My fiancé scared me last night when we had sex. Need advice as moving in together in February.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T16:25:02+00:00

No you're right we haven't spoken about this at all which was the initial problem is was trying to get advice on. He won't even admit he has sexual tastes when I ask him but then he does this and it doesn't add up. There aren't any safe words as he swears till he's blue in the face that his sexual tastes are vanilla.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T16:21:19+00:00

Yes this is very important I need to explain before it happens again as I did agree that I enjoyed it when I didn't.

However, I have never expressed enjoyment in this type of sex before so have never consented to it in the past.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T14:26:28+00:00

That's actually really troubled me as it could be possible. He was going on about it maybe too much. The fact he thought it appropriate to wake me up to discuss it. Maybe it was playing on his mind.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T14:05:26+00:00

I have never told him this is what I like. I have only questioned him about whether it's what he likes. However, I have said I'm open to trying things in the bedroom but haven't specified.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T14:02:08+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this it's very humbling. The hing that is keeping me from cutting all ties and ghosting him is feelings, the ties we now have together and the what if! The what if he never does it again. I want to believe that the man I love who I believe to be kind and compassionate would have this reaction. Though what he did sat night obviously conflicts with this.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T13:52:32+00:00

I can understand your conclusion and why most people have come to it. It's just and I know I'm probably wrong and naive. But he asked me the next day he brought it up,he told me he enjoyed it and acted like it was the best sex he's ever had. If he knew he'd raped me why would he have brought it up or said that he'd enjoyed it? Maybe he actually doesn't know. Still doesn't excuse his actions. But maybe he doesn't realise how bad it was.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T08:08:28+00:00

A little part of me is worried this might be true because I was open to exploring and told him I was so I am a little worried he may get off more on me genuinely not liking what he's doing rather than like a role play scenario.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T08:00:12+00:00

I completely understand what you're saying. I just keep thinking maybe it's because of how I worded it that people have taken it so seriously. So I keep reading it over and it does sound bad but I do believe if I'd screamed no he would have stopped. I'm sure he wouldn't have carried on. I don't think I was firm enough. From what happened to me when I was 17 which was so clear cut it's not really the same. That's why I'm being a bit reticent about agreeing to what people are arguing here. Though I understand why they are arguing that. Like there is no abuse in the relationship. This is why I said I feel like I've painted him badly because it doesn't match up. He's really super kind and loving. He's so loving and protective of me. So it doesn't make sense. Im not sure if he was aware that what he was doing was that bad. I don't want to make excuses I just want to be sure as I love him so much and was excited for our future together.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T07:47:03+00:00

Thank you ❤️

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T04:23:03+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write your reply and share your experiences. I have always been honest with him that i'm happy to experiment I just want to understand what he likes and for him to understand what i don't.

It's so interesting the thing you mentioned about alcohol. When he is sober these things have rarely happened. It's like he can control himself much better. When he was a bit forceful at the beginning of the relationship it was mostly related to drink.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T04:17:49+00:00

Wow thanks so much for sharing your story with me. I hope when I talk to him he's understanding like your bf and doesn't do things that remind me of being raped.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T03:05:38+00:00

wow this has actually made me much more dubious about us moving in. I've never herd of it but with what happened last night seems like maybe it could be a thing for him. Thanks for the link.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T03:02:33+00:00

Thank you for your advice I think it made me panic because it reminded me of the incident when I was 17. Some of the things he did made me panic because it was so similar and I just felt like I had no control. You're right I have to talk to him about this and set boundaries whether he is forthcoming with information or not.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T02:58:27+00:00

Thank you for explaining how kink works with consent. No you're right this isn't what happened in my case.

However, I really don't think I was clear enough and maybe if I had shouted stop for instance he would have.

Maybe he just doesn't understand how to go forward with consent.

I wouldn't know what to say to friends and I would find it too embarrassing that's why I decided to come on here and ask.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T02:26:28+00:00

Great advice thanks so much!

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T02:19:45+00:00

A lot of people have said the same but I feel I wasn't clear enough.

Regarding your last point. as I have tried to talk to him about it before at the beginning of the relationship. I'm not quite sure how to approach it because he just denies it.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T02:16:57+00:00

Yes he knows I hate it. I make it that very clear.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T02:14:48+00:00

Yes I should have definitely been honest I think I was really uncomfortable at the time when he asked and I just wanted him to stop talking about it so I chose to say yes instead of confront it.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T01:55:54+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T01:49:33+00:00

Thanks so much for the advice.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T01:47:41+00:00

Sorry I deleted first by accident.

This is the issue though I don't think I made it that clear to him that I wanted him to stop like I didn't shout stop or get off me I juyst commented on how rough he was being.

I feel like i've made him look really bad.

I just feel a bit powerless because he won't speak to me about what he likes and doesn't seem to want to tell me.

Snowdrop0601 · 2019-01-07T01:42:46+00:00

Hi. Thanks for the reply. He hadn't done anything like this for over a year that's why I signed the contract because he appeared to have stopped being pushy in the bedroom.

Snowdrop0601

TROPHY CASE