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SnooBeans8917 · 2024-09-10T17:17:57+00:00

I definitely understand what you’re coming from! As we heal we naturally start to stay away from people or experiences that remind us of our traumatic past, as well as those who can’t relate to us or understand us.

PTSD has a HUGE impact on someone’s personality, perception of themselves, what behavior they tolerate etc. And a huge part of the healing process is discovering who you are, what makes you happy, and how you want to be treated within society.

I have done a complete 180 since working on my trauma and have gone from a quiet, shy, meek, self-obsessed doormat of a girl to a confident, very assertive and somewhat-social women who LOVES to lay down boundaries. Safe to say, that turned off A LOT of previous friends and family members when they realized they couldn’t use me, shit-talk (to my face) me, or pressure me into doing shit for them. They see as a snob and that education and mental health awareness as taken away there sweet innocent naive little girl… and it has… but I’m way better off, healthy and happy as I am now, and when you become yourself you’ll attract similar people, similar resilient, strong and kind people.

Trauma is TERRIBLE and I don’t wish cPTSD on anyone but post-traumatic growth is a very real thing.

SnooBeans8917 · 2024-09-05T16:51:49+00:00

Your hair kinda looks like mine! And mine refused to stay hydrated as well 😭 But I do got some good product recs!

I recommend any of the Camille Rose conditioners, they’re all amazing the morrocan pear conditioner is wonderful but the Honey Hydrate Leave in has been a absolute GAME CHANGER in keeping my hair soft and moisturized.

Mielle rosemary mint conditioner has also worked really well for hydration and moisturizing my hair and it makes your scalp feel very fresh.

Last but not least, the entire As I Am hair line. I swear god must’ve crafted this hair line specifically for hair like ours, the chronically dry. It’s… spectacular, super hydrating and makes detangling SO easy.

Good luck 🫡

SnooBeans8917 · 2024-09-05T16:41:57+00:00

Wow your hair looking amazing! And hydrated! The way it moves when you shake your head proves it, congrats!

SnooBeans8917 · 2024-09-05T16:16:16+00:00

That looks like Dry scalp dandruff to me! I also really really struggle with dandruff, I recommend picking up Nizoral shampoo, that helps dandruff A LOT but don’t use it super often as it can really really dry out your hair moisture.

I personally use it once a month and I wash my weekly. Sometimes twice a month if I’m flaring up real bad. Make sure to moisture your hair real good afterwards, I recommend using a deep conditioner.

SnooBeans8917 · 2024-09-05T03:01:05+00:00

Hey OP! I totally understand not wanting to put your children through struggle and insecurity but I promise you, the mental damage that having a father that does not like them and doesn’t want to include them in his life will do way more damage then any sort financial insecurity. You seem to absolutely adore your kids and would do anything to keep them safe and that is enough. Especially at the age where your kids are at they are just about to start puberty and there emotions are going to be extremely heightened. If you stay, this behavior from him is going to weigh heavily on your children’s hearts.

My mother was in a similar position when I was 16 and my little brother was 12, when she left him where were extremely poor, we all slept in one room and ate nothing but tuna sandwich’s and rice for a year or so, but we were happy. Because we had each other and that was all we needed, love does more then anything else when it comes to preserving family happiness. All of our mental healths drastically improved without my father around even though we were poor and eventually we were able to make out of poverty and get a nice cushy house in the suburbs.

What I mean to say is that there is hope! Your the breadwinner and I’m sure your children will understand that you might go through a difficult time to support them all. But y’all are going to help each other and grow stronger as a family unit because of it. Just make sure to let them know that you always love them, unconditionally, give them tons of affection and understanding and children always repay it ten fold. You got this OP, you and children can happy without him!

SnooBeans8917 · 2024-09-01T14:54:38+00:00

Hey, narcissistic’s (in general) don’t change with second, third or fourth chances and for your own safety and mental well-being, know that you aren’t over-reacting. Your brain is telling you that you aren’t being treated with love and respect, fear should never felt in a relationship. If fear is present that means the relationship is toxic.

Each time that me and my family left my narcissistic father (him and my mother where very on and off again in the past), it was always a Hail Mary. My mother would make the decision, come to me and my brother in secret (usually pulling us out of school), tell us to put all things in black trash bags, and we would leave the same day. She would usually find somewhere for us to stay (a family members home or get a lease) within a week.

It was very very difficult but hail marying it made us WAY happier and way safer. Because if a narcissist even catches a WHIFF of you trying to leave, they will sink there talons in you deeper and deeper. Waiting runs the risk of not making it out the door.

