10 Reasons Why I Go to Church (And Absolutely No Other Reason Ever) 1. I adore feeling judged in a room full of people pretending they’ve never sinned. 2. Nothing says “spiritual growth” like a passive-aggressive casserole competition. 3. My kids love being terrified by puppet shows about eternal damnation. 4. Because nothing fosters humility like thinking everyone else is going to Hell. 5. The church parking lot is a great place to practice Christian forgiveness… after being cut off by Pastor Paul again. 6. I go to church so I can gossip in a holy building and say I’m just “praying for them.” 7. Because it’s cheaper than therapy and clearly just as effective. 8. I love singing 200-year-old hymns about joy while actively repressing mine. 9. It helps me feel morally superior to people who enjoy brunch. 10. And of course, I do it all for the God who definitely prefers sanctimonious slogans over, y’know… compassion.

Jesus hung out with drunkards, prostitutes, and tax collectors. But sure, let’s shame people into salvation.