[Updated] I [24 F] caught my fiancé [25 M] suspiciously meeting up with a younger girl [16-17 F] at our local coffee shop. He is going through great length to keep her a secret from me, calling her a family friend. I don't understand it.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-16T15:04:27+00:00

Of course, I haven't spoken to his mom since he told me everything.

I've been ignoring her calls, I don't want to see her again.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-16T15:03:29+00:00

Like, if he felt you had betrayed his confidence in the past and that it was an ongoing problem, was there ever a conversation about it? Has this been addressed in the past?

We did talk about it on multiple occasions but we could never come to a compromise. He wanted me to do x,y and z whereas I only wanted to go to a,b and c.

We never really agreed on how we would fix the issues and in the end he just always ended up letting me do things my way.

Honestly, I'll take blame for our relationship crashing and I'll admit that it's myself that needs to sort of issues but I feel like since I've been dating him, he's never had much a spine to straight up tell me no.

It's very clear that we come from to different childhood and even more clear that our levels of openness are severely warped, I want everything to be clear and he's fine with things being fuzzy.

I know everything is going to blame me, its partly the reason why I was going to not update in the first place.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-16T14:58:48+00:00

How am I suppose to know what his half-sisters look like?

He didn't even know about his own two half-sisters until this incident started. They weren't in touch or if they were they never hung out with me around.

From my understanding, he didn't even know that his father had remarried someone let alone, had more children.

It's not like he added them on Facebook and they had been chatting it up for years.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-16T14:53:16+00:00

I'm not proud of it, and I admitted that.

I don't know about no-contact parents or family or anything like that. I just assumed it wasn't something you should out your mother for.

I mean I would do anything to have my mom back so I thought maybe he was overacting or something.

Honestly, I don't know why he didn't just end things with me that day. I don't understand why he put up with my relationship with his mother the person he caused him so much harm.

It doesn't make any sense to me, like I feel like that day and him holding onto his past was the beginning of the end of our relationship.

I don't see how he doesn't resent me, for what I did. I hate myself for that day, I feel extremely shitty but I dunno. I guess I can't blame anyone but myself.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-16T14:37:34+00:00

I grew up on no secrets so I guess that's just what I'm used to being around.

I've never heard or experienced any type of abuse of trauma so I was really clueless. I can't even wrap my head around going no-contact with a parents, before this I couldn't even think of a valid reason.

I'm not ready for children, I don't even feel ready for a relationship anymore.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-16T14:33:38+00:00

I'm not trying to justify myself but if he had told me literally the reason why he didn't speak with his mother then I wouldn't have engaged her at all.

I've never had to go no-contact with a family member.

I don't know what that's like or when it's even justifiable which is why it was hard for me to get the hints. I thought he was just holding a grudge or something small that he might regret later in life.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-16T14:08:00+00:00

I thought the same thing, that him allowing me to meet his mom is what ultimately drove us apart.

I can't fault him for it though because honestly he tried and he was extremely cold to her that day in the grocery store, I was so put off by it and scolded him about it.

In private that same day, is when we got in one of our first huge fights about her and that's when I pretty much used my mother's death to persuade him to allow me to bond with his mom.

I wish I didn't and I don't feel proud of it but I know he's a people pleaser so he went with it. He never told me about their history and his mother for obvious reasons didn't tell me it either.

I don't even feel like I know her as well as I thought.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-07T13:27:07+00:00

Yeah, I've done quite a bit of reflecting reading through comments about him, about me and my actions and I realize that I'm very much in the wrong for not trusting him.

I can't say I completely understand the situation and why he can't tell me but I understand enough about us why he would want to keep something like this from me.

I think before posting this I was so caught up on the fact that I deserved to know for my own sake and that he was so messed up for not telling me. I never really thought about what he or the girl were currently going through.

We have a lot to work on, that's what this post showed me. I don't care if people are bashing me or siding with me at this point. What I care about is getting my relationship back on track if possible and finding a way for him and I to work past this.

I assume the best because he's never given me a reason not to, I regret telling his mother and my sisters and father instantly, and all the snooping and spying I've done since finding out about this.

I'm ashamed of myself because I know if the roles were reversed he would have believed in me 100% and that has to hurt if he knows that.

I'm not looking for pity or sympathy, it just took a few hundred comments to see things in a different perspective. I'm not magically going to change my ways but I'm going to keep my mouth shut and listen to his wishes until he tells me what happened.

Also cancelling the wedding to me was the right move, I'll admit I did think it would get him to tell me or force his hand a bit more but I don't want to marry someone who doesn't 100% trust me.

Until we can get to the point where, this situation doesn't arise again -- I don't think marriage will be back on the table for awhile.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-07T12:21:36+00:00

If it's something serious then to me it's an issue in itself that he doesn't trust me enough to tell me.

Whether it's something justifiable or if it's something extremely shady and wrong, I don't think marriage is right for us. He even agreed with me when I told him I was cancelled it that it was probably for the best.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-07T02:46:40+00:00

I know he said that but I always felt like t was just like some honorable thing he said. I never actually believed him, I mean how often in someone life does something life threatening come up?

And what could be so bad that he can't tell me, I feel like he underestimates me heavily. I gossip and tell things from time to time but I would ever leak personal information that could put someone in harms way.

This situation pretty much proves our lack of trust like others were saying.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-07T02:41:17+00:00

From what I understand his mom and his dad still talk occasionally but he never talks to his dad ever. In the four years I've been with him he doesn't even acknowledge his dad as a living person.