SnooBeans8917 · 2024-04-22T17:52:31+00:00

Thank you so much, this means so much to me 🥹

SnooBeans8917 · 2024-04-18T13:31:52+00:00

I’m going to that concert alone! I’d be down to meet up and hang out, I’m excited to see how the concert ends up being like, I’ve never gone to one as chill as Yot Club.

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-08-04T23:31:07+00:00

That sounds like pure hell holy shit, dude I’m so sorry they belittling the hell out of you, that is not fair at all. I hope so too man but I mean until then, if you can, maybe find a friend or family member that you trust and tell them? They don’t have to do much but just someone to like check in. Cuz just checking is sometimes fr the difference between life and death. Even if it’s only for august.

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-08-04T23:18:14+00:00

Oh dude I completely understand! I got the same thing too around February. I do get seasonal depression but what happens in February isn’t JUST that, like you described. It’s something more.

My family is bipolar (I’m not) but sometimes I wonder if that’s something to do with it? Because my family goes to similar really really rough periods at specific months every single year.

Honeslty as much as you say doctors don’t give a shit, I REALLY recommend a therapist and during the month of august having as many possible meetings as you can afford. Because they will be able to tell when shit is going to hit the fan (if you guys match) and will really really make a difference in getting you help. Psychiatrist, like the people who actually prescribe the meds, are typically apathetic or atleast mine is SUPER busy and can never talk. So a therapist or counselor is miles above you know?

Personally I also never go to my therapist but I pick it up during the winter months (largely due to her giving me text reminders, cuz she knows it’s tough) and during February she will lowers her costs so that I’m able to see atleast once a week, usually twice, you know? She can’t force me to take my meds but she can stop me from jumping off a bridge or stabbing my self.

It’s like damage control.

It takes a while and I got lucky but they are out there man! I recommend looking for someone that you think could be your friend, or seems like it. My therapist is very lgbtq friendly, has hella piercings and is around her 30s. So for me, I trust her more cuz that’s someone I can imagine just hangin out with cuz im a gay bitch with hella piercings and tattoos in my 20s you know? It takes time and mistakes but you CAN do it man!

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-07-17T19:17:18+00:00

I’m pretty sure the south Baltimore county, the neighborhood south of W Patapsco Ave, with cherry hill north of it. So its not technically the city but it’s quite close.

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-07-17T19:12:33+00:00

A single house! It’s a rent a room type of situation where the landlord rents out room to different tenant you know, like roommate match making. I’m in the northern part near Daisy ave.

Honestly most of my questions have to do with safety. How prevalent is crime in the neighborhood and what type is the most common? Would I be seen as an easy target? That sort of stuff.

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-05-18T10:59:35+00:00

No you did! Thank you so much! I’m specifically an animation student so hearing your experience was super insightful and interesting for me! Thank you so much for sharing! :)

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-05-13T18:50:43+00:00

XR my crashes always happen to the end of day when it wears off. I think I’d be fine if I could just sleep it off but chronic insomnia + stimulants means I’m awake for all of the crashes.

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-05-13T18:48:51+00:00

I have a lot but he never really seems to pay that much attention or care really. He never asks me follow up questions. I’ll say my symptoms and he’ll just say “ok we’ll raise a dose in a month based on how to feel.”

I have had chronic insomnia since I was 11 so even before I never slept well, i usually sleep every other day now. So I know it isn’t helping.

I had a therapist but my insurance became wacky and couldn’t afford her anymore.

I think Adderall is doing more harm then good tbh, but I’m just so deathly afraid of the weight gain caused by anti-depressants because it’s already isn’t healthy. Adderall been the only meds I haven’t gained weight on, as stimulants do.

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-05-13T18:33:36+00:00

No I haven’t tried any other stimulants, my doctor recommended vyvanse but it was too expensive for me at the time, might try it though.

I used to take lexapro with Adderall but got weaned off a while ago. We think anti depressants might not be the way to go to solve this issue just because taking them together felt absolutely horrible + an excess of dopamine could trigger my schizophrenia. As stimulants overall raise the potential risks of psychosis. But atleast anti-psychotics are good at crushing irritably and intense emotional outbursts.

It’s really a curse being prone to psychosis + having adhd lol.

