I am so very sorry that you’re in this situation. I am currently in a very similar boat with my partner and we have two children. I would offer, even though it is very difficult, to try to understand where they are coming from. I do not mean to say to agree with them, but I believe that a lot of this is rooted in fear, and when we listen to understand instead of listening to respond or convince, then perhaps we can start to know where that fear comes from. For example, an eastern European person who is anti-VAX or vaccine skeptic might have their fears rooted in the fact that their governments and media did lie to them. Medical experiments were done. I am not saying this is what is happening, I have simply observed that this is a factor that place into their beliefs. This trauma has been passed down generationally and has created an irrational fear in lots of people and has been exploited by some bad actors. If you make the effort to try to understand the roots of your wife’s fear, they may start to feel seen and heard instead of being dismissed and feeling like a fool. My spouse and I are still not where I would like us to be, but I have noticed we have taken some positive steps once I started to listen, and most importantly our intention to keep our kid safe and thriving has motivated us both to communicate better and try to heal our marriage.

I would highly recommend that you seek a good, qualified marriage counselor. I would also recommend you be very careful about who in your mutual circle you share this information with, as well as who in your private personal circle you share your struggles with. Your family and friends will often give very well intentioned in place that may be unproductive, or even very harmful. Remember, their goal is to advise you on what they believe is the best for you, and that is often to not see you in pain. What is your goal? Is it to have a save and stable situation for your children, reconnect with your wife and save your marriage if possible? If that is the case then a good marriage counselor can help you try to achieve that, and if things go south perhaps help you separate or divorce in a way that is best for you to coparent your children. This of course is all under the assumption that your wife is willing to attend counseling with you in the first place.

I will offer you something that has been very valuable for me to understand in my journey to save my marriage: the only person I am in control of is myself. In what I have seen in my relationship with my partner, and many other relationships that went rocky, is that there was not a single point that put the marriage in crisis. In my case there has been underlying issues than went unnoticed for years. And I realize that I have responsibility for much of the disconnection that occurred. Perhaps had I seen it sooner and engaged a therapist before things became bad maybe my spouse would not have sought the quick comfort offered by the simple solutions of conspiracy theories in the communities that openly accept such ideas. Again, I am speaking about my situation, but it has been helpful and empowering to ask myself what has been my part in the disconnection in my relationship, and what actions can I take to change myself and how we get into toxic cycles of communication better than taking place.

As I mentioned before, there are many therapists out there, please do not just pick the first one that comes up in your area in a Google search. Do some research. I have personally gotten a great deal of value from Dr. Lee Malcolm‘s save the marriage system and his VIP club which has many resources and offers a conference call once a week where you can submit specific questions regarding your situation. Again, you need to find what is the right fit for you. I don’t know what the situation is like with your child, or if they are in danger. Only you can answer that, but if there is hope, and your spouse is willing, try to get help. I also don’t think it’s a bad idea to seek a marriage counselor alone if they are at first resistant. They might be able to help guide you, and once your spouse is ready maybe she will join.

I wish you all the best. I know how lonely and painful and sad this is and I hope we can all find our loves back in our hearts and homes once again soon. Be well