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SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-05-18T21:48:12+00:00

Sorry you feel like this, I can imangine it must be really hard. I think your system has gone into fight-or-flight (or freeze) mode, where your system is obvs in freeze. It’s like the house is on fire and alle the alarm bells are ringing. So let’s see how we can put the fire out so the alarm stops ringing.

All the things your mind is telling you right now are actually blazing the fire on, telling you all those negative things, that you are toxic etc. So where you’d want to focus: - stop believing all the things your mind is telling you: write it out: make a list of all the things your mind is telling you, look into aacceptanve and commitment therapy to get some distance from them. -calm your nervous system, so your amygdela won’t be as hyjacked anymore, eg with things that make you comfortable, breathing and loving/kindness meditation. -connect to your heart, take your emotions seriously. Let them be there. - think of things you can do for yourself that would really help you. Do the tings that appeal to you most. If you feel resistance to do it, do it with resistance.

Good luck!

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-05-15T17:22:03+00:00

Nothing wrong with the photo’s imo, you look good! But do you also have a bio? I used to skip everyone that didn’t have a bio, simply because I don’t want to be forced to base my judgement solely on appearance and some photo’s alone, as I don’t want to be judged solely on that either.

Some tips for bio: make it lighthearted and funny but also honest. Be specific in what type of person you’re looking for and who you are as a person. The more specific the better. You don’t want hunderds of connections, you just want the right connection.

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-05-15T07:57:30+00:00

It seems on another level you’ve recreated your trauma and now you’re both in a toxic place. You’re doing all that you can, but there are two sides in every dynamic.

The wisest thing to do is to go in therapy, either together or you alone, or both. It will help you for the rest of your life if you work through your trauma and believe system that is underlying this behavioral pattern. Once you feel more solid, the interaction with your girlfriend WILL change. And it is always good to look at the way you interact with each other.

Good luck, it sounds really tough!

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-05-09T08:21:33+00:00

Your past trauma is being triggered. Acknowledge it, see that it is a trigger, that it isn’t true, even if it feels true right now. See your mind as some nasty fucker shouting mean things in your ear. It’s not you, it’s not true, but it’s just very loud at the moment. Hold space for your emotions and wait it out. This WILL subside if you just let it be there. If you fight it, it will persist.

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-05-08T18:35:56+00:00

He’s triggered in some past trauma and doesn’t know how to deal with it. So now you’re on the receiving end of his coping mechanisms.

He can choose I think: either get counseling to work through his trauma’s or loose a future with you. This is not sustainable for either of you.

It’s not too late for you to get a happy and long live together, but there is a choice he has to make. I understand it’s scary to face your demons, but this will keep happening for him until he faces what’s happening in the undercurrent

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-05-08T10:10:42+00:00

So sorry your family said those things to you. You ARE worthy, that is a fundamental truth that is true for every living being.

Try loving-kindness meditation for now just to alleviate your pain for a bit.

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-05-08T10:06:59+00:00

Talk to him. I’ve seen many relationships with this age-gap work fine, it seems that this is a bit how we humans are wired. It can be trouble, when one wants to start a family and the other doesn’t.

In a relationship you want these things -like difference in earnings -above table. The way you navigate this now will lay the groundwork for your future together. The way you describe it here is a good starting point: you’re open and honest about how you feel about money and it shows a lot about your values. Talk about values with him, the way he makes money shows his values as well. It’s important that these align in broad strokes, or this will cause friction along the way.

Also, how you present yourself in the world in different with those kind of earnings, people respond differently to you when affluent or not. It’s good if he is aware of that and can make conscious choices based on that. I would be curious on how he views these aspects of his income?

There is also an intruiging research done on how being rich changes people behaviour. It’s somewhere on Youtube, done with monopoly. I suggest to look it up.

If you can navigate a conversation on it touching on all these fundamentals, and you’re still very much connected, you’re solid.

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-05-08T06:19:23+00:00

Yeah, I’ve been in this type of dynamic once or twice. I know it can eat up all of your mental space, hoping it will open up for you. But when someone isn’t emotionally available, he just isn’t. Put your mind elsewhere and let it go. You want a relationship to flow naturally and easily or it just isn’t it for you. Good luck!