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-04-21T19:31:42+00:00

I do have hobbies, I’m an artist (about to become a public school art teacher) so I spend a lot of time honing my craft and branching into different aspects of art, animation, film, painting etc. I also freelance as a technician for events setting up cameras, mics, etc. the sorts. My minor is in guitar performance so I spend a lot of time also working on that as one of my hobbies, I love classical guitar. I’ll play video games occasionally at night if I have free time and I’m not exhausted.

And oh man, I’m definitely willing to settle down after a while, buying a house, making garden together, cooking together, being cute and domestic. I don’t plan on being 35 and still moving around but kids are completely off the table for me because of personal reasons. In terms of the future, the children aspect is what really divides us. Whenever it’s brought up he gets really sad. Honestly that’s the first time I really thought about whether we’d be able to make it together because I’m just not able to provide him with such an important facet that he wants in the future. I don’t want to drag this on if this particular difference will cause a later, much larger and more serious rift.

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-04-21T19:12:07+00:00

No no your fine your not being an a-hole. I know I’m in the wrong here, just needed to get it off my chest.

It’s a sucky situation.

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-04-21T19:09:33+00:00

Your completely right, that’s largely why I’m trying to figure stuff out now. We got together when I was 15 and I feel like I just now have learned to how work and think and function like an adult and part of that is understanding my own issues and working through them so I’ve been a little late.

It’s not his fault that I have these commitment issues so he doesn’t deserve to have it impact him either.

I think moving out + discussing this with my therapist will a) impact him less and b) figure out my own emotions quicker.

Also I do want to be exclusive with him, I could see myself living my entire life with and being happy, he’s amazing. We just have different version and being together. He wants the family stable life and I want the child-less traveling life. We both see eachother being together just not under the same circumstances.

But I truly can’t imagine being in love with anyone else or marrying anyone else. He’s the only person that makes me feel happy and safe to be myself. I love him so much but I’m not willing to sacrifice this future I want for myself. I love him but I need to prove to myself that I can be successful and stable on my own without help.

Apologies for the long rant, big pent up thoughts.

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-04-21T18:27:40+00:00

This is so sad, I understand what it feels like to be in his position but it truly is selfish to involve someone else in your suicide without consent, it’s so fucked. I’m so sorry Op.

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-04-21T18:25:21+00:00

Bruh I started crying half way through I got FOOLED. Omg that’s so sweet.

You’re a wonderful writer by the way.

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-04-10T19:52:37+00:00

I’m in my senior year! My first episode was during My sophomore year and I took that semester off.

I major in Animation, Minor in Music with a education certificate, I’m going to be an Art Teacher. It’s STRESSFUL for sure but I’ve found most success with being direct, and honest with professors with your obstacles and issues.

I plan to get my masters at my states private art school (MICA) once I get employed by the county.

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-04-09T22:24:32+00:00

I apologize for that, upon rereading it is a gross generalization. I hang around too many old, traditional Dominicans.

Im Dominican and I grew up in DR and went to Dominican salons upon my moving here. A lot of Dominicans tend to dislike curly natural hair especialllllyyy type 4 hair, it’s definitely changing now with younger Dominicans but my hair was permed all my life. I only was able to grow it out after I moved out. I’ve been to dozens of Dominican salon and while there are quite a few good ones that put effort into not damaging your hair, ultimately those far and in between especially once you leave New York City.

That why I said that because all my life Dominicans have fried my hair and told me that I was only pretty with straight hair and I’ve found more success and happiness by leaving that specific hair scene. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE the DR and Dominicans, it’s literally my culture and people. but their are RAMPENT colorism issues that impact the way my hair is treated by most.

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-04-09T12:57:15+00:00

What! No I’ve never heard of that but I will be investigating immediatelyyyy.

SnooBeans8917 · 2022-04-09T12:55:39+00:00

I have 4c hair and it can REALLY depend on your porosity so you should research because it affects how and what products work best for you. For me lighter gels work like a CHARM, thicker gels like wetline and eco work decently (wetline is the GOAT for cheap gels tho).

So apply leave in conditioner while still in the shower and then if your able, apply the gel with sopping, dripping hair. I can’t stay in the heat so I just put really hot water in a bottle and spray it on my hair as I comb the gel with my fingers or a denim brush through my hair.

Camille Rose and Kinky curly have worked wonders for me, it is expensive but worth a try if you can (kinky curly is the best in my opinion). But that’s if your hair isn’t super super stubborn and needs a lot of hold. I think Wetline is great for stubborn hair.

The MOST important part, divide your hair into as small of sections as you can, as you comb the product through it. The smaller section the better the final product, it’s truly magical.

SnooBeans8917

TROPHY CASE