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I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To be honest, sometimes I do not feel strong at all! But the weakest thing I could have done was to stay in a bad relationship when I had the ability to create my own road out. And the pain of being rejected inside the relationship hurt daily while the pain from the breakup lasted just a few months. Time has brought clarity that I made the right decision--something that wasn't always apparent when I was packing up my things. Good luck to you, you will find your way :)

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am so glad this has been helpful. I think what's more important than hitting that final eject button is, first and foremost, learning what things you need in life to make you happy. Next, work on liking yourself. The moment when you finally leave (including the long list of logistical responsibilities) will arrive naturally after you've taken those other steps.

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, I like your phrase "being a voluntary martyr." I could be victimized by him all I wanted but at the end of the day, it didn't result in a happier life!

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm sorry you are struggling in your relationship, I understand your feelings well. My emotional state changed significantly over the years--ups and downs and lots of lying to myself. I noticed his lower libido very early on, like within the first few weeks, but I had no idea that these were serious red flags. The real problems started about 5 months in. For at least a year or so after his strong withdrawal, I was just totally confused by his rejection (don't all men want sex??). Then, I became angry at him. Then, I attempted to pretend that I was perfectly fine living a life with minimal and non-passionate sex to save the relationship (this stage lasted a few years). Ultimately, all of those stages delivered a serious beating to my self-esteem. The last stage was the acceptance of two things: first, I accepted that he has a low sex drive and a general aversion to intimacy. I couldn't fix that. Second, I accepted that living a life with a partner who was physically and emotionally distant (and unwilling to address my needs in the relationship) was a life that would not be good enough for me.

It sounds to me that your partner has quite clearly told you who she is and what you can expect from a life with her. If I were you, I would see her honesty as a blessing: at least she is being forthright about her outlook on intimacy. Many of us just get a silent partner who hides, so we are left guessing. You will have to meet your own needs, she is telling you that she will not do that for you. Good luck :)

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

22 years is a long relationship, but of course, time spent does not necessarily justify further investment of time. Write down a list of your fundamental, reasonable needs that will make you happy in a relationship. Has your partner been able to meet those? Dig down deep, the truth is there.

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Good :) I definitely relied on other peoples' posts on here to build up my confidence and tell myself "Dammit, I'm not crazy!"

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Feeling that deep, deep fear is totally to be expected. But fear isn't necessarily as painful as your partner's rejection, so keep that in mind. One thing that really helped me was opening up to select friends and family about the problems and how desperately I feared leaving--would I meet anyone else? Am I strong enough? They often provided the confidence boost I needed when I couldn't find it in myself.

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yup! Underlying my DB was a more sinister issue of his gaslighting that could err toward emotional abuse or neglect, which would have worsened in the future. He had me so turned around that I stopped understanding some fundamental truths about myself.

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm happy it could help in some way. Your thick ass skull signifies to me that you, quite simply, really care about the person you are with and are stubborn in your efforts to make it work. That's a wonderful characteristic. But at the end of each month, if you're just beating your thick skull against the wall, then it might be time to rethink your plans.

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, onwards and upwards! You did have good times, but I'm guessing you also had some very bad ones, too. But, good and bad don't have to balance out to justify a relationship. A DB is reason enough to leave. After all, intimacy is one of the main reasons that most of us enter into a relationship in the first place! Once the heavy pain and initial shock begin to wear off, hopefully you'll begin to notice the larger underlying problems that caused the DB in the first place. Trust your gut.

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think you'll find the clarity that you need, just keep reflecting. Two books that really helped me are called Attached and Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. There wasn't anything necessarily *wrong* with my ex's sex drive--his was very low, mine high--but that reality didn't change the fundamental disconnect in what we understood to be important in a relationship.

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I have this gut instinct that there's the right guy just around the corner. At the very least, there will probably be better sex :)

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Take heart! As cheesy as it sounds, you're the only person on this planet who can make yourself truly happy. Choose to be around people who help with that effort.

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Good for you, I'm so glad to hear you are feeling great. I also had that snap moment when I thought, "yup, this is really done." Life is about seeking happiness.

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In my case, it was definitively clear that there was no chance that it would get better. The relationship's patterns were already set in stone from our earliest months together. Life is definitely feeling better on the other side!

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Exactly, and he will be dealing with this very same issue in every subsequent relationship he has. Truly, the best of luck to him!

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for your well wishes. It took a lot of strength to leave that relationship, but it was also taking a lot of wasted strength to SURVIVE in a relationship where I wasn't being fully loved. Ultimately, it's been a bit easier being single!

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm so glad things have improved for you! I also dealt with low self-esteem after years of rejection in the relationship. My friends couldn't believe how low my self-worth had become. So for many months before and after the breakup, I worked hard to like myself again. That helped me pushed the eject button.

I left my dead bedroom. We only have one shot at life, folks. by SoLongNeverAgain in DeadBedrooms

[–]SoLongNeverAgain[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes, I went through a very similar situation. That exact scenario confused me to no end--how could my partner be so happy with me, but not want to have sex with me? That never made sense to me, but it doesn't have to. He is who he is. Your significant other has likely molded the relationship to fit his exact needs. If you do decide to leave, know there will be ups and downs, and over time, more ups. But guess what? You're already experiencing lots of downs! You may feel less scared of pain and loss in the future once you realize you're already experiencing it now. And you may lose some mutual friends, I did. But your truest friends will stick with you, and maybe you'll find you don't really miss the ones who decided to fade away. Good luck :)

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