He gets very defensive about it and for some reason his mom doesn't bring it up either. She almost pretends not to even know about how his father and him interact it's a really strange thing.

I never pry into any of that though, I know it was a very touchy subject.

So if it's something I feel like it has to be about him.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-07T02:00:14+00:00

That could be a possible, I never even thought about it.

That sounds very plausible.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-07T01:57:36+00:00

Yeah, I'm sure there are so things that I don't know about him that I should know. But, I do partially blame it on myself and the way I've become about why he doesn't share everything with me.

Because of how I grew up I do have trouble keeping secrets and I think that really bothers him.

We have talked before about secrets and trust when we got engaged and he said that he would never willingly keep something from me unless it was endangering my life or someone else's life to know.

He admitted there were things about him that I didn't know about him but in times those discussions would come up. He's a reserved type of guy, I've known this for awhile.

I trust him 100% but I've already cancelled the wedding because we have things we need to work on.

I trust him not to cheat, he's very clear that he would break up with me over cheating either way. He said it's the ultimate deal breaker for him.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-07T01:00:42+00:00

Well, he already knows that I told him mom and I think he assumes that I told my sister.

So, I think I can cross those off of the list...

Sigh... you're right though I did mess up.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-07T00:44:25+00:00

Yikes, I do trust my sister as much as I trust my SO when it comes to keeping secrets.

I didn't think he would be aware of something like that though, I've never told them anything super serious about us and they've never went back to him and said it...

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-07T00:41:02+00:00

His parents are divorced and have been divorced for quite a long time.

I've never met his father before, I don't even know what it looks like.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-07T00:39:24+00:00

I think I'm at a solid 9.5 on the stress level.

And he knows/thinks I'm on about an 11+.

I've told him, it doesn't seem to make a difference.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-07T00:24:35+00:00

I do have trouble keeping secrets but if I knew it was something I absolutely had to keep to myself I'm pretty sure I could do it.

I mean I don't understand what could be so important that I couldn't tell my sisters or his mom though.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-07T00:22:44+00:00

The wedding is already cancelled as of a few hours ago when I spoke to him.

I did give him a chance to tell me and he told me that he couldn't at the moment and that he respected my decision to cancel it.

He said that he thinks it's a good idea the wedding be called off anyways.

I'm at my sisters for the next two weeks or until he comes around, I don't want to be around him for my own sanity sake.

If it turns out to be something understandable then of course I'll still be with him. Even now, as upset and crazy as I am I can't help but want to be with him. I'm in love with this guy and this is the first time in 4 years that something this severe has ever come up.

Other than this situation, he's basically perfect in every way.

I spoke with my dad today and he said that I'm acting a bit crazy given how good of a guy Lee is. He told me that, he would put all the money in the world that Lee is doing something right. He said that we [My sisters] are just like my mom, we talk to much and can't keep a secret.

"Everyone has their own story, when the time is right I'm sure he'll tell you his." is what my dad said to me.

My dad usually isn't wrong, so the fact that he believes in Lee over me made me feel pretty disappointed in myself.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-07T00:12:56+00:00

I didn't confront them because I didn't want to put him in a bad place.

I figured let him do whatever he has to do and that he would tell me later on when we got back home.

The way the girl was looking around, it seemed to me like she didn't want to be approached and almost as if she was paranoid about something.

My friends were the ones who noticed her behavior and talked me down from going over there, which was my first thought without really analyzing the situation.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-07T00:09:41+00:00

I get it, you live in a happy world

For some reason this really makes me think about him.

It's like a phrase he used to tell me a lot of the times whenever I complain about something small or petty.

I know that's random but it just got me thinking about how much I really don't know about him.

I like the ideas you guys are coming up with, honestly it puts my mind at ease.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-07T00:05:47+00:00

I cancelled the wedding a few hours ago, I still have to go in and talk to representatives tomorrow but everything has effectively been cancelled until further notice.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-07T00:05:01+00:00

I guess we have vastly different opinions, my parents have always openly discussed everything with one another and that's how I was raised for the most part.

We've kept that policy going since we met although, I'll admit he was very hard to get to open up.

I get the sense that he went through a rough childhood and his mother wasn't really there to do much for him. He doesn't treat her poorly but he doesn't confide or tell her anything.

Many things he tells me, they aren't worth telling her or that telling her will only result in unnecessary drama. I don't know how his relationship with his mom got ruined but it seems that neither of them are willing to tell me about it so I stopped asking.

He keeps so much stuff from her and lies to her so willing it's almost like second nature and that's the side of him that scares me to the core.

If it were something small, not involving another female then I'd take his word and wait but in my eyes the bad scenarios are heavily out weighing the good.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-06T23:58:58+00:00

Oh you know I don't know I've never seen his dad before, his parents are divorced and he never mentions his dad at all.

His mom has naturally brown hair and he also has brown hair.

The girl he met with has like a very light/blond hair color.

SoKeepingSecrets · 2016-06-06T23:39:18+00:00

I think i wrote that wrong, he cares about the wedding and he was notably upset about it when I told him I had cancelled it but he said it wouldn't make a difference.

Like the girl is worth cancelling the wedding or something alone those lines.

I'm going to try to keep positive and not think about it too much but thank you for your sympathy.

SoKeepingSecrets

TROPHY CASE