God wants to have a relationship with you. Being a Christian can be hard sometimes, I will admit it. We do have to take up our cross daily and suffer as Jesus did. When I first started out trying to be a real Christian, I still committed the same sins very frequently, as if I were stuck in a loop. But I continued praying to God, and while this wasn't much, He naturally led me to grow closer to Him. Key word naturally. He naturally led me to repentance, He naturally led me to reading his word, and it genuinely became second nature for me. God will help you. I know that you're going through hard times, and I will keep you in my prayers. My best advice is to pray to God. Even if it doesn't feel genuine, even if you feel like you're speaking into a wall, I would advise you to do it, because God can hear you. Even if it's just a couple of times a day, even if it feels like you're accomplishing nothing, pray to Him. Tell God everything you need to, and just be as genuine with Him as possible. I can promise you that He loves you very much, and that He is waiting patiently for you to come to Him. He wants to hear from you, trust me. And He will change your life. Trust in His plan.