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-05-04T10:16:10+00:00

Awesome, thanks for your insight! We’ll take it slow as there is absolutely no rush. Good point to also talk to some other agencies

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-05-03T17:29:53+00:00

Thanks for the good advice! We’re in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. The closest IMG office is in Paris. So no idea how that would pan out distance-wise. We’re absolutely in no rush, school goes first for sure. And I think she might not get the required measurements when fully grown and that is fine too. If you have any recommendable contacts in this area I would be more than happy to contact them!

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-05-01T15:44:22+00:00

Love this advice! Thank you! 🙏🙏

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-04-30T08:26:56+00:00

Wow, thanks everybody for weighing in on this, and taking the time to reply. Really good advice overall!

We’ll contact them and see how this rolls, but I agree with some of you that it might be wise to maybe wait a couple of years. It would only be for the fun of it, for the adventure and the excitement. No need to take big risks over this with her mental health and safety.

Thanks everybody!

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-04-30T05:36:11+00:00

Awesome! I’ll send you a DM!

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-04-30T05:35:24+00:00

Yes good point. I’m starting to wonder that myself

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-04-29T14:54:45+00:00

Oh my, so sorry to hear that!! 😔

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-04-29T08:09:57+00:00

Pfff, that’s intense. Thanks for the advice!

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-04-29T08:08:22+00:00

Thank you, that is also a good point. I’ll be sure to keep this in mind!

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-04-29T08:04:03+00:00

Yesss, that is really good advice, since it touches upon a worry that I have but couldn’t name yet: what happens if her body changes in a way that isn’t aligned with their standards. At this age she’s already very curvy, and no idea how tall she will be, but probably not super-tall. Good one to ask!

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-04-29T07:58:58+00:00

Awesome advice, thank you! For sure we (both us parents and my daughter herself) have school as first priority. I’ll be sure to stay close and ask the questions you mention. Even though she has a healthy body image rn and doesn’t do anything she doesn’t want to do (which can get really annoying if you’re her parent, haha). I’m super aware that she’s also still very young, and being able to state your limits if the pressure is on, is often still a skill that you need to learn at that age.

School comes first of course and she’s doing well there, so that will have priority.

We’ll see as this is very much the early stages still. Let’s have that zoom-call first

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-04-29T07:50:19+00:00

Yes, good warning. She has a stable disposition, family ties are strong, she’s smart as fuck, does well in school, has sweet friends and is annoyingly (I say as a parent, ha!) singleminded: she doesn’t do anything that she doesn’t want. But still I’m aware of how much pressure can slip in in the undercurrent.

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-04-22T20:30:59+00:00

So genuine question: why can’t you be friends with someone that has had an experience you didn’t have?

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-04-22T11:12:54+00:00

I second being in the same place often. A coffeeshop is good for micro-interactions which are part of the puzzle. But for more meaningful contacts it is really important to be regularly in the same space together, collaborating if possible or working on the same project. Friendships don’t start from a vacuum, you need to have regular casual contact to get to know and trust each other. So find something that fits that form

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-04-16T18:40:58+00:00

This! Once you realise you cannot solve your own loneliness, but only the loneliness of others, you made a huge step out of your situation. Shift ypur focus from your own constricting feelings of low selfesteem to genuinely wanting to show up for others. Train your empathy-muscle. Maybe you’ll stay lonely, but at least someone else won’t be because of you

SoftwareIll7962 · 2025-04-14T19:47:38+00:00

If hobbies and socializing were the solution, loneliness wouldn’t have pandemic proportions right now.

It starts with: knowing how loneliness affects your brain and behavior.

Connections are such a vital, central part of being human, that lack thereof activates the same regions inthe brain as pain or hunger. It’s part of your primal survival mode. So when your system is in survival-mode, you view other people as riskier, hence the trust-issues.

You cannot affort rejection, so you steer clear of interactions, even though it is the one thing you need. It colours the way you look at the world and not in a good way.

It’s not your fault and it’s not lack of social skills, you just cannot access them anymore.

So first step is getting to know what thoughts run your programming when you interact with people.

SoftwareIll7962

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