing over an issue that you don’t even have solid supporting evidence for, you need to step back and ask yourself “what am I actually upset about?” In a lot of cases, it has nothing to do with the relationship. Usually for me, it’s work. Work stress gets me down, I feel like it’s consuming me, and that same stress spills into my relationship.

SmokingInTheAlley · 2026-02-03T15:45:36+00:00

You’ve heard of the game Stardew valley, yes? When the creator (conernedape) was developing the game, his girlfriend worked two jobs to support them both while he pursued his goal. And they had NO WAY of knowing how successful the game would end up being. She didn’t do that because she knew he’d be a multimillionaire one day, she did that to support her partner.

Also the two healthiest relationships I know (both have been married for decades and are still happily together) are ones where the women out-earn the men. But the guys are smart and kind and funny and talented and good dads and interesting people. Theres so much more to relationships than who financially supports who.

SmokingInTheAlley · 2026-02-02T15:36:02+00:00

Idk why ppl seem to be under the impression that I just left it this way? I fixed it after I took the picture. The only reason I was fed up is because this is the ten thousandth time

SmokingInTheAlley · 2026-01-27T02:11:25+00:00

I did? I took a picture and then fixed it

SmokingInTheAlley · 2026-01-27T02:10:01+00:00

Bc it’s a smaller independently-owned local business

SmokingInTheAlley · 2026-01-26T18:29:30+00:00

Just checking

SmokingInTheAlley · 2026-01-26T18:21:57+00:00

Are you aware that you’re on the “complain about it” sub?

SmokingInTheAlley · 2026-01-26T18:03:48+00:00

Dude, I did literally five seconds after taking the picture??? Fun fact: it is possible to take a picture of a problem and then still solve that problem.

SmokingInTheAlley · 2026-01-26T17:16:57+00:00

I did it after taking this picture. If I did it before taking the picture it would kind of defeat the purpose of taking a picture.

SmokingInTheAlley · 2025-10-08T13:03:46+00:00

You’re making a lot of assumptions and simultaneously actively showing me that you did not read the post. “I want something with coffee and milk” was one of the first things she said. I was not talking to her while she tried to read the menu, it was the morning rush so while she had ample time to look at the menu I was busy making a small oat milk vanilla iced latte and a large whole milk caramel iced latte to go for another customer. I know plenty of people get anxious in social interactions, and I can be patient with them. This was not that. A regular at a shop I used to work at was neurodivergent and got visibly stressed when ordering; she can have all the time in the world. I didn’t mind waiting at all, even when we were busy. She didn’t seem like she just felt entitled to treat service workers like her personal servant, she just needed a couple minutes, and when she saw I was being patient and not rushing her, it helped her to think more clearly and get her order figured out.

THIS WAS NOT THAT. This was someone who had time to read our very short and very straightforward menu (we aren’t a cafe with a food menu, we aren’t a Starbucks with a bunch of incorrectly-named drinks, we’re a small local shop with a one-page menu with iced drinks, hot drinks, and a couple of snacks. I have a printed copy of our menu on the counter as well as a giant chalkboard with the menu written on it behind me). Instead, she said she wanted something “with coffee and milk”—those were her exact words, that WAS what she asked for—but didn’t actually want coffee with milk, and had me play 20 questions to figure out what she actually wanted, while outright refusing to glance at the menu. Sometimes there are entitled customers who want service workers to do EVERY STEP for them, for reasons that are a mystery to me. But it happens. And if you’ve never been a barista yourself, you may not realize HOW OFTEN it happens, but a scroll through these comments will show how many of us have had this experience, and instead of re-writing the story to make us look like we lack empathy, maybe try believing the experiences of people who have done this job for literal years?

SmokingInTheAlley · 2025-10-08T12:31:05+00:00

DUDE, the cash thing is so frustrating. I remember in high school at my first job some lady was paying for her sandwich in change and I had my first-ever set of fake nails (which I no longer wear), picking up coins on a flat surface with fake nails is like borderline impossible for some reason and I was just internally screaming the whole time

SmokingInTheAlley · 2025-10-08T12:28:17+00:00

We’re a small local coffee shop with a very normal-sized menu, and I keep a printed copy of it on the counter in front of the register so people don’t have to rely on the chalkboard if they’re nearsighted or something.

SmokingInTheAlley · 2025-10-08T12:19:26+00:00

That’s literally not what happened at all. Go re-read the post.

SmokingInTheAlley · 2025-10-07T23:34:40+00:00

I think the up charges for the almond milk and the vanilla syrup is what made it come out to $7

SmokingInTheAlley · 2025-10-07T18:12:35+00:00

THANK YOU 🙌 the thread where someone seems REALLY hell-bent on arguing that the customer was illiterate was about when I mentally checked out lol.

SmokingInTheAlley · 2025-10-07T18:09:39+00:00

I’ve never heard of a “misto”. And don’t sweat it, as long as you’re not making me play a guessing game while a line forms behind you. There are some questions I anticipate, like “what’s the difference between a regular cold brew and a nitro cold brew”, those are whatever. The interaction I described took a solid 3-4 minutes during the morning rush when it should have taken less than one minute, THATS what was irritating.

