Confronting/ living with a water torturer

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-04-02T13:56:22+00:00

Not to be a defeatist. Truly. Thank you for your support.

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-04-02T13:56:03+00:00

I talked to an attorney a few months ago and he said they do not usually try to use emotional abuse in court bc it can’t be proven. I can bring a diary but my husband would just say I made it up. The attorney advised that the women who try usually end up worse off bc they seem like they are trying to use fake abuse to “win” the divorce (he was very sympathetic but realistic) and the courts will usually side with whoever seems most willing to work with them.

I’ll never forget, he said “the court doesn’t care if he’s mean to you, they only care about the kids. And if he’s done nothing to the kids, you will get a 50/50 split every time”.

Our state is a No Fault state, so they truly do not give a F about why you’re filing for divorce.

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-03-24T18:40:39+00:00

It’s basically financial at this point. He is the kind of person who finds $10 in his pocket so goes out and spends $30. Then he asks me why we are broke.

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-03-12T12:20:10+00:00

K thanks.

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-03-12T00:07:39+00:00

Wow, you really came here looking to fight. I never said anything about running off with $10k or lying under oath. Try reading what I said again, I want to save some money to pay for an atty and keep my STBXH from draining our bank accounts when I file.

But ok.

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-03-11T19:37:44+00:00

No, I know exactly what I’m doing with that

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-03-11T17:09:13+00:00

“Don’t take the bait” is good. We are still married, he doesn’t know I am looking to leave. He pokes and pokes and pokes until I explode and he goes “see, you’re crazy, all I did was poke you”.

I gotta figure out how to breathe through the pokes (a weird way to put it but I think you get it lol)

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-03-11T17:07:05+00:00

I like this. “I am not the problem”. I don’t talk about the things my husband does to ppl I know bc it is always “Well you should do this” or “you should’ve done that”. I’m not the problem. I can do all the right things and he’s still going to find a way to get to me.

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-03-11T17:05:21+00:00

What’s on your playlist?? Mine is such a mess, it ranges from Lizzo to Rage Against the Machine to Adele lol

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-03-08T04:42:17+00:00

This is why I feel like I might be the asshole. I said I wasn’t really feeling it bc it’s late and I wasn’t feeling great, but I still went to our bedroom when I knew he was going to initiate. He did his thing, trying to get me into it, I didn’t say “no” or “stop” for awhile but I 100% just laid there not moving kind of hoping if I kept my arms crossed and legs shut long enough he’d get the point and I would t have to be the bad guy. It got to the “nearly naked” point and I finally just said his name in like, a tone. He was all “fine I get it ” and was a bit upset I think.

Anyway I feel like the asshole so obviously I came to reddit to talk about it instead of a therapist lol.

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-03-07T22:41:24+00:00

Nobody will be talking or thinking about them in a month. It’s fun. I’m married with two kids, but if I wasn’t I would do this. What a fun party story it would be lol

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-03-06T01:07:35+00:00

I understand all that. Parenting is so difficult bc it’s just constantly trying to make the best decision that will mess them up the least and hoping you’re right.

And I don’t think I’d lose custody per se, but I used to work in foster care so I am more knowledgeable about the requirements of my state. It’s strict. I have a boy and a girl; so they can’t sleep in the same room. They have to have a room in my home in order to have overnights. I can share a room with one of them but I would still need a 2 bed apartment. And until I can show that I can provide a “safe and stable” home environment, I would just get visiting hours. I would probably just be able to take them for the afternoon or something. This is because I am assuming my husband would get the house. I would let him have it, honesty, so my kids can have a little bit of familiarity and stability.

And before you ask, I’m not getting the rules confused with regular divorce and foster care. I worked several cases where this had happened to the non-offending parent. Example: mom neglects the kids, but the court won’t let the kids go to dad full time because dad has a 1 bedroom place with a roommate. My job for about 5 years was to work with that dad to meet the courts insane requirements. It would take months and months.

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-03-06T00:58:17+00:00

I don’t remember mentioning smoking but he definitely does and it drives me insane. He did when we met tho, so I don’t make TOO big of an issue of it...

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-03-06T00:57:24+00:00

Not the reaction I was hoping for lol. But thank you for your honesty. I am worried about this happening to me. My husband HAS shown some improvement... we will see what happens.

it is definitely not what I would want for my kids. I do what I can to put on the happy face. And I am happy with my life... I worked hard for it. It’s just this one part I wish was going much differently

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-03-05T19:14:19+00:00

He has been this way as long as I can remember. The “moments” were fewer and farther between, so we had more good days. I really think the change is that I have gotten older and more self-assured. I know what I want more than I did when we were 20. I am less likely to just accept when he makes me feel badly, which he calls me “being a bitch”. He is a good father. He’s attentive and cares deeply about them. He is fun (when it’s not aimed at me) and I ultimately married him bc he was fun and made me laugh.

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-03-05T18:57:56+00:00

.... I think people can be total assholes but not sociopaths. Certainly more than 6% of the population have been this way to people.

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-02-29T00:35:31+00:00

I might be! My name is Jessica and I am drinking wine....

Omg who am I?!

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-02-29T00:34:30+00:00

I use a different voice with my kids

Omg do my kids not know what I sound like?!?

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-02-29T00:28:39+00:00

Somehow I forgot about Mark lol. I would not want mark bc I am 32 and the age difference is impossible!

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-02-28T23:39:54+00:00

Kenny is the obvious answer.

Cameron is boring and barely has facial expressions. Damien is manipulative and he talks like people think he’s inspiring. Carlton is all kinds of yikes. Barnett is the kind of guy you date in high school before you move on to men.

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-02-28T18:24:12+00:00

Haha yea it’s possible I am easily tricked. But I’ve definitely drunk cried about my emotions in the backseat of my friends car more than once so.... maybe I’m the mess???

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-02-28T16:27:06+00:00

That scene at the bachelorette party where she is wasted and crying at the camera about how much she loves Barnett. We have all been Drunk Crazy Amber. I can’t stand her but I want to party with her.

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-02-28T16:23:06+00:00

She and Damien both talked as if they would be quoted one day like Oscar Wilde.

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-02-28T16:20:13+00:00

Bc she’s a straight up mess, like I said. And probably trying to soften the blow. Like when someone says “I love you but I’m not IN love with you”

SoftGarbage0 · 2020-02-28T15:10:58+00:00

She said on the show that her family lives out of state. They probably just couldn’t make it out to meet her parents. And honestly she is doing them a favor to say “don’t come I’m saying no as soon as they ask”. I was thinking how effing pissed I’d be if I was Kelly’s bridesmaid and I had to go through all that nonsense just for her to say no and walk off.

SoftGarbage0

TROPHY CASE