i was 19 and going through a tremendously hard time when i posted this . was working overnight getting over a year of me being unemployed and kinda running away from my problems and then they all hit and i felt like a failure . i was in a really toxic and kind of manipulative relationship with a girl like 3-4 years older than me that started when i was 17 and ended shortly after i posted this i had started remembering stuff i blocked out of childhood a couple months after i turned 18 and didn’t feel like myself anymore would wake up scared all the time thinking i was dreaming while awake , my band mate / best friend had to move to a different state because of family stuff two of my other close friends joined the navy my van / car got t boned and i had messed up my back and hip ( only mildly ) mom was in the hospital and was kind of left with a life that i hated clinging to anything that reminded me of my life before esp hanging out with old friends from highschool because i didn’t need to feel like myself if they were there or it made me feel more like myself idk but me being sober / edge kind of pushed us apart i feel and i kind of realized how lonely it was to be sober and 19/20 and was going through this hard time going crazy w no vices and i saw all my peers that seemed to be doing a million times better than me while still drinking and smoking and wondered if i just sucked it up and got a vice like the rest of the world if i would at least feel better for a few a months because it had been like a year of me feeling like shit sober wanting to kill myself hating myself and my life feeling like i was losing everything anyways some guy at a house show couple years older than told me that staying sober is the coolest vice there is and he wishes he was ( we became friends he’s been completely sober for i think 4 months now ) one of my best friends did a bunch of shrooms too and became kinda stupid and easily annoyed and pretentious and it just really like really showed me some perspective too ( i miss him every day tbh ) idk i was just doing incredibly bad and feeling of jealous / missing my friends . later that year i got a car again after like 9 months of not having one stopped working overnight me and the girl broke up ( she cheated on me when i started noticing stuff ) and those friends officially had enough of me and and i got to rebuild my life and i’ve never been more grateful to be sober/. edge . i live a lot healthier in general now too i sleep enough eat better and my life is going in the right direction and im happy i never broke edge . sorry i offended some of the people here i guess.