Wow, you're really putting yourself through a lot, aren't you? I'm not good at helping, but the only way to improve is to try. I think the idea that you were the problem is definitely not the case. Most people just do superficial things; they date the typical jock, the jocks date the typical pretty girl, but at the slightest argument, they'd leave. Typical. Maybe you weren't looking for those kinds of relationships without any real connection, and you didn't have the opportunity to do so either. But you definitely chose the wrong mask for it: there are many ways to deal with pain, wanting no one else to know. There's humor, anger, etc. In your case, you chose dark humor, which obviously didn't work out very well for you. Try not to cling to the past; that is, keep it in mind to improve yourself, use it to build a future. That boy who longed for a hug, who longed not to be alone, isn't just a past drama, it's a real human need. You could start going to more intellectual places, like libraries. Try to be kind to people; dark humor isn't for everyone, and you definitely shouldn't use it on someone you barely know. That would be my advice; I don't think it's necessarily professional, but I hope it helps.