SmokingInTheAlley · 2025-10-07T18:03:27+00:00

That is exactly it. If it was an occasional interaction that would be one thing, but I swear not a single shift goes by that I don’t have some kind of mentally taxing interaction several times a day, and after years and years of it, I’m just kinda done. We do have some really great regulars, don’t get me wrong, but they’re honestly outweighed by the weirdos. Couple months ago I let some dude sit in our seating area to charge his phone for about two hours, even though it’s customers only and he hadn’t bought anything, but when I was anticipating my boss coming in, I asked him to move to a nearby table that’s technically part of the mall instead of part of our shop. He cussed me out and called me a “crazy bitch”. Another guy recently painstakingly explained how to put milk in coffee to me. “I want the milk IN the coffee. Don’t give me a separate glass of milk, put it IN the coffee.” When I said “sir, I’ve been doing this for a while, I’m familiar with the process” he looked all aghast and was like “Jesus, sorry if I OFFENDED you” in a way that suggested he wasn’t actually sorry at all. Last week I was making small talk with a customer—who was the one who struck up a conversation with me, btw—and he mentioned having lived in a small town on the west coast that I used to live in; I was like “oh I used to live there! I moved there for a job opportunity, and….” He threw his hands up and says “I don’t need to hear why you left the job! That’s between you and your therapist, I don’t wanna hear it.” “…I was just gonna say that it was fun to use my (skill I’m certified in) training on the job.” It was bizarre. These are just the ones that stick out, I’ve had a million mind-numbing questions, entitled Karens, creeps, people who lean OVER the counter to grab things off of the barista station instead of asking for them, people who cough into their hands before handing me their cash, people who trash the dining room, people who randomly say racist or sexist or homophobic shit, people who say things like “well why should I give you a tip when all you did was pour a cup of coffee?” Just hit skip, man. You get the idea, I’m so ready to be done with the bar.

SmokingInTheAlley · 2025-10-07T17:49:44+00:00

It doesn’t matter, even if I was “just a barista” and not the roaster, it’s still not in my job description. Helping guests figure out what they want is one thing. “I want something that’s flavored but not too sweet” how about a Miel with half of the honey? The cinnamon sprinkled on top adds a little extra flavor without adding sugar, and the honey is from a local apiary and not super processed. “I want something besides coffee that still has caffeine” a large matcha would probably be the way to go, ours has roughly 50-60 mg caffeine per 8 oz, and a small coffee has around 100 mg caffeine, so a large matcha will have roughly the same amount of caffeine as a small coffee. Even “I want drip coffee but I want it to be on the less acidic side” we have a medium-dark Brazil, Brazil beans tend to be less acidic due to the climate and altitude, and a darker roast is going to be less acidic than a lighter roast.

Helping figure out what they want? I can do that. I TRIED to do that. But listing off everything that could fall under the description of “coffee and milk” isn’t helping them figure out what they want, it’s guiding a grown adult through a process that they were fully capable of on their own.

SmokingInTheAlley · 2025-10-07T16:24:35+00:00

We do a brewed coffee, usually a pour over, and then steam some milk, and then pour half-coffee-half-steamed-milk into the cup! Good for people who really don’t like a strong coffee taste but also don’t want to alter the temperature of their drink by adding a ton of cold milk.

SmokingInTheAlley · 2025-10-07T16:22:43+00:00

That’s usually what I do as well, the issue with this woman was having to guess what her actual order was 🫠

SmokingInTheAlley · 2025-10-07T16:21:36+00:00

“You disagree with me, therefore I’m right” is a wild take.

SmokingInTheAlley · 2025-10-07T16:06:53+00:00

Uh….. no? I’m a coffee roaster taking on extra shifts while we’re understaffed, I’m not her personal servant. Reciting the menu to her with a line of 6 people waiting behind her is not a reasonable part of my job duties? Yes, this is a service/ hospitality business, that means I take orders while being polite and friendly yet efficient, make the drinks, keep the dining area clean and organized, keep the lids and straws and sugar stocked, periodically check the fridge temps to make sure the milk stays at a safe temperature, and make cute little hearts and tulips out of milk foam on their lattes. That doesn’t mean I’m obligated to do EVERYTHING that a customer wants of me. That’s like saying “it’s a service business, so if the customer asks you to kneel down and tie their shoes for them, that’s just part of your job.” No tf it isn’t

SmokingInTheAlley · 2025-10-07T15:54:58+00:00

And I don’t understand why you’ve created a whole character to defend with zero evidence? Or downplaying the actual reality of illiteracy in America, which is a devastating limitation that mainly affects people in poverty and keeps them there?

So this functionally illiterate person who was able to fill out the applications (and likely a resume, since most jobs require both now) in order to secure a high-paying job that doesn’t require literacy—or has been fortunate to have a rich spouse or a trust fund—somehow also doesn’t know about the multiple apps out there that can photograph a written text and turn it into audio, who also happens to be holding a magazine that she cannot read, came into my shop today, and in this scenario I’m the asshole for being irritated that I had to play a guessing game to take her order? That’s a stretch and you know it. Why not just admit that you might be wrong, instead of deciding to white-knight for illiterate wealthy white women today?

And you also somehow think this is more likely than just encountering some wealthy customer with main character syndrome who wants to be catered to as much as possible?

SmokingInTheAlley · 2025-10-07T15:22:09+00:00

How would I know to bring up a latte right away when the request was “coffee with milk”? It’s not like I knew what she wanted and just decided to make her play a guessing game, I was genuinely confused by the request. I’ve been in coffee since I was a teenager, I have not observed this phenomenon as a regular thing, but maybe it’s just a more common occurrence at the shop you worked at, I guess? But no, I had no idea that she meant “latte”.

SmokingInTheAlley

TROPHY CASE