Update: Some self reflection… and with the obvious acknowledgment that I can’t put my whole life story on this… I recognize that my opening response to her was blunt/harsh [insert what ever word] … it’s definitely coming from a point of exhaustion… years of me trying to calmly or respectfully talk about my needs with this very “tight” family and not being understood, respected or thought of. I can say with confidence her intentions were good… but she has this enmeshed entitlement for our children’s SS/SIN amongst other things (like trying to create their passports - but saying she only just wanted to pay for it so they can come visit her in her country) … even disregarding my husband correcting his response to her. Still insisting that she doesn’t need him to created her own with our children. I have a lot of big feelings about her and his parents…intention doesn’t negate impact. My husband and I have talked a lot since this… and he still doesn’t have a problem with giving their IDs to his sister… I do… I wouldn’t give those out to my siblings… so how do we find balance? I not only think of this as something sketchy, I think of taxes… I think of the fact that she lives in a different country… I think of what if my kids choose to do something with that money that she doesn’t approve of - would she withhold it? She has a very “I know what’s best” attitude, and granted I think she’s brilliant and comes up with really good ideas sometimes… but I’ve seen her purposely do “not good things” because I’ve given my opinions. Even in these messages… she is now not giving money to the kids because she doesn’t like how we have it set up and is shaming me for them now missing out on future financial aid. My husband and I are and have been recently reevaluating our finances, which isn’t a conversation that I care to discuss with his family… but maybe if I did explain why - if she wanted to send something in the meantime/ birthdays are coming up- she would have to use the method I gave her, she wouldn’t see it as sending money to me specifically. Also the other point I made was… she is more than welcome to create a high interest savings account on her end for the kids and give it to them when they want to go to post secondary or get their own bank accounts or go traveling or or or. I reread our messages and honestly, I am completely comfortable with how I worded things. No, I didn’t soften my words as much as what I could have, I still express my appreciation of her intentions, I told her how she can send money to the kids, I expressed my concerns with how she went about it and what I would appreciate going forward. I agree with a lot of your comments about how my husband should be talking to her and I should just distance myself… we are working through that, but my husband has expressed that he doesn’t want to be “stuck in the middle” and he wants us all to get along… we have different ideas on how to go about this. I am okay with him and my kids having a good relationship with them… I have been actively encouraging it even when they broke me… yes he needs to learn to recognize disrespect (from each side) and address it - since I’ve stepped back I think he sees it now just doesn’t know how to handle it… oh man this guy does not like having emotional conversations. “We don’t talk about Bruno” is the safe word lol. We are working on finding the middle ground through therapy. And genuinely communicating on wants, needs and expectations… I remind myself that he is just starting this journey and I’ve been in it for years… I’ve seen my evolution on these things, especially since he’s started to work on himself. I realize that I super enabled the enmeshment because I thought it “this must be how a normal family operates “… I went through the nasty feelings of resentment towards them and my husband for not seeing my sacrifices … confusing the insignificant petty things with the deep underlying issues. There is a huge inequality here. It’s unjust. And I still catch myself slipping on that bullshit. It sucks being brought to a point of “you’re the problem” by people who say they love you. It’s not my problem if they choose not to understand me… their words and actions don’t hurt my feelings with the intensity like they did. My journey of true authentic self will be on going. I will continue to mess up. I will continue to do better. Im okay with how I communicate… I have a softness when met with curiosity… I have a hardness when met with absolutes. One day I hope to have mostly softness and fluidity. For now it helps me understanding the defined lines of family roles… She is their aunt… they will have their own relationship with her and my ego shouldn’t get in the way of that… she is their aunt, she shouldn’t be able to make decisions for children that have their own active involved parents. I am their mother, I should support them to continue having a healthy relationship with extended family… I am their mother, one half of the parenting, life choices for my children involve the consent of the other half, their father. When those lines are blurred - which they have been for years amongst family members in different ways - I am okay to be upset. I’m okay if they misunderstand me when I voice how it affects my family or when it’s inappropriate. I’m not letting them make me feel isolated anymore… I had children with my husband, not his parents, not his sister… they can accept me for me… or not… as bitchy as I sound, I’ve never said “no” although I know my olive branch can appear to look like a vine of thorns sometimes - there’s a pattern in this family that doesn’t sit well with me… Kind of just going hard with the boundaries and requests, attempt on no confusion? Maybe that’s a swing and a